Day 1?

This time last year, on this day, I found out that the cancer had spread to my lymph nodes. It was my 13th wedding anniversary. I was yet to find out that it had spread to my liver and my right lung. I have just got back from seeing my oncologist. Ok, the good news is that my liver function tests are all showing normal, my ECG shows that my heart is normal and functioning well. The bad news is that my tumour markers are increasing again. When you have cancer, the cells put out a chemical that can be detected in your blood. Normal chemical levels are 0-50. When I finished my chemotherapy and had my check up in April, the markers were 9.7, well within normal boundaries. Three months later they have doubled to 17.4. What does this mean? Right now I don't know. They are going to refer me for another MRI scan. If this shows that the cancer has returned, I am looking at chemotherapy again. The doctor has told me this. He was also not overly concerned either. So how is my head feeling right now? Calmer than you might expect! I am not afraid of having chemo again (been there, done that!) and right now my body does not belong to me anyway. So bring it on. How is my heart feeling right now? It's breaking. The worst part about being ill is telling people that you are unwell, telling them bad news. I can put on a brave face, soften the blow, tell them that everything will be ok. This makes them feel better and therefore makes me feel better. All the way home all I could think about was my son and what I may have to put him through again. And of course all the other people around me that I love and who love me. I am not afraid. I never have been. But I still don't want to leave the party yet. I will keep you updated of course. You are with me all the way.