Day 64

Round four under my belt now! Went really well, the nurse managed to get it in first time which was a relief after last time. Also had to see the doctor as I have not seen a consultant since August. My MRI date is the 13th November and they cannot decide on my future treatment until they have the results of this but according to the doctor I have lots of options still. Even if the docetexel is not working there are other forms of chemo they can throw at me. She even spoke of me continuing on the herceptin after - but you can also have docetexel and herceptin together. She said the herceptin had worked because my breast lump has not come back nor the tumours on my lungs and lymph nodes. That made me feel so much better! Of course I am worried that the chemo is not working. That is only natural. I had quite a lot of pain last week in the liver area and then I woke up Thursday morning and I felt 'different'. I am not in any pain at the moment and I am buzzing from the steroids so I am actually feeling really good just now!

Day 62

Thought I better say hello constant reader.. at the moment if I am not working I am sleeping but I am surrounded by people who care for me. I have enjoyed being at work this week, managed to do what needed doing as I won't be there next week. Know it is in safe hands. My boss made me laugh today, as I left I said to him have a good weekend and he replied have a nice chemo! I know he meant well! Right now I am feeling like I want to shut myself away from the outside world a bit, it's ok, just not looking forward to Friday. Each time it is getting harder to get the canula in. I have terrible veins, so the wrong person for this disease! I want to wrap myself up in my duvet and stay there,just me. Don't worry, you know this is a temporary thing as do I, this time next week I will be bouncing again. Remember I told you that I wanted to put how I felt once better in a bottle? I did. And I remember how it feels. I reckon just a couple of drops of that amazing feeling will keep me going over the next week or so. One thing the chemo can't get rid of though.. I am still laughing with my friends. All angels suffer. But all angels have wings to keep them flying. This is me wrapping my wings around me. I will come out the other side smiling in the sun.

Day 57

Guess what.. still feeling shattered!! And have a pain in my right hand side now as well but I suspect this is due to the fact that I have been having cow's milk on my cereal for the last two mornings instead of soya milk- I have noticed a pain when I have cheese as well hence why normally all dairy is off my list at the moment. Have no fear I am back on the soya milk now. Even when I wake up from my naps I feel tired, it takes me 5-10 mins to actually get out of bed whereas normally I am a leap out of bed sort of person. But as I said to my son earlier, it's not forever and I will be feeling less tired after Christmas. I am looking forward to Christmas, this year I will have my son with me and I am going to make sure we have the best time. And I think I will be entitled to a nap after lunch!

Day 56

I walked into the office today and I have to say it was wonderful - my team has not been altogether for such a long time and we were nearly all back together today. And if that was not enough for me, the soft sods bought me a huge bunch of flowers. I really am the luckiest girl in the world. I have a job I love working with people I love. It was so good, sitting there watching them all as the banter was going around the office. Felt like being home. I slept again this morning and then managed to do all afternoon and I am not overly tired now so I think that is the way to go forward. Everyone is saying that there is no pressure on me going to work, that anytime I do is a bonus. The point is - I want to be there. Apart from the fact that all my friends are there, it keeps things normal and I enjoy the brainwork involved in my job. So I am going to sleep in the mornings and then go into work in the afternoon. It was good to be home today. Thanks guys xxx

Day 55

I am so tired! I slept again for ten hours last night, got up, made it into work for 2 1/2 hours and then came home again to sleep... which I did. It is beginning to concern me how much sleep I am actually needing at the moment, the fatigue is hitting me on a much larger scale this time. I had a chat with my line manager today, they are actually providing more funding for my job share - providing she can do the hours - so that I don't have to worry about coming in. We discussed me not coming in at all for a while and I think for the first time it's something I may have to consider. I definitely struggled to get in this morning. I am going to try having my nap in the morning and then going in the afternoons to see if I can manage that. Other than that I am feeling ok, I have noticed my eyelashes are starting to suffer a bit - I did lose most of them last time but my eyebrows are still going strong - I didn't lose them last time either. But still got my smile.

Day 54

Feeling a little better today, slept for ten hours last night but still went back to bed this morning and then fell asleep on the sofa this afternoon. I had fatigue last time with the chemo but not on this scale, I really feel that I could sleep around the clock quite cheerfully. Do you remember me telling you that my nails hurt on my first and second fingers of both hands - the pain has now gone but I noticed today I have now got purple moons on my nails, I can now see in my nails when I started chemo and the difference in the colour before and after. The dull ache in my side has virtually gone now, I get the odd twinge now and then but its not even a twinge, more like a low rumble. The difference in my attitude this time with having chemo is probably the biggest difference. Last time I was still trying to get into work every day, I know I pushed myself way to hard, even my boss said I was overdoing it. I took my body for granted. This time I am listening to my body and I am doing what I used to do when I was a child. If I was ever feeling poorly I used to take myself off to bed and sleep. Sleep is my healer. Ok, this is me admitting to myself - I am about as poorly now as I can be. So I need as much sleep as I can get. And I must stop beating myself up about it. I can stop sleeping when I am better.

Day 53

Woke up this morning feeling totally urgh.. to add insult to injury I have a cold. I managed to do the entire course of chemo last year without getting one cold, this is the second one I have had already this course and I am only half way through. Chemo knocks out your immune system so I am more susceptible to lurgies. I will be ok though in a couple of days. In the meantime just keeping warm, drinking lots and blowing my nose constantly - oh I look so attractive!!

Day 49

Feels like I am sleeping the days away at the moment, it was a beautiful day today and I wanted to get out into the garden but I slept through the middle of the day. I know I need the sleep. I keep thinking about people who refuse chemotherapy. I never understood why.. why deny yourself something that could save your life. But then you go through it a second time with no guarantee that it will work, it makes you feel worse and the hardest thing that I have had to deal with is that its stealing time with my son. I am a barely there mother sometimes and that breaks my heart. Yet there are times like today when I very badly threw a netball over the fence at his school to his teacher, he turns round and says that was a great throw mum, not everyone could hit the fence like that.. he makes me laugh and I realise what an incredible boy I have raised. I love him so much and I am so damned proud of him. So, back to refusing chemo - I can now understand why people do. To be able to spend your last moments walking in the sun with the ones you love, being in control of your own destiny...I am going to fight this don't worry. But I am more understanding now of of those who don't. I hope you always walk in the sunshine.

Day 48

I woke up this morning and felt like a different person, its incredible what sleep can do. The fact that I have been able to rest properly at night time thanks to the painkillers has made all the difference. That and sleeping every morning, I really have been resting up properly this time. I need to pop how I am feeling right now in a box so I can take it out next time I am feeling rough just to remind me that I do come out the other side feeling ok. My finger tips on my first two fingers of both hands are still sore, that is a known side effect and I have noticed that my hand is not healing very well from where I cut it just before I had chemo - of course it won't be, the fast growing regenerative cells would have been hit. My friend made an observation about me and my blog, she says it is like there is two of me, one who is the observer doing this blog and another who is getting on with having the disease. I am finding me at the moment. This is a hard journey but just lately I have been asking myself questions, why am I going through this, what is there for me at the other side. I am using this experience to learn and life really is incredibly colourful. I believe that life is not the destination its all about the journey and I am being shown so much right now.

Day 47

A quick message for those of you who know me and who are reading this - what I am about to write I have to, because I need to get it off my chest. I need you to understand that it's only my body that is suffering, I am fine within myself. Yes I am having chemo so I am bound to be feeling rough but you have no need to worry about me, I am not worried about me.

I had to call the doctor last night, I got myself ready for bed and all was not right, I had been feeling stoned all day yesterday and thirsty and then I went to the loo and found I was bleeding as well. I called the doctor and he said that the tramedol may have irritated my stomach so he advised me to take only one. I was in pain last night because I was scared to take the pain killers but once I had taken some and spoken to him I was fine. My body is taking a real hammering at the moment, even my finger tips hurt, it actually hurts to send a text message. My ears are sensitive, as are my eyes. I have had some small pain in my liver area today but nowhere near as much as I have been having. I don't feel as stoned today as I did yesterday but holding a conversation is still an effort. I have some pain in my ankles and legs but it's bearable - I have not taken any pain killers today. My body is at war but my mind isnt, I am calm, still laughing and accepting of the fact that I have to go through this to get to the other side. I am not worried about me, I know this is just the side effects of the chemo, they are all known, I am just having more of them than I did last time - and last time I did not get rid of the cancer.

Day 46

Go me!! I have beaten the chemo at it's own game!! I started to get pain in my ankles again last night, it started to spread up my left leg towards my left hip and my right thigh bone so I took two pain killers at 9pm, I was tucked up in bed by 10pm and I slept through until 7am! My bed did look as if it hadn't been slept in so I suspect the painkillers totally knocked me out. My legs feel very wobbly at the moment but I am not in very much pain - the ankles are feeling 'crunchy' as is my left wrist but we are talking 1-2 on the pain scale not the 7-8 I got last time. I feel fine within myself, relieved that I now know how to manage the pain and I can sleep. I am getting virtually no pain in the liver area - I even managed a coffee yesterday which until recently triggered pains and there was nothing. I am going to rest up today and take it easy, I know this body of mine is taking a hammering so I am going to look after it.

It is now half six in the evening.. had an ok day, I just feel as if my brain has been sucked out through my nose. I feel stoned, even sending a simple text message seems to require a massive amount of effort. My legs are aching, my taste buds have gone AWOL and I am so thirsty. I want to sleep around the clock. I woke up again after 11am today and it took me half an hour to come round and get out of bed. This is only to be expected and I am not being hard on myself, I have just had chemo. For those of you who are reading this, please bear with me. I know I will be feeling better soon. I am not pushing you away, it just takes an awful lot right now for me to talk to you. Still love you.

Day 45

I have woken up late this morning, slept really well apart from having my now to be regular early morning feed at 6.30am! Had some cereal with some anti-sickness tablets and then managed to sleep for another 3 hours. As I went downstairs this morning I felt the first warning twinges in my ankles - my left ankle more this time and my left wrist is a bit tender. However, I have just cooked and polished off a full english breakfast so I am obviously feeling just fine! I do feel fine in myself as well, I had loads of contact with my friends yesterday, they are around for me today and I don't have to do anything today so I am going to have a lazy one and rest up. My little fella is being a real star, letting me sleep when I need it. I am so proud of him. He still does not know that I am poorly, he just thinks that I have changed my medication. He is not asking questions and I am not going to tell him. I cannot wait for this all to be over so that I can get back to being his mum again and not somebody who is sleeping around the clock all the time.

Day 44

Not feeling too bad at the moment, the steroids have given me a rosy glow. I woke up at half six, had my first lot of steroids with some cereal and then managed to get back to sleep for another hour or so. I am feeling fairly tired at the moment,I took the little fella to the movies after lunch and could feel myself flagging on the way back to the car. I came home, did a little light housework and then crashed out on the bed for another hour. I did have to take anti-sickness tablets this morning but it was a case of prevention rather than cure. It's tomorrow I am going to be hit if its going to hit me. I am not worrying though. I know I can sleep as much as I want and will rest when I can. I also have the super duper pain killers to kick it into touch should I need them. Feeling calm and relaxed and ready for the fight.I have had no pain in the liver area at all yet, the dull ache that I had before has virtually gone. This is how it was when my breast lump was dying, I had two rounds of chemo and had extreme pain in the lump area and then it went off again. I do not wish to tempt fate but having been through this before its following the same pattern again. Feeling warm and protected.

Day 43

Round 3 over and done with. Bad side was that the vein they put the canula in first, in the back of my left hand collapsed whilst I was waiting for the meds and when they tried to push the meds through the pain was excruciating- made me cry! And you know it takes a lot to make me cry. But then they put in through my right arm and I did not even feel the canula go in. And I didn't get the irritating need to get away from the medicine feeling so much this time. So how am I feeling now? Very tired but then I was awake for a while last night thanks to the steroids, they do mess with my sleep patterns. I was eating cereal at 4am this morning because I woke up hungry! But other than that I am feeling fine. Just about to take my second lot of steroids for the day, I have to have more tomorrow and then thats me done. And no more chemo now for another 3 weeks! I am at the peak of the mountain, my treatment is all down hill from now on. My hair is growing back already and its not the baby fuzz I had last year, this is proper bristly hair possibly due to the fact that I am not wearing spare hair, just my hats and I am not wearing them all the time either. And its blonde. See, the things I go through to get blonde hair!!! Thanks to all of you who sent me messages of support today, they mean so much to me, just knowing you guys are rooting for me and thinking of me. Love you all.

Day 42

Feeling so much better today! See, I said I would. I took my steroids after breakfast and went back to bed, slept. I took them again after lunch and went back to bed and slept again! And I have not had the shakes and palpatations that I have had before because I slept them off! It is definitely the way to go forward. Curiously I had mild aching in my legs today. My blood results are normal yet again - I want to see my tumour markers now though. But I think I will sneak a peek after 3 rounds of chemo as the markers always go up initially and I don't want to scare myself. I went to Tesco this afternoon to get all my food in so that I don't have to worry next week and I have to say I had loads of smiles! Now some of them would have been uncomfortable smiles - I am just wearing my hat again but I have to say that I see a gentler side of humanity at the moment and it's beautiful. People do become incredibly protective when they see one of their own is 'suffering'. Now, to look at me, I am the least victim looking like person on the planet! But I still get the smiles because I smile at them first. And that makes me happy.

Day 41

Feeling a little better today but still feeling a little emotional. I have my friends around me again and I feel more settled but I found myself getting tearful again at work. I am so close to my friends there, it breaks my heart when I think that I may be leaving them. I don't want to leave the party. I know what this is all about. I have to have another MRI in about 4 weeks time and it will show if the tumours are shrinking. Everything seems bittersweet at the moment. I know its not in my nature to be maudlin and I have no doubt that I will shake this off soon. Please just bear with me. I am sleeping around the clock as well, I went back to bed this morning after having my bloods taken and slept until 1pm. There is part of me that just wants to shut myself away but then I know how much I would be missing out on. And thats the bit of me that is strong and keeps me going. There is so much for us out there. Open your eyes and see what is good in your life.. dont dwell on the bad.

Day 40

Feeling a little blue today although I am smiling on the outside. I rely and depend on my friends so much so when I turn around and they are not there because they are struggling with their own lives, I feel lost. I suppose because I cope with what I am going through so well, I forget that my friends may not be coping with their own problems as well as I maybe would. This is so hard and I know I cannot do this on my own. That scares me so much. I went to the doctors today and he has prescribed me some stronger pain killers so that when I get zapped on Friday at least I don't have to put up with the pain and I will be able to sleep. I feel so alone. My line manager came over to see me today for a welfare visit which was lovely, I have so much support from work. I know I am not alone really, there are still some of you rooting for me and letting me know I am ok. It just hurts so much when a friend cannot tell me why they cannot talk to me. I am not alright but I will be ok, the thing about friends is that it's a two way street.. just because I am living with this disease, it does not stop me caring about how others feel or being there for them. Deep breaths, hold my head high and try to keep smiling but sometimes its bloody hard.

Day 39

I went into town on Friday for the first time wearing just my hat, no hair.. and nobody looked at me as if I had two heads. It was fantastic and totally liberating. I nipped to Tesco to get fuel first, little steps, then went right into town. So I have cracked it as far as I am concerned. I could understand people who care not minding and I now know that others don't care either - the only person who had the problem was me. And now I don't! I had a fabulous weekend, very lazy and very comfortable with people who care about me. It was lovely. The only thing I am concerned about is that I have a few blotches on me at the moment, another side effect of the chemo sadly. I am at the doctors tomorrow to get some more pain relief, I am having chemo again on Friday and I am not going to have the pain that I had to put up with last time in my legs and wrist. I am not going to put up with it anymore. And a quick message for Lynn - hunny you sound so much like me! Your email made me laugh so much! Keep it up love, we are kicking bottom together.