New Years Eve

Well here we are, the end of 2007. It has been quite a year for me (think that is the understatement of the year!)but in all honesty, I can hand on my heart say that is has been the best year of my life. So much has happened to me but what it has all taught me is that I am finally where I should be - or getting there. I have ended two very destructive relationships, one with my ex-husband, the other with my own body and both experiences have shown me what I am capable of.

Those of you who have been travelling with me know how much I admire Lance Armstrong and his book about his own experience. He is just typical of the brave and courageous people who are living with cancer, whether they be sufferers or supporters. We are all brave and courageous, even if, like me, we don't feel it. I just want to give you a few lines from his book 'It's Not About the Bike' as I think he sums it up better than I could:

"The question that lingers is, how much was I a factor in my own survival, and how much was science, and how much is miracle? I don't have the answer to that question...What if I had lost? What if I had relapsed and the cancer came back? I still believe I would have gained something in the struggle, because in what time I had left I would have been a more complete, compassionate and intelligent man, and therefore more alive. The one thing the illness has conviced me of beyond all doubt is that we are much better than we know. We have unrealised capacities that sometimes only emerge in a crisis.

So if there is a purpose to the suffering that is cancer, I think it must be this: it's meant to improve us. I am very firm in my belief that cancer is not a form of death. I choose to redefine it: it is a part of life...the definition of courage is the quality of spirit that enables one to encounter danger with firmness and without fear."

Before I was finally diagnosed, when I was waiting for the test results, when I did not know that I had cancer, I was terrified. Once I knew what I was fighting, that was it. The battle plans were drawn up and I went to war. And I was never afraid. Of losing the battle or of dying. I made my peace with the fact that this could kill me. When I was told that the chemo was successful, that I was beating this thing, I cried my heart out because although I made peace with dying, it made me realise how much I really wanted to live, how much I have to live for. I believe that we all have to go through one life changing experience to make us realise what life is, to not move from one day to the next without experiencing how lucky we are to be alive. This has been mine. So perhaps life changing is the wrong word. Try life awakening. I have said it all the way through. I am incredibly lucky. That is why this has been the best year of my life and I could not have done it without the support of some very special people, my family, my friends, my son, the staff at the hospital and a very special man.

This is going to be my last daily post. It seems a natural conclusion. For those of you reading this who have been touched by cancer, fight the good fight and enjoy every day as much as you possibly can. I suspect you are already doing that. I hope that your treatment is as successful as mine has been. To my friends who are reading this, thank you just does not touch it. I will never forget what you have done for me without you even knowing or me asking. You just did it. For my son. I did this for you. You never knew how scared I was or that there was a possibility that I might not make it. I am sorry that at times I was tired and grumpy and tried to make you wear my spare hair. You can keep me. Listen to your angels darling. Mine told me I had nothing to be afraid of. And as for you hunny - you know it already. I did it for you too - did not want to get my backside kicked!

May 2008 bring you all good luck and good health. I am going to drop in once in a while just to keep you updated but for now, goodbye. Love to you all xxx

Day 166

Finally feeling physically more like the old me, virtually back to how I was before I was diagnosed. The breathlessness and dizziness has gone, feeling stronger every day. It won't be long before I have to use shampoo again! Sleeping all the way through the night and back to waking up around half six instead of wanting to sleep until 9am at least. Even the veins on the back of my left hand are looking blue instead of brown, recovering from the chemo. Rest and recuperation are working their magic. I am proud of myself, little achievements such as putting flat pack furniture together by myself really boost me. I feel capable of anything. If having cancer and getting divorced at the same time can't stop me from smiling, nothing can! I am feeling stronger not just physically but emotionally as well, less prone to worrying and more likely to confront any problems I may have. It is very true. What does not kill you makes you stronger.

Day 165

Feeling a little sleepy today, fell asleep tucked upon the sofa this afternoon which I have not done for a while. I had a fairly busy morning, took the Christmas tree down this morning and tidied up, getting the house back to normal. I do love Christmas but it is nice to get everything back ship shape again. It is nice to be tucked up and cosy whilst it is being so foul outside. I really am making the most of my holiday, resting up - it's good not to have to wake up so early on these dark mornings. I was sat here last night and I thought to myself, I do not have to do anything. First time for a long time, what with going to hospital, going to work and generally living from day to day. I can relax for the next few days and put my feet up. Bliss!!

Day 164

Nipped into work this morning for a little while to see the folks and to check that my desk was not groaning too much after a week. It was so good to see my friends. I logged onto the system and it was not long before people realised I was at my desk and the phone started ringing! One of my friends is back after being on a course for six weeks and it was really good to catch up. And my hair is slightly longer than his now! We compared notes on fuzziness. When I am doing my blog, I watch the 'blogger feed', that is all the photos that are being uploaded to blogs from all around the world. There is an awful lot of love out there! So good to see. Good to know. It really is what makes the world go round.

Day 163

I braved the sales this morning and I triumphed! Was in and out in an hour and a half with everything that I wanted to get. I am feeling about as well as I can do at the moment apart from a headache which I am having trouble shifting. My skin is starting to misbehave a little, the same as it did after my first chemo but nothing to worry about. It felt like I spent the entire night dreaming, woke up feeling exhausted. This is probably fall out from the stress that I have been under over the last few months, even though when I was going through it I did not feel that stressed. I am going to have a very lazy day for the rest of the day - I can feel a nap coming on!

Day 162

Thought I would do some trawling of the interweb today, curious as to how the herceptin is affecting me and how long it will take for my hair to grow back. I have been feeling a bit wheezey of an evening, my lungs are crackling and I have noticed that if I am focusing on something like the tv and then I move my line of focus to something closer, I have been feeling a bit dizzy. Faintness and increased cough are common side effects of the herceptin. I have also got a mild rash on my tummy which is also a common side effect. The side effects diminish with every subsequent treatment as it is a 'natural' treatment. Herceptin works against the increased production of the HER2 protein which I have by bubblewrapping it so it cannot divide and grow and by boosting my own body's immune system against it. I have to have it intravenously because my stomach would destroy it if I took it orally. I have put a nice link to 'Hairy Karen' down the side. This wonderful lady has very thoughtfully photographed her hair recovery after her chemo. She has also done a daily blog - I am sure there are a lot more out there. I am about week four now, my hair is long enough to pull. I must admit, I found these photo's comforting. I do not like wearing my spare hairs now as they are really itchy due to all the regrowth going on. It is nice to see that although my hair feels very fine and baby like, as it gets longer it covers up more of my head. Having just typed that, it sounds perfectly logical! I am also feeling a lot warmer, noticed that yesterday so the post herceptin chills have worn off. Feeling much, much better today.

Christmas Day

Merry Christmas everyone! I hope you all got you wanted for Christmas and there weren't too many pairs of socks. I got the best gift this year.

Christmas Eve

As my child lies sleeping
Thoughts of Christmas in his head
Dreaming, softly smiling
Whilst tucked up in his bed.
It's not the Christmas presents
Lovingly wrapped under the tree
That make him smile, this Christmas Eve
It's the images that he sees.
An enchanted world of magic
That only a child can see
And the knowledge that he's safe and loved
As much as a child can be.
Dream softly sweetheart, you are mine
And I am yours to keep
I close my eyes and start to dream
I'll be with you while you sleep.

Day 159

Feeling all cosy and relaxed. The shopping is done, the presents are wrapped, tree lights are twinkling, hot chocolate by my side. Aaaah. And relax two three. This is what I have been looking forward to. It's all cold and foggy outside but I am warm and cosy. I am sleeping so well now, I am feeling really well. My right arm is feeling a little tender at the top but that is all. I have a woolly hat on my head to keep me warm, my hair is looking very fluffy and blonde. I do resemble a duckling at the moment! It's so soft, like baby hair. Bing Crosby was singing 'White Christmas' on the radio and I found myself singing to it, I did not realise I knew all the words. I love this time of year! Licence to eat chocolate too!

Day 158

I slept for nine and a half hours last night, straight through, no medication. I woke up at half six with a headache but that has gone with paracetamol. My back ache and aching legs are better. I am still feeling cold but other than that, I am feeling ok. Even managed the madness of Tesco's this morning! I can now settle down, get cosy for Christmas. I am feeling relaxed and settled, looking forward to the rest. The back of my hand is a bit sore, it took them three attemps again to get the canula in. They have said that my veins will get better now, it is now just a healing game. I am there.

Day 157

Alban Arthuan - the Winter Solstice, the shortest day of the year. I have had my first lot of herceptin, £1500 worth of medication now coursing through my veins. I found out today that I am going to have another 24 rounds of this. So how am I feeling? Not too bad. I have a mild headache, my back is singing a bit as are my legs - these are the flu like symptoms that I was told I could get. I feel tired and my chest is a bit tight, a little light headed. I felt really nauseous as the stuff went through but I am not sure if that was just the smell of the chemo ward, my body now associates that smell with feeling poorly afterwards. I have some pain in the lump area, that is standard. But I really am not complaining. I know these drugs are going to improve my survival rates and if I have to feel rough for a couple of days, I can live with that. So, I have lit my candles to celebrate the solstice, I am going to curl up under my blanket - feeling cold too - and I am going to rest up, let the drugs work their magic quietly.

Day 156

I am feeling so much better today! Not tired at all and considering I was eating cornflakes at half two this morning (woke up with a rumbly tummy!) I am feeling fab! My eyes aren't tired in the slightest. I had a really good last day at work before the holidays, being very silly and getting lots of hugs which was lovely. It was totally manic in the office but everything got done. So, also last day before I have Herceptin. I am not as worried about this as I was about having chemo, I know there is a chance I could have an allergic reaction to it but it is not as damaging to my veins as the chemo and it should not leave me feeling as poorly, although you can have flu like symptoms. Hence why I have been trying to get all my jobs done. I am feeling really positive (nothing new there then!) about it. I just want to get on with it, get the job done. Midwinters Eve, tomorrow is the Winter Solstice too, let us see what the day brings.

Day 155

I was tucked up in bed last night at 8pm and I slept through pretty much until 7am. Felt much better today. By going to bed when I needed to, despite the ridiculously early hour, I was able to do a full day at work today. My last day tomorrow before Christmas. For the first time ever, I am looking forward to the rest. Normally, I actually begrudge being made to stay at home! I would so much rather be at work with my friends, but this time, I intend to give in and give my body what it needs. I did my Christmas food shopping this evening - I don't know how I am going to be at the weekend after having Herceptin. I made a point of smiling at people and I got so many smiles back in return! It was lovely. So much better than getting grumpy and impatient! Try it, spread a little happiness. My favourite smile? A little boy that was half hanging out of the shopping trolley, he just fixed me with his eyes and grinned at me. That is what makes this world go round and made my day.

Day 154

The day started off with a start - I slept through my alarm clock. I have never done that before! I woke up at 7.45am which gave me half an hour to get me and my little fella ready for the day - and we did it! Joint effort. I am more tired than I have ever been in my life. I went to work for two hours but it was a complete struggle so I left and came home again. I cannot seem to settle though, up and down like a yo-yo. I suspect this is the fall out from all the stress I have been under lately. Now the divorce is through and I am getting better, I have slowed down and my body is saying OI! Give me a break! So I am going to try my hardest. I am very stubborn, I don't like giving into the fact that I cannot do everything and I don't like being so tired but I must learn that I am not superhuman, I do have limitations and I really must rest up or else I am not going to get better. Sleep is nature's way of recharging our batteries and healing us when we are not looking, so we cannot argue. So here is me promising to do as I am told and not berate myself for wanting to sleep so much. I give in. That is the only time you will hear me say that. Oh yes, you might like this one - Cancer is a word, not a sentence. Think about it. It does not define who I am. Thanks Bryher.

Day 153

I am catching myself thinking that I have HAD cancer, not I HAVE cancer, in the same way that I knew when I was pregnant that my baby was a little boy. It is an unconscious certainty. I find that comforting. I am so tired at the moment, it was all I could do to get out of bed this morning, yet I still managed to do a full day today. When I am at work, I am ok, it's the getting there and coming home I am having problems with at the moment. I want to go to bed now. Last early morning tomorrow, my little fella is breaking up from school so I will be able to sleep in, hurrah! He will be with his dad for a couple of days so I intend to sleep as much as I can. Why is it that when you wake up at 3am it takes you about an hour to get back to sleep, but when your alarm goes off you can fall asleep in between snooze buttons?!

Day 152

Feeling much better today. I went to bed last night at 8pm, slept through until 8.30am today! I obviously needed it. I am still feeling incredibly tired though and a little breathless today. It was my son's birthday party today, I entertained nine little ten year olds for two hours and it went by as if it was five minutes, had a thoroughly good time. I must admit, I was breathless by the end of it, shouting instructions for 'Simon Says' and 'Upper Deck, Lower Deck' took it out of me. I am coming down with a cold and they always go straight to my chest. I am feeling more emotionally stable today, I had a blip over the last couple of days but I am out the other side of it, back smiling again. I am so looking forward to having a rest over the festive period, think it will do me the world of good.

Day 151

Well, I got in at 2am this morning! I had a wonderful evening, danced my socks off for two hours solid - my feet were still sore this morning! However, half way through the evening, I was just sitting quietly, watching my friends chatting and having a good time and I was suddenly hit by a wave of affection for them, and a sense of what I would have missed out on had my treatment not been successful. I had to take myself off for a bit, have a bit of a blub! I am still feeling quite emotional today, feeling little bit unhinged, I think that is the best description. It is hardly surprising, I have been so positive throughout all this, it had to come out somewhere. So, I have broken out the tin of Celebrations I have had hidden away (see, I do have will power!) and I am going to top up on my choccie levels. I am going to be ok, I know that.

Day 150

Is it really 150 days since I started this blog?! I don't know where the time has gone. So much has happened in that time. I decided not to go into work today, caught up with my jobs instead, wrapped all the Christmas presents and popped them under the tree. Feeling excited, going out tonight with the gang from work, guaranteed to be a good night. I have had a really good day today already, was told a very silly joke about a tortoise and a turtle that had me in stitches - I can't write it, it's a visual joke! I am not feeling too tired, I actually managed to sleep for 7 hours last night all the way through, without tablets. Don't know how I will be feeling at 1am tomorrow morning though!

Day 149

I have had a really good day today, we did our Secret Santa at work today. Everyone is getting in the festive spirit and being very silly which is fabulous! I am a firm believer that everyone should be silly at least once a day. It is the office Christmas dinner tomorrow night and we are all looking forward to it, me included. I intend to have a thoroughly good time and boogie my socks off again! I am feeling well enough to manage some overtime tomorrow. My eyes are very tired but the rest of me is buzzing! Tried on my outfit last night, just to make sure it still fits and it does! Although I have put on a stone with the chemo, I have no idea where it has gone, all my clothes still fit me. Perhaps I have fatter feet.

Day 148

Feeling very cold at the moment, I usually do when I am very tired. I am trying really hard to sleep without any tablets at the moment but I am waking up in the middle of the night, lying awake for a couple of hours and then falling asleep again, only then I am struggling to get up when the blessed alarm goes off! I slept until 8am today, I could quite cheerfully sleep around the clock. I think I need to hibernate. Oh to spend the winter rolled up in my duvet! I was very proud of myself today, you will think this is daft, but I managed to top up the screen wash in my car all by myself! A minor achievement, I know, but I did it. I am going to tuck myself up nice and cosy in a minute. Oh yes! I am already losing the weight that I have put on with the chemo. Lots of reasons for me to be proud of myself.

Day 147

A good day at work today, had lots of laughs. Love being in the office with my friends. I dug out the Christmas decorations from the back of the cupboard. I made them about four years ago, I cut out snowflakes from silver wrapping paper and they have been put up and taken down very carefully ever since then! I do love this time of the year, apart from the commercialism. I think it is killing the spirit of Christmas. People seem to get so stressed out, trying to get the perfect gift, shopping until they are fit to drop. For me, Christmas is all about the magic, of being cosy indoors with the ones you love, hoping it will be a white Christmas, having time off from work and having a rest, seeing friends and spending quality time with the people you most like to be with. I am looking forward to Christmas this year.

Day 146

A long day today but a good one, so good to be back at work among my friends. I managed to do a full day today. I am feeling very tired now, I did not sleep very well last night, could not settle. I think I was probably over tired. I hope I sleep better tonight. If it was not for this tiredness, I would be feeling totally back to normal. Just goes to show me that I am not over this quite yet. At least I appear to have fended off a cold, although there are a couple of sore throats at work today! Only to be expected for this time of year. I am looking forward to having a couple of weeks off from work over Christmas, it will be nice to have a rest without feeling poorly for a change! I hope!

Day 145

Another long day today and I am starting to feel the effects of it. I am feeling quite breathless and light headed at the moment. My body is reminding me that I am not quite there yet, that I need to stop pushing myself. I had to drive home today from my sisters, then my son and I decided to put up our Christmas tree - it does look beautiful but it took nearly two hours to put up all the decorations. Then what with all the washing, cooking etc and every day stuff, I have only just sat down! I hope I am not coming down with a cold - that would be just my luck! I have managed not to get any sniffles whilst I have been having my chemo, it would be typical that I catch something now I have finished! I am going to take two paracetamol and tuck myself into bed like a good girl. On the upside, I have not felt sick for two days now! Thank goodness that has stopped.

Day 144

A good day, my sister took me to The Clothes Show at the NEC in Birmingham. We must have walked for miles today! Feeling very tired now but no more so I suppose than somebody who was out until all hours last night and then trekked round about 3000 stalls. I know I will sleep tonight. It was quite interesting actually, the place was obviously full of other women doing the same as us, I would not like to estimate how many people were there today but I definitely spotted several ladies wearing wigs. Obviously, it could be for a variety of reasons, but if you think one in three people are diagnosed with cancer, I would bet good money that it may have been for the same reason as me.

Day 143

I am writing this very early on Saturday morning because last night I went out for the first time since I was diagnosed - and I boogied my socks off!! I went out with my sister to see her husband play in his band (they are extremely good) and they played Steve Harley's 'Come up and See Me' which is one of my all time favourite songs. Would you believe it was the first time I have ever danced with my sister? And what was really scary was - we dance the same way!! One of her friends was saying that his head gets cold in the Winter, he had very little hair and my sister said "Go on!" to me so I said I sympathise! After his initial shock (!) I had him in in fits of laughter, we both agreed that it was better to shave the tufty bits off! I had chemo a week ago and I was up until 1am today having spent a wonderful evening with my sister. It is times like these that really make you feel alive and glad to be so. I don't think I have ever enjoyed dancing as much as I did last night. It was just her and me on the dance floor and we both had the biggest smiles!

Day 142

Feeling better and better every day. The nausea is still around but I have not had to take any tablets today, just making sure I am eating and drinking properly. My appetite is up and down at the moment, one minute I am starving hungry, the next I cannot eat anything at all. I expect that will sort itself out in due course. I had a check of the lump area this morning - absolutely nothing there at all. It is not even tender to touch. I think it will take a while before I really believe that it has gone. My breast looks back to normal. If only I could see my liver! I did manage to have pudding today though! I am tired but very, very happy.

Day 141

Finally! The nausea is starting to wear off. I slept brilliantly last night, was tucked up in bed by half eight and slept all the way through until half six. I woke up and for the first time since Saturday, I did not feel too bad at all. My body is really showing signs of getting back to normal. My hair is coming through a lovely honey blonde colour, a lot lighter than I used to be. If I stand with the light behind me I look like I have a halo! The longer, darker strands of hair that have been around for a while are coming out which is exactly what the doctor said would happen, leaving me with the hair that is going to stay. My eyebrows are just about hanging on but I have lost the longer of my eyelashes. I smell like me. I threw away the shower gel I have been using whilst I have been having chemo. I don't want to be reminded. One thing that really did affect me badly on Friday when I had chemo was the smell of the chemo ward. I could smell it on my coat when I came out and it made me feel really sick. I am going to have to get used to that as that is where I will be going to have my Herceptin. It is really funny how the mind works - I am living proof of mind over matter if positive thinking is anything to go by.

Day 140

I feel really yuck. I was so tired this morning I went back to bed after seeing the little fella to school but I could not sleep. The nausea is continual, looking forward to that wearing off! So, to sum me up right now, I look green, shattered and bald. I wonder if Loreal will give me a contract?! I am going to have an early night tonight, bed is the only thing I am good for at the moment. Still no pain though so not all bad!

Day 139

Well, I have had my ECG and....my results are normal!!! Hurrah!!!! My heart has not been damaged by the chemo. Fantastic news! Have had my consent form signed by the doctor for my Herceptin, green light go for the 21st December. Apart from feeling green from the chemo, I am feeling fantastic, the sun is shining and I can nearly see the end of this tunnel. No more chemo. My heart is in normal condition. I have a lot to be thankful for. Oh yes - no pain from the lump area for the first time since June!

Day 138

Feeling about as bad as I have ever felt today, not surprising, had six rounds of chemo now. I am still in my pyjamas! I slept for nearly ten hours last night and I have just woken up after another two. Doing what I used to do when I was poorly as a child, sleeping to make me better and then eating potatoes as comfort food. It was really horrible outside this morning when I woke up, mirrored how I was feeling. Blue skies now.

Day 137

It has finally sunk in today that I am not having any more chemo. If I was not feeling so totally wasted I would be doing a jig! I am very breathless, going upstairs is a real challenge but I know it is only temporary. Not feeling too sickly, had honey on toast for breakfast which does me the world of good. Found it difficult to get to sleep last night even though I had a tablet but then slept through give or take for about eight hours so not complaining. I really have very little to complain about, I think I have got away with this very lightly - here's hoping I have got away with it. I have spoken to a couple of ladies recently who have really been to hell and back with this. One was told she had a healthy breast removed and the other had her lymph nodes removed in her left arm and now has dreadful swelling in her entire arm and hand. I have lost my hair, big deal. I suppose remaining positive thoughout this has really helped me more than I have realised. It has been easy to remain positive with all the support I have. My little boy said last night he was really proud of me because I have finished my medicine, bless him. I am ok, just full of nasty chemicals - looking at cranberry juice is a real problem because one of the chemo drugs is bright red - funny how the mind works!