New Years Eve

A day when we reflect on the year that has passed and what a year it has been - again! I so hope that 2009 will be a smoother ride for me. I think it will be. Things are clicking into place one by one like train tracks and it makes me smile when I realise what is happening. And it also makes me think, why would that be happening if the end of my journey is near. I am back on track literally. So, I raise a glass to 2008, thank you for teaching me many valuable lessons, for bringing me more friends than I have ever had, for finally bringing me the peace that I have been searching for all my life and for all the laughs I have had. It has been a hard year for many reasons but as always, what does not kill us makes us stronger. I have cried lots this year as well but I have got plenty of people around me to make me smile again. Friends and family are precious. Tell them you love them all the time, remember to hug them often - random hugs are wonderful! This is my last blog for a while, as with last year, it seems a fitting place for me to end. As always, I will drop in when I have news but for now, here's to 2009. May it bring you peace, light, love and laughter. Thank you for travelling with me.

Day 124

Woke up this morning and thought to myself, this will be the first week since August last year that I won't be having blood taken or treatment of any kind. It's a funny feeling, being out here on my own. I knew it would hit me eventually. It did not help that I was lying on my back in bed and my liver reminded me it was there as well, not pain, just a tight feeling like I have pulled a muscle there. I had pain every time in the run up to having treatment except this time I am not having any treatment. I am not going to lie to you. I am terrified that it will come back and that it will come back quickly. I am not being checked now until March but if needs be I can have chemo again in June. That seems a long way away but in relative terms its not too bad. I will just have to keep a close eye on myself. I know the signs now, know if I am feeling overly tired or if I have pain to let the doctor know. I am a little afraid to get out there and start living, of coming into contact with people in case I am not around for very much longer. I know that is a horrible thought but I have to say it. On the other hand, I am determined to lose all the weight I have put on with the chemo and get my body back. Of course I am going to consider my own mortality, I have been walking side by side with death - and life - for the last 17 months. Makes me more determined to get out there and enjoy it - once I have stopped feeling so sleepy!!

My stars for today...Remember that fear of the future is not a healthy motivator. If you are scared, work on transforming your negativity into hope and love. Wow!!! Somebody was listening to me! Hehehe.

Christmas Day

What a wonderful day, possibly the best Christmas I have ever had. No stresses from an ex husband or other family member to ruin my day, I laughed so much this morning at my son opening his presents that I had tears streaming down my cheeks, it was one of those moments that you lock away in your head and keep safe. We have had a relaxed day, happy to do our own thing and also happy to be together, we have eaten lots and relaxed together. Exactly what I needed. I am thankful for being here, I am very aware that it could have been so different if I hadn't responded to the treatment not once but twice now. I suppose its days like these that make you sit back and think, to not take things for granted. I am not only a very lucky girl but I am a very happy girl, I am loved and I love and that is what Christmas and every day is all about. Merry Christmas xxx

Christmas Eve

My favourite day of the year, cosy and warm, tree lights twinkling, candles lit, watching Polar Express and drinking hot chocolate with my son.. this is my idea of heaven. For those of you who know me, I am a bit if a hippy chick and last night I did my rune stones. I have been doing them for years and mine are always spot on. I picked one stone, just to see and this is what I got - the start of a new phase, good health and advancement in my career (I go back to work full time in the New Year)...the outlook is particularly good for vitality and the return of health after a period of sickness! I couldn't believe it when I pulled that one. I was lying in bed this morning and I loved the fact that I have no pain in my liver, I can lie on my right hand side and it doesn't hurt anymore. I feel all calm and settled and its wonderful. This is going to be a truly magical Christmas.

Day 117

I shopped. I conquered!! All set and settled now for the festive period. Feeling a little bit tired but then I have had to do more this week than I would do normally if I was recuperating. Determined to have a wonderful Christmas this year, last year was horrible as I didn't have my son with me as he was at his Dad's but I have my boy with me this year, I am feeling better, I have a lot to be thankful for and I am happy. Feel peaceful finally. I had an awful dream last night, I dreamt that the cancer had come back on my right lung and there was nothing they could do for me. I know it was just a dream and it's my brains way of downloading. I am not going to think about it - to be honest I don't think about it at all now until I am reminded by my own body! Cross every bridge when I come to it and then face it head on as always.

Day 116

Feeling much more like me, getting my energy back slowly. It does not hurt as much to go up stairs but my ankles are still terribly swollen, in fact its my entire foot that is swollen. Will keep an eye on it, give it a little while longer before I see the doctor. My toes are still numb as well. On the upside though.. not feeling sick anymore. My body still feels horrible, I can't wait for it to be mine again. Put the Christmas tree up with the little chap this afternoon, took a bit of oomph to get it sorted but glad I have done it now, just got to do my food shopping and then I am all done - thank goodness! When I think how rough I was feeling this time last week, so glad that's all over.

Day 112

Still feeling twinges but a whole lot better today, it does seem to be taking its time to go away this time but I suppose the effects are accumulative. I have no feeling in my toes and my finger tips are still desensitised - cooking is fun as I can turn things over on the grill and I can't feel it! Only kidding!! Not sleeping very well at the moment so having to have naps at the moment but not worried about it. The best thing is virtually no pain at all in the liver area, I can sleep on my right hand side without even thinking about it. Managed to get around the shops alright this morning and even my walking is better already, able to stride out again but just being careful as too much still makes me breathless. I am over the worst of it, I know I am. So! The next big challenge is.. to finish my Christmas shopping, get the pressies wrapped and put the tree up! This time next week... and relax two, three.

Day 111

It got really rough last night before bedtime, I don't mind telling you I was lying on the sofa and I was crying with the pain, unable to get comfortable or get relief, when the pain killers kicked in it was amazing, I managed to get into bed then and stay warm, slept through all the way and woke up this morning.. and the storm had passed again. For the last time. Yes!! I am feeling more nauseous at the moment and my sense of taste is out the window, everything feels odd on my tongue, as if its furry. Not very nice. I am still having a few twinges in my ankles but nothing compared to last night, my ankles are still swollen but I know that all of this will pass. I have had a few twinges in the liver area but nothing compared to the constant ache I had after the first few rounds of chemo. I also have pain in my neck and upper spine which I got very mildly last time. I am feeling a little stressed out at the moment, suspect that is down to the time of year, I have more to do than normal and I want to get on and do it but my body is preventing me which makes me frustrated. I also want to - pardon the expression - let my hair down and kick my heels for a bit, I suppose I have been under constant stress with the treatment and so forth so it will do me good to let rip! I am looking at two weeks off over the festive season so perfect timing!

Day 110

Next time I say I think I have got away with the pain slap me! I went to bed last night without feeling the need to take any pain relief and then woke up in a world of pain about 3am, I could barely walk this morning which is really odd as I am usually feeling better by now. I cannot feel my fingertips or the tips of my toes. I have been ok today, I haven't taken any pain relief but I get twinges in my legs. Typing this is fun! I have not done anything today, perhaps I overdid it yesterday, I don't feel as if I did but I have rested up today and slept. I will do the same tomorrow and hopefully sleep better tonight.

Day 109

Seem to be bouncing back from this better every time, the pain only managed to manifest in my ankles last night but I had pre-empted it and taken a pain killer so it didn't spread any higher and I woke through the night to find it had been stopped in its tracks. I feel weary today, things are an effort but I have managed to push the vacuum cleaner round which I would never have considered doing last round. As long as I rest up afterwards. Thank you Bryher for my flowers! Such a beautiful surprise and you are right, I can look forward now and enjoy my life, I don't feel as if I have been through hell because I have had you supporting me, all my friends out there have been there for me to lean on and I am so lucky to have you. It's my sons 11th birthday today and I am here to celebrate it with him. It may be an effort but we have Christmas to look forward to as well, need to put our tree up yet but I can do all this with him. The main word here today is forward, I can look forward to doing so much and I need to put this all behind me. Oh I am smiling!!

Day 108

I had a good day yesterday, woke up around 5am and had to take some anti-sickness tablets but then slept through unti 9.30am. I braved the hideous weather for a quick shopping trip and then cosied up for the rest of the evening. I have woken up this morning and I don't feel sick but the pain in my legs is making itself known, it's almost like an angry animal waking up, at the moment it's still feeling dozy but I strongly suspect it will be wide awake by bedtime so I just have to try and manage this the best I can with my pain killers. This is the last time I have to go through this and I know that by Wednesday I will be feeling better, I am wanting to start getting back into shape but I know I have to take it easy for a bit. I have had virtually no feeling of pain from my liver area, hardly a twinge at all which implies to me there is nothing there to hurt anymore.. the acid test will be in two weeks time when I would have been having chemo again, that is when I have been feeling it a bit. I think I have whooped it this time. Feel more confident than I did last year. Still keeping those fingers crossed.

Day 106

I have done it!!! Completed my second course of chemotherapy. And bless her, the nurse got the canula in the first time. A perfect ending to a necessary evil. I am feeling just fine at the moment, if a little bit tired. I also spoke to the doctor, the swelling in my ankles and hand is down to the steroids, they have caused muscle wastage in my thigh muscles so I have to wait around 4 weeks to see if the pain goes off. If it does, it was the steroids, if it wasn't I have to go back to my GP as it could be something else.. oh I hope it isn't, not sure that I can take any more of my body being rebellious. I want to start exercising and getting rid of the weight that I have put on, also exercising is proven to assist with the recovery and remission of cancer. I am so relieved this is over. I will sleep tonight, I know it. As my friend Bryher said, tomorrow is the first day of the rest of my life - thank you my diamond friend. I am making plans for my future and looking forward to getting on with my life without feeling like a lab rat for a while. What a wonderful Christmas present.

Day 105

Feeling a bit more positive today thanks to some contructive advice from my friends regarding my upset about my collegue who passed away this week. Feeling upbeat about the fact that this is the last time I have to go through this. Feeling anxious about having the canula in again tomorrow. Feeling lots of pain in my legs already, it's the steroids, I have noticed it the last three rounds so I will take a pain killer tonight to help me sleep. Going up stairs is a real effort but the last two weeks I have found it hard to walk any distance as well, legs feel really heavy. I have cleaned the house, done the shopping and all my chores in preparation, the same way I have done every round as I know I will be feeling rubbish for the next few days.. then it will pass and I will be over it for the last time.. I hope. Then I can take a deep breath, face it head on and look forward to living again. It's been a long old slog, July last year was when I was diagnosed so been at this for 17 months now. Time for living.

Day 104

Had my last blood test yesterday! Only took the nurse two goes to get it this time as well, I knew it would be ok. Then got to work and had some bad news. A lady who works on another team passed away on Monday evening.. the reason it was so shocking to me was that she went to the doctor last week feeling poorly, was diagnosed with pneumonia and leukaemia. I just can't get that out of my head. As someone who has been given the chance to fight the good fight I feel cheated on her behalf. Leukaemia is treatable too, it was the pneumonia that killed her. Brought it home to me a bit, I have been quite dismissive of the fact that I am wide open to infection at the moment, even put off going to the doctors last week with a sore mouth. What a surprise, I am feeling down and its two days before my round of chemo! I have been like this before every round. I am not looking forward to the canulation or the pain that I am going to be going through soon, the fact that I am going to be feeling pants for my son's 11th birthday etc. But I am still here. Keep her safe for me.

Day 102

Sorry I have not been with you for a while, I managed to get an infection last week. I woke up Sunday morning with a sore tongue which I have had with the chemo before, but by the end of Tuesday my mouth was sore, it was spreading along my gum line and my glands were up on the right hand side of my throat. So I am now on antibiotics and feeling all better now. The doctor said that ordinarily it's the sort of infection that I would have fought off by myself but because my immune system is compromised with the chemo, it managed to get a grip. I have had lots more complications with this course of chemo, last year it was like a walk in the park. I really feel as if I have been treated this time. It also feels different - last year I didn't feel as if I had got rid of it, and I hadn't. This time I feel as if I have really kicked it into touch. Let's keep our fingers crossed.

Day 96

Brrrr its cold!! Having no hair makes all the difference, I just don't seem to be able to keep warm at the moment. It doesn't help that the heating at work is dodgy so I am sat at my desk in a fleece with my scarf on! I walked into town today, it's not far, but my legs ached so much. They feel really heavy, like my bones are made of lead. I know that's the chemo as it's my legs that hurt after each treatment. I had to finish work after lunch today and come home for a sleep, slept for 2 hours this afternoon but I feel better now. I have not been sleeping very well over the last few nights, just can't seem to settle which isn't like me. I am actually looking forward to getting my body back once the chemo has finished. At the moment it belongs to the doctors, I just do as I am told. My fingernails are just about hanging in there but they are looking really odd, all covered in ridges and the pink bit of my nail is receding. I know that everything will get back to normal though once the treatment stops. And looking forward to that. That is when the real fun starts! Cancer sufferers all say that when the treatment stops, that's when the real psychological warfare begins.. every ache is something else, is it coming back, have I beaten it, waiting on blood test results and so forth. I am prepared, I know it is coming. I think I can handle it.

Day 95

Spoke to my oncologist today regarding the scan and the cessation of my treatment. He told me that my biggest lump was just slightly bigger than a golf ball - it's now the size of a malteser! And the smaller one was 2.5cm big, it's now 6mm big... and this was only after 4 rounds of chemo. I feel so much happier. I also asked him about having more rounds of chemo, which he didn't deny was an option. However, he also told me that I can have docetaxel every 6 months if necessary. The problem is that prolonged use of the drug compromises my bone marrow, if I have a rest in between it allows my bone marrow to recover. I must admit, my legs are achey, I have noticed that stairs are an effort. I told him how well I was feeling and he replied with imagine how good you are going to feel once the chemo has stopped - good point well presented! I felt well enough to do a full day on my first day back to work after chemo. The new diet has begun as well, low protein, lots of fruit and veggies. I have got to give me the best chance to keep up the good work.