New Years Eve

A day when we reflect on the year that has passed and what a year it has been - again! I so hope that 2009 will be a smoother ride for me. I think it will be. Things are clicking into place one by one like train tracks and it makes me smile when I realise what is happening. And it also makes me think, why would that be happening if the end of my journey is near. I am back on track literally. So, I raise a glass to 2008, thank you for teaching me many valuable lessons, for bringing me more friends than I have ever had, for finally bringing me the peace that I have been searching for all my life and for all the laughs I have had. It has been a hard year for many reasons but as always, what does not kill us makes us stronger. I have cried lots this year as well but I have got plenty of people around me to make me smile again. Friends and family are precious. Tell them you love them all the time, remember to hug them often - random hugs are wonderful! This is my last blog for a while, as with last year, it seems a fitting place for me to end. As always, I will drop in when I have news but for now, here's to 2009. May it bring you peace, light, love and laughter. Thank you for travelling with me.

Day 124

Woke up this morning and thought to myself, this will be the first week since August last year that I won't be having blood taken or treatment of any kind. It's a funny feeling, being out here on my own. I knew it would hit me eventually. It did not help that I was lying on my back in bed and my liver reminded me it was there as well, not pain, just a tight feeling like I have pulled a muscle there. I had pain every time in the run up to having treatment except this time I am not having any treatment. I am not going to lie to you. I am terrified that it will come back and that it will come back quickly. I am not being checked now until March but if needs be I can have chemo again in June. That seems a long way away but in relative terms its not too bad. I will just have to keep a close eye on myself. I know the signs now, know if I am feeling overly tired or if I have pain to let the doctor know. I am a little afraid to get out there and start living, of coming into contact with people in case I am not around for very much longer. I know that is a horrible thought but I have to say it. On the other hand, I am determined to lose all the weight I have put on with the chemo and get my body back. Of course I am going to consider my own mortality, I have been walking side by side with death - and life - for the last 17 months. Makes me more determined to get out there and enjoy it - once I have stopped feeling so sleepy!!

My stars for today...Remember that fear of the future is not a healthy motivator. If you are scared, work on transforming your negativity into hope and love. Wow!!! Somebody was listening to me! Hehehe.

Christmas Day

What a wonderful day, possibly the best Christmas I have ever had. No stresses from an ex husband or other family member to ruin my day, I laughed so much this morning at my son opening his presents that I had tears streaming down my cheeks, it was one of those moments that you lock away in your head and keep safe. We have had a relaxed day, happy to do our own thing and also happy to be together, we have eaten lots and relaxed together. Exactly what I needed. I am thankful for being here, I am very aware that it could have been so different if I hadn't responded to the treatment not once but twice now. I suppose its days like these that make you sit back and think, to not take things for granted. I am not only a very lucky girl but I am a very happy girl, I am loved and I love and that is what Christmas and every day is all about. Merry Christmas xxx

Christmas Eve

My favourite day of the year, cosy and warm, tree lights twinkling, candles lit, watching Polar Express and drinking hot chocolate with my son.. this is my idea of heaven. For those of you who know me, I am a bit if a hippy chick and last night I did my rune stones. I have been doing them for years and mine are always spot on. I picked one stone, just to see and this is what I got - the start of a new phase, good health and advancement in my career (I go back to work full time in the New Year)...the outlook is particularly good for vitality and the return of health after a period of sickness! I couldn't believe it when I pulled that one. I was lying in bed this morning and I loved the fact that I have no pain in my liver, I can lie on my right hand side and it doesn't hurt anymore. I feel all calm and settled and its wonderful. This is going to be a truly magical Christmas.

Day 117

I shopped. I conquered!! All set and settled now for the festive period. Feeling a little bit tired but then I have had to do more this week than I would do normally if I was recuperating. Determined to have a wonderful Christmas this year, last year was horrible as I didn't have my son with me as he was at his Dad's but I have my boy with me this year, I am feeling better, I have a lot to be thankful for and I am happy. Feel peaceful finally. I had an awful dream last night, I dreamt that the cancer had come back on my right lung and there was nothing they could do for me. I know it was just a dream and it's my brains way of downloading. I am not going to think about it - to be honest I don't think about it at all now until I am reminded by my own body! Cross every bridge when I come to it and then face it head on as always.

Day 116

Feeling much more like me, getting my energy back slowly. It does not hurt as much to go up stairs but my ankles are still terribly swollen, in fact its my entire foot that is swollen. Will keep an eye on it, give it a little while longer before I see the doctor. My toes are still numb as well. On the upside though.. not feeling sick anymore. My body still feels horrible, I can't wait for it to be mine again. Put the Christmas tree up with the little chap this afternoon, took a bit of oomph to get it sorted but glad I have done it now, just got to do my food shopping and then I am all done - thank goodness! When I think how rough I was feeling this time last week, so glad that's all over.

Day 112

Still feeling twinges but a whole lot better today, it does seem to be taking its time to go away this time but I suppose the effects are accumulative. I have no feeling in my toes and my finger tips are still desensitised - cooking is fun as I can turn things over on the grill and I can't feel it! Only kidding!! Not sleeping very well at the moment so having to have naps at the moment but not worried about it. The best thing is virtually no pain at all in the liver area, I can sleep on my right hand side without even thinking about it. Managed to get around the shops alright this morning and even my walking is better already, able to stride out again but just being careful as too much still makes me breathless. I am over the worst of it, I know I am. So! The next big challenge is.. to finish my Christmas shopping, get the pressies wrapped and put the tree up! This time next week... and relax two, three.

Day 111

It got really rough last night before bedtime, I don't mind telling you I was lying on the sofa and I was crying with the pain, unable to get comfortable or get relief, when the pain killers kicked in it was amazing, I managed to get into bed then and stay warm, slept through all the way and woke up this morning.. and the storm had passed again. For the last time. Yes!! I am feeling more nauseous at the moment and my sense of taste is out the window, everything feels odd on my tongue, as if its furry. Not very nice. I am still having a few twinges in my ankles but nothing compared to last night, my ankles are still swollen but I know that all of this will pass. I have had a few twinges in the liver area but nothing compared to the constant ache I had after the first few rounds of chemo. I also have pain in my neck and upper spine which I got very mildly last time. I am feeling a little stressed out at the moment, suspect that is down to the time of year, I have more to do than normal and I want to get on and do it but my body is preventing me which makes me frustrated. I also want to - pardon the expression - let my hair down and kick my heels for a bit, I suppose I have been under constant stress with the treatment and so forth so it will do me good to let rip! I am looking at two weeks off over the festive season so perfect timing!

Day 110

Next time I say I think I have got away with the pain slap me! I went to bed last night without feeling the need to take any pain relief and then woke up in a world of pain about 3am, I could barely walk this morning which is really odd as I am usually feeling better by now. I cannot feel my fingertips or the tips of my toes. I have been ok today, I haven't taken any pain relief but I get twinges in my legs. Typing this is fun! I have not done anything today, perhaps I overdid it yesterday, I don't feel as if I did but I have rested up today and slept. I will do the same tomorrow and hopefully sleep better tonight.

Day 109

Seem to be bouncing back from this better every time, the pain only managed to manifest in my ankles last night but I had pre-empted it and taken a pain killer so it didn't spread any higher and I woke through the night to find it had been stopped in its tracks. I feel weary today, things are an effort but I have managed to push the vacuum cleaner round which I would never have considered doing last round. As long as I rest up afterwards. Thank you Bryher for my flowers! Such a beautiful surprise and you are right, I can look forward now and enjoy my life, I don't feel as if I have been through hell because I have had you supporting me, all my friends out there have been there for me to lean on and I am so lucky to have you. It's my sons 11th birthday today and I am here to celebrate it with him. It may be an effort but we have Christmas to look forward to as well, need to put our tree up yet but I can do all this with him. The main word here today is forward, I can look forward to doing so much and I need to put this all behind me. Oh I am smiling!!

Day 108

I had a good day yesterday, woke up around 5am and had to take some anti-sickness tablets but then slept through unti 9.30am. I braved the hideous weather for a quick shopping trip and then cosied up for the rest of the evening. I have woken up this morning and I don't feel sick but the pain in my legs is making itself known, it's almost like an angry animal waking up, at the moment it's still feeling dozy but I strongly suspect it will be wide awake by bedtime so I just have to try and manage this the best I can with my pain killers. This is the last time I have to go through this and I know that by Wednesday I will be feeling better, I am wanting to start getting back into shape but I know I have to take it easy for a bit. I have had virtually no feeling of pain from my liver area, hardly a twinge at all which implies to me there is nothing there to hurt anymore.. the acid test will be in two weeks time when I would have been having chemo again, that is when I have been feeling it a bit. I think I have whooped it this time. Feel more confident than I did last year. Still keeping those fingers crossed.

Day 106

I have done it!!! Completed my second course of chemotherapy. And bless her, the nurse got the canula in the first time. A perfect ending to a necessary evil. I am feeling just fine at the moment, if a little bit tired. I also spoke to the doctor, the swelling in my ankles and hand is down to the steroids, they have caused muscle wastage in my thigh muscles so I have to wait around 4 weeks to see if the pain goes off. If it does, it was the steroids, if it wasn't I have to go back to my GP as it could be something else.. oh I hope it isn't, not sure that I can take any more of my body being rebellious. I want to start exercising and getting rid of the weight that I have put on, also exercising is proven to assist with the recovery and remission of cancer. I am so relieved this is over. I will sleep tonight, I know it. As my friend Bryher said, tomorrow is the first day of the rest of my life - thank you my diamond friend. I am making plans for my future and looking forward to getting on with my life without feeling like a lab rat for a while. What a wonderful Christmas present.

Day 105

Feeling a bit more positive today thanks to some contructive advice from my friends regarding my upset about my collegue who passed away this week. Feeling upbeat about the fact that this is the last time I have to go through this. Feeling anxious about having the canula in again tomorrow. Feeling lots of pain in my legs already, it's the steroids, I have noticed it the last three rounds so I will take a pain killer tonight to help me sleep. Going up stairs is a real effort but the last two weeks I have found it hard to walk any distance as well, legs feel really heavy. I have cleaned the house, done the shopping and all my chores in preparation, the same way I have done every round as I know I will be feeling rubbish for the next few days.. then it will pass and I will be over it for the last time.. I hope. Then I can take a deep breath, face it head on and look forward to living again. It's been a long old slog, July last year was when I was diagnosed so been at this for 17 months now. Time for living.

Day 104

Had my last blood test yesterday! Only took the nurse two goes to get it this time as well, I knew it would be ok. Then got to work and had some bad news. A lady who works on another team passed away on Monday evening.. the reason it was so shocking to me was that she went to the doctor last week feeling poorly, was diagnosed with pneumonia and leukaemia. I just can't get that out of my head. As someone who has been given the chance to fight the good fight I feel cheated on her behalf. Leukaemia is treatable too, it was the pneumonia that killed her. Brought it home to me a bit, I have been quite dismissive of the fact that I am wide open to infection at the moment, even put off going to the doctors last week with a sore mouth. What a surprise, I am feeling down and its two days before my round of chemo! I have been like this before every round. I am not looking forward to the canulation or the pain that I am going to be going through soon, the fact that I am going to be feeling pants for my son's 11th birthday etc. But I am still here. Keep her safe for me.

Day 102

Sorry I have not been with you for a while, I managed to get an infection last week. I woke up Sunday morning with a sore tongue which I have had with the chemo before, but by the end of Tuesday my mouth was sore, it was spreading along my gum line and my glands were up on the right hand side of my throat. So I am now on antibiotics and feeling all better now. The doctor said that ordinarily it's the sort of infection that I would have fought off by myself but because my immune system is compromised with the chemo, it managed to get a grip. I have had lots more complications with this course of chemo, last year it was like a walk in the park. I really feel as if I have been treated this time. It also feels different - last year I didn't feel as if I had got rid of it, and I hadn't. This time I feel as if I have really kicked it into touch. Let's keep our fingers crossed.

Day 96

Brrrr its cold!! Having no hair makes all the difference, I just don't seem to be able to keep warm at the moment. It doesn't help that the heating at work is dodgy so I am sat at my desk in a fleece with my scarf on! I walked into town today, it's not far, but my legs ached so much. They feel really heavy, like my bones are made of lead. I know that's the chemo as it's my legs that hurt after each treatment. I had to finish work after lunch today and come home for a sleep, slept for 2 hours this afternoon but I feel better now. I have not been sleeping very well over the last few nights, just can't seem to settle which isn't like me. I am actually looking forward to getting my body back once the chemo has finished. At the moment it belongs to the doctors, I just do as I am told. My fingernails are just about hanging in there but they are looking really odd, all covered in ridges and the pink bit of my nail is receding. I know that everything will get back to normal though once the treatment stops. And looking forward to that. That is when the real fun starts! Cancer sufferers all say that when the treatment stops, that's when the real psychological warfare begins.. every ache is something else, is it coming back, have I beaten it, waiting on blood test results and so forth. I am prepared, I know it is coming. I think I can handle it.

Day 95

Spoke to my oncologist today regarding the scan and the cessation of my treatment. He told me that my biggest lump was just slightly bigger than a golf ball - it's now the size of a malteser! And the smaller one was 2.5cm big, it's now 6mm big... and this was only after 4 rounds of chemo. I feel so much happier. I also asked him about having more rounds of chemo, which he didn't deny was an option. However, he also told me that I can have docetaxel every 6 months if necessary. The problem is that prolonged use of the drug compromises my bone marrow, if I have a rest in between it allows my bone marrow to recover. I must admit, my legs are achey, I have noticed that stairs are an effort. I told him how well I was feeling and he replied with imagine how good you are going to feel once the chemo has stopped - good point well presented! I felt well enough to do a full day on my first day back to work after chemo. The new diet has begun as well, low protein, lots of fruit and veggies. I have got to give me the best chance to keep up the good work.

Day 90

I feel fantastic today and better than last time yet again. No fatigue at all really and some pain in the liver area which is nice - those cells are getting a hammering again. I have some news for you so get comfortable because this one is going to be a long one I feel. I have received a letter today from my oncologist. Basically, he confirms that the treatment is working and the lumps in my liver are smaller in the scan than they were in August - hurrah!!!! The blood markers also reflect this. However, and this is where I came unstuck a little (but only temporarily), because the Herceptin did not keep the cancer away and because my cancer is not a hormonal one, there is no maintenance medication for me. I am to have my last round of chemo on December 12th and then... wait and see. The oncologist wants to see me in March. Ok, millions of things running round my head at the moment so please bear with me, I just need to get them out. Ok, if the Herceptin didn't keep it at bay in my breast, lymph and lung - that means I did! So what now for me. Well, as of now, I am at war. It is now my responsibility to give myself the best chance of surviving this and to do everything I can to beat this at its own game. So, healthy diet (not that its that bad at the moment), more exercise and more importantly - no more worrying. I was taught a valuable lesson when I was at school, I used to worry about everything. Then a friend said, if you can do something about it, do it, if you can't, don't worry about it. It has been my mantra ever since. In this case, I can do something about it, I can go and kick bottom. I cannot worry about dying - I certainly can't do anything about that! One thing I have noticed is that when I get upset, I get pain in my liver. So no more getting upset. I was right, laughter and love really are going to get me through this. If you are reading this, please, get out there and enjoy your life, grab the world in both hands and give it the biggest hug. I have been given this chance to do just that and I am going to. I am going to beat this. I know I am. I have the biggest smile on my face right now - can you feel it? I put my car stereo on today and 30 Seconds to Mars was on - Attack. Oh bring it on. I won't suffer, be broken,get tired or wasted, surrender to nothing or give up what I've started and stopped this from end to beginning, a new day is coming and I am full of life. Damn right I am.

Day 89

Another really rough night, the pain in my legs woke me up and I had to go downstairs to get more pain relief at 3am. The pain did not abate at all today until about 2pm when I took some pain killers - pain relief really is the correct phrase! I called the doctor with regards to the levels of medication I take to manage this and he said it's ok for me to try and bolster up my levels before I go to bed so that at least I can try and have an undisturbed night. The problem I have is that when I take the pain killers, my kidneys ache, regardless of how much I drink to flush them through. And I have had my first ever nose bleed today.. not an event I feel like celebrating but it shows the hammering my body is taking at the moment. However, I feel better than I did this time yesterday, can actually feel myself coming out the other side of this again, my body getting back to normal. Very Phoenix and ashes scenario! I will be better again tomorrow and the day after that. Difference being is that this time I know it's not been for nothing, all this pain and discomfort has been worth it.

Just thought you would like to know, its been 4 hours since I wrote that and I have come out the other side of the pain again - usually its the Wednesday morning that I wake up feeling better but I actually felt the transition to humanity this afternoon!

Day 88

Had a bit of a bad night, the new pain killers I have been given worked quick enough but didn't last as long so I woke up at 3am and my legs were painful. I am not complaining though as I have not felt the same whoozey feeling that I do with the other pain killers. My legs are aching lots as is my left wrist. I have bruised really badly after the chemo as well this time, four spectacular bruises on my arms from the cannulation. Yet again though I know this is only temporary and I will be feeling better by Wednesday. Craving carbohydrates this time as well which is another sign that I am healing - and no pain in my liver! Just felt a little bit tight this morning but have hardly thought about it at all today.

Day 86

Feeling ok-ish at the moment, didn't sleep very well last night thanks to the blessed steroids but managed to sleep this afternoon for a little while. What has gone though is the niggling voice in the back of my head that used to whisper "Are you going to make it this time?". I have been drinking lots to flush through the chemicals but I already have pain in my ankles which means I will have to take a painkiller tonight. I am looking forward to Christmas and New Years now for the first time, thinking about when to put up the lights, my works Christmas dinner and what to wear to it, that sort of thing. That is the biggest difference. I have got my future back.

Day 85

Well then.. what news do I have to tell you today.. let me see. How does the chemo is working grab you??!!! Saw the oncall oncologist this morning and initally he didn't have the MRI results which he was very disappointed about (as was I) but he let me see my tumour marker graph. When cancer cells grow they put out a chemical which they measure in my blood tests. In April that was 9.7, in August it had increased to 17.4 which indicated there was cancerous growth. When I started chemo it rocketed to over 60 - now this is normal, the cells kick out more chemical in defence. But my last marker before round 5 of chemo which I had today was 19!! That puts me back under normal parameters. In addition to this, my liver function has been normal all the way through - my liver has never known it's been under attack which is incredible. I then had my chemo and it was a nightmare getting the cannula in - 6 attempts. My arms are black and blue tonight. They have said that if I need to have more intravenous treatment such as the Herceptin they are going to put a permanent line into me under my skin so I don't have to keep being cannulated. It wasn't too bad today, just fed up with being a pin cushion - the nurse laughed and said I shouldn't have a bath in case I leaked! Anyway, I was sat there having my chemo and the oncologist came and found me - he had called the MRI department and they had told him there was definite improvement! I still haven't wiped the grin off my face. You have no idea how I am feeling, such a massive weight off me. I knew I was winning as I have been feeling better but to have it in black and white is fantastic. My phone was hot all this afternoon and to all of you who have been supporting me through this - thank you. You will never know how much you have given me. I can now start to live again, to plan things and isn't it just the best Christmas present ever!! I feel like me again. I was also chatting to another patient yesterday and he told me about his sister who had cancer 17 years ago and is still with them. I needed to hear that. Thanks friends. Love you all.

Day 83

I cannot believe how different I feel today. I have done a full day at work and bar a need for a cup of coffee at 2pm, I did not feel too tired. I also have no pain what so ever today. My boss cannot believe that I have done 2 full days at work, he is expecting me to be feeling worse. I needed a kick up the bottom yesterday and I got one, feeling much more positive again. I had a lot of things whirling round my head yesterday, feeling more settled about things, more positive and feeling more like myself again. I have a sneaking suspicion I was kicking bottom yesterday as well, that was the most pain I have felt from the liver area ever and then to get that hot, itchy feeling later on.. I have felt that before, when my breast lump was being beaten. It's that, plus the fact that I am feeling so good - as my boss put it, you can't be ill if you are feeling well - that has given me the boost I needed. I AM going to beat this. I better had!

Day 82

Had another rough day today. I am in quite a lot of pain in my side right now, actually considering taking a pain killer tonight. I know I am also feeling bad because its treatment day on Friday. It didn't help that yet again they had a hell of a job getting blood out of me for my blood tests. No joy with my arm so the nurse had to take it from the back of my hand and boy it hurt. She was fabulous though, she has given me some magic anaesthetic cream for Friday. I am just so fed up with being ill. I ended up in tears on my friend at work today, just bubbled up and I couldn't do anything about it. I am struggling a bit mentally at the moment. But as I went home today I turned on the radio and there was a song playing, Wires by Athlete..

You got wires, going in
You got wires, coming out of your skin
You got tears, making tracks
I got tears, that are scared of the facts

Well that got my attention.. I was crying by this point. Then the lines..

I see it in your eyes, I see it in your eyes
You'll be alright
I see it in your eyes, I see it in your eyes
You'll be alright

I needed to hear that. As I have been typing this, the pain in my side has changed. It got really intense about half an hour ago. I now have a really deep itchy feeling in my side. You know what - I am going to be alright.

Day 78

Ooops! I got my hospital dates mixed up! I am not seeing my oncologist until December 17th but I will get the results of yesterdays MRI when I go for round 5 of chemo next week. However, I did get a call from the MRI team today, they have booked me in for another MRI on December 12th - my last chemo so I will have my canula in! I cannot fault my hospital and the care I have received at all. I saw my doctor as well today, I don't get on with the tramedol, that's the medication I take for the pain from chemo - as she put it, it makes me feel like I am away with the fairies!! So I have a different pain killer to take, let's see how I go with that. I am the sort of person who never bothers the doctor's from one year to the next and I walked out today with a bumper bag of medicines - I am going to rattle! At least I don't have to take them all the time and I only have two more rounds of chemo - at the moment. That may all change pending on the results of the MRI. But we will cross that bridge when we come to it.

Day 77

Well today didn't go as well as planned but never mind! My veins decided to hide from the cold and they could not get the contrast dye in for my MRI. I have had the scan but the images will not be as good. However, they will also be able to use my blood results to see how I am doing. It was not all bad, I was sat in the waiting room all gowned up and feeling attractive and there were two other ladies in there as well. The lady to my right said "My body all went downhill when I turned 40", I said "Well mine went when I turned 34" and then the lady to my left said "Well mine went downhill when I turned 27!". She had ovarian cancer. We then swapped tales of spare hair and we were all laughing, it was lovely. So the plan now is to wait until I am canulated for my chemo and then have my MRI done at the same time. It was hardly surprising that they could not find a vein, it was freezing cold on the unit, I was anxious and they all had cold hands. I must admit, I cried, just had enough of being hurt, being pulled around, just wanted it all to stop. It wasn't the nursing staff's fault, they were really lovely. Its my useless body. The other lady was saying it would be nice to have a new body. I echo that sentiment!! Wouldn't that be fab, go to a garage for people and have your faulty parts replaced!

Day 76

I have had a really good day! I managed to work for 6 hours today, felt shattered this morning but the more I worked the better I felt and I really enjoyed it! The old brain cells were semi firing on half cylinders but I got what I needed to do done. I also had a visit from my lovely line manager (who is excellent at hugs) who told me about someone he knows who had cancer of the tongue, fought that and then got secondaries in her lymphatic system - and is now clear 5 years on. He also told me about another friend of his who had a double mastectomy and is also clear 5 years on. People do survive cancer. I had lost sight of that. And I have also had an amazingly funny email from a fellow sufferer in Australia - hello Karen! I hope you manage to get over your addiction to Ikea and hunny, take a leaf out of your cats book and sleep! Your hair will start to grow back soon and brace yourself - it will more than likely be curly, a different colour and it will come back in places you never knew hair could grow. Make the most of not having to shave your armpits while you can. That sense of humour is what will get you through this. As Monty Python said, always look on the bright side of life.. know its very hard sometimes. Just think of all the money you have saved on shampoo! Your email made me laugh out loud. I take my spare hair off to you - but will put it back on very quickly as its winter here!

Day 75

Today I dedicate this blog to a very good friend of mine, she is always there for me to pick me up and her little finger must be very sore because she holds mine in hers when I need it most. She sent me these words after reading my blog yesterday and I wanted to share them with you because yet again, she has made me feel better. Thank you Bryher.

Know you think that there is a high chance of you getting secondaries but remember that life is a gamble and that is what makes life not boring - you could live to be 100 and confound medical science; you could be run over by that bus you talk about - there are so many possibilities that can happen in life and we don’t know the half of them - better than we don’t I think! Just taking one step at a time is the major point in life; smelling the roses on the way and appreciating everything we see, do and live, as you say are the main things.

Life is the journey - not the destination and wow.. are we having a rollercoaster of a ride!

Day 74

I was chatting with my boss today (managed 5 hours today!) about how I am feeling, impending scan etc and I told him that there is a very high chance that I will get more of these secondaries (he enquired about radiotherapy but if they do that to my liver it would microwave it) and that realistically, my life expectancy has been greatly reduced and that I am never going to grow old. He looked me in the eye and said that getting old is overrated, who wants to end up dribbling in a bath chair. It would have been nice to have had a life before I got this but you know what - I have been given a chance that not everybody has. I have got a chance now to live my life to the full, to love as much as I can, to laugh, get out there and experience it because for me now, every day is a precious and a gift. Cancer gives you that gift. I could walk in front of a bus tomorrow and not have told my son how proud I am of him or how much I love him. Bitter sweet, this cancer lark. If I can see my son grow into the fine man I know he will become, I will be happy. How many of us walk through this life without living it until its too late. I have been given the chance to do that while I am still young enough to do it. And I am bloody well going to.

Day 73

I have to say I am amazed at how well I am feeling! I woke up on Wednesday and felt like a different person, my ankles were still very sore as well as my finger and toes nails (that's a new one, socks and shoes quite uncomfortable) but little or no chemo fatigue. It feels so good to be not feeling totally shattered, I have relaxed this weekend and I am feeling up to doing a full day at work tomorrow - I want to make the most of feeling well but I am aware of not kicking the backside out of it. I want to start losing the weight that I have put on through the chemo and the steroids so I can enjoy the summer next year (my winter clothes obviously shrank over the summer)and I really feel - better! I have my MRI on Thursday so we shall see whats going on and if I am right to be feeling as well as I am. Even now my fingernails are no longer hurting - text messages are fun to try and send when they are sore! But I do feel different. All those fingers being crossed out there are working. Thank you. Could not do this without you.

Day 68

Bit of an odd night, I kept waking up through the night saying "the fever has broken!". Very surreal. I finally fell into a deep sleep about 2am and then woke with the alarm at 7am. But I woke up feeling, well, better. My head was not fuzzy from the pain killers - which incidentally only just touched the pain last night. I have not had a nap to speak of today but my legs are really painful, from my ankles to my knees. Even having a warm bath tonight has not helped and I find myself looking forward to bed so that I can take my pain killer. But what I cannot get over is the fact that I feel really good considering I had chemo 4 days ago. Last year the doctor said the best indication of how I am doing is how I am feeling, was I feeling any worse or better. Today I feel better - the pain in my legs is just the side effects from the chemo. I have little or no pain in my liver area. If this is following the pattern it did last time, my breast lump disappeared between rounds 4 and 5 of chemo and had gone by round 6. Keep your fingers crossed for me.

Day 67

This is my worst day post chemo and oh boy don't I know it. I woke up this morning and my tongue felt as if I have been chewing on it all night, so sore. I am going to whinge which is not like me but I feel as if every part of me hurts, my legs, my neck, my finger nails, even my eyes. I don't want to take any pain killers until bedtime though so I am just putting up with it but I will be having an early night tonight. I slept for 9 hours last night but it took me a while to get off. I don't like to complain so I won't but I just need you to know I am feeling about as rough as I can be. I have even had to take anti-sickness tablets today. BUT! I am also craving potatoes. Now that sounds cryptic but I always crave mashed potatoes when I am poorly as I know its my get you feeling better food. I am not craving protein. I am following the same pattern that I did last time. I will know the results of my MRI by the 21st November when I go for round 5 of my treatment. I need to rest now but I will be feeling better tomorrow I am sure. I hope so!

Day 66

Slept all the way through last night from 10pm until 7am after having a pain killer last night. I felt my ankles starting to ache last night before I went to bed and sure enough as soon as I settled in bed my right ankle started to hurt - but all I had to do was wait for the pain killer to kick in. Beating this at its own game. The only downside is that I now have the side effects of the pain killer! I cannot believe that I should be taking 6 of those a day, I am getting by on just one a night but it leaves me feeling stoned. My breathing is heavier as well at the moment, I actually woke myself up because I was breathing as if I had run a marathon. If I move my head too fast I feel dizzy so I am going to take it easy today - I have no choice in the matter! Even typing this is fun! Mt left wrist is quite painful as well - that seems to be a left over from my first course of chemo as it used to hurt then too. I am ok in myself, I need to concentrate on getting better at the moment and I know that all those around me want the same for me as well so I better get on with it!

Day 65

Woke up in the wee hours this morning and did a body diagnostic as is my way! Felt ok at 4.30am today, no pain in my liver area, just felt a little nauseous but not enough to need tablets. I managed to get back to sleep for a few more hours. I feel sluggish and tired and the old brain is not functioning properly already. Struggling with conversations and having to really think before I reply to people. I am not in any pain yet in my legs but my liver is making its presence known but not too much. I do not feel the need to take any pain relief for that just yet but I think I will take some for my ankles tonight so I can sleep. I know that when I get into bed tonight it will start to hurt. I am ok..not worried about it just getting on with it in my own way and it works for me. I know I will be feeling better by Wednesday - getting to be an old hand at this now! And the fact that I only have to go through this twice more is really good. I will do whatever it takes to come out the other side of this. Rest assured.

Day 64

Round four under my belt now! Went really well, the nurse managed to get it in first time which was a relief after last time. Also had to see the doctor as I have not seen a consultant since August. My MRI date is the 13th November and they cannot decide on my future treatment until they have the results of this but according to the doctor I have lots of options still. Even if the docetexel is not working there are other forms of chemo they can throw at me. She even spoke of me continuing on the herceptin after - but you can also have docetexel and herceptin together. She said the herceptin had worked because my breast lump has not come back nor the tumours on my lungs and lymph nodes. That made me feel so much better! Of course I am worried that the chemo is not working. That is only natural. I had quite a lot of pain last week in the liver area and then I woke up Thursday morning and I felt 'different'. I am not in any pain at the moment and I am buzzing from the steroids so I am actually feeling really good just now!

Day 62

Thought I better say hello constant reader.. at the moment if I am not working I am sleeping but I am surrounded by people who care for me. I have enjoyed being at work this week, managed to do what needed doing as I won't be there next week. Know it is in safe hands. My boss made me laugh today, as I left I said to him have a good weekend and he replied have a nice chemo! I know he meant well! Right now I am feeling like I want to shut myself away from the outside world a bit, it's ok, just not looking forward to Friday. Each time it is getting harder to get the canula in. I have terrible veins, so the wrong person for this disease! I want to wrap myself up in my duvet and stay there,just me. Don't worry, you know this is a temporary thing as do I, this time next week I will be bouncing again. Remember I told you that I wanted to put how I felt once better in a bottle? I did. And I remember how it feels. I reckon just a couple of drops of that amazing feeling will keep me going over the next week or so. One thing the chemo can't get rid of though.. I am still laughing with my friends. All angels suffer. But all angels have wings to keep them flying. This is me wrapping my wings around me. I will come out the other side smiling in the sun.

Day 57

Guess what.. still feeling shattered!! And have a pain in my right hand side now as well but I suspect this is due to the fact that I have been having cow's milk on my cereal for the last two mornings instead of soya milk- I have noticed a pain when I have cheese as well hence why normally all dairy is off my list at the moment. Have no fear I am back on the soya milk now. Even when I wake up from my naps I feel tired, it takes me 5-10 mins to actually get out of bed whereas normally I am a leap out of bed sort of person. But as I said to my son earlier, it's not forever and I will be feeling less tired after Christmas. I am looking forward to Christmas, this year I will have my son with me and I am going to make sure we have the best time. And I think I will be entitled to a nap after lunch!

Day 56

I walked into the office today and I have to say it was wonderful - my team has not been altogether for such a long time and we were nearly all back together today. And if that was not enough for me, the soft sods bought me a huge bunch of flowers. I really am the luckiest girl in the world. I have a job I love working with people I love. It was so good, sitting there watching them all as the banter was going around the office. Felt like being home. I slept again this morning and then managed to do all afternoon and I am not overly tired now so I think that is the way to go forward. Everyone is saying that there is no pressure on me going to work, that anytime I do is a bonus. The point is - I want to be there. Apart from the fact that all my friends are there, it keeps things normal and I enjoy the brainwork involved in my job. So I am going to sleep in the mornings and then go into work in the afternoon. It was good to be home today. Thanks guys xxx

Day 55

I am so tired! I slept again for ten hours last night, got up, made it into work for 2 1/2 hours and then came home again to sleep... which I did. It is beginning to concern me how much sleep I am actually needing at the moment, the fatigue is hitting me on a much larger scale this time. I had a chat with my line manager today, they are actually providing more funding for my job share - providing she can do the hours - so that I don't have to worry about coming in. We discussed me not coming in at all for a while and I think for the first time it's something I may have to consider. I definitely struggled to get in this morning. I am going to try having my nap in the morning and then going in the afternoons to see if I can manage that. Other than that I am feeling ok, I have noticed my eyelashes are starting to suffer a bit - I did lose most of them last time but my eyebrows are still going strong - I didn't lose them last time either. But still got my smile.

Day 54

Feeling a little better today, slept for ten hours last night but still went back to bed this morning and then fell asleep on the sofa this afternoon. I had fatigue last time with the chemo but not on this scale, I really feel that I could sleep around the clock quite cheerfully. Do you remember me telling you that my nails hurt on my first and second fingers of both hands - the pain has now gone but I noticed today I have now got purple moons on my nails, I can now see in my nails when I started chemo and the difference in the colour before and after. The dull ache in my side has virtually gone now, I get the odd twinge now and then but its not even a twinge, more like a low rumble. The difference in my attitude this time with having chemo is probably the biggest difference. Last time I was still trying to get into work every day, I know I pushed myself way to hard, even my boss said I was overdoing it. I took my body for granted. This time I am listening to my body and I am doing what I used to do when I was a child. If I was ever feeling poorly I used to take myself off to bed and sleep. Sleep is my healer. Ok, this is me admitting to myself - I am about as poorly now as I can be. So I need as much sleep as I can get. And I must stop beating myself up about it. I can stop sleeping when I am better.

Day 53

Woke up this morning feeling totally urgh.. to add insult to injury I have a cold. I managed to do the entire course of chemo last year without getting one cold, this is the second one I have had already this course and I am only half way through. Chemo knocks out your immune system so I am more susceptible to lurgies. I will be ok though in a couple of days. In the meantime just keeping warm, drinking lots and blowing my nose constantly - oh I look so attractive!!

Day 49

Feels like I am sleeping the days away at the moment, it was a beautiful day today and I wanted to get out into the garden but I slept through the middle of the day. I know I need the sleep. I keep thinking about people who refuse chemotherapy. I never understood why.. why deny yourself something that could save your life. But then you go through it a second time with no guarantee that it will work, it makes you feel worse and the hardest thing that I have had to deal with is that its stealing time with my son. I am a barely there mother sometimes and that breaks my heart. Yet there are times like today when I very badly threw a netball over the fence at his school to his teacher, he turns round and says that was a great throw mum, not everyone could hit the fence like that.. he makes me laugh and I realise what an incredible boy I have raised. I love him so much and I am so damned proud of him. So, back to refusing chemo - I can now understand why people do. To be able to spend your last moments walking in the sun with the ones you love, being in control of your own destiny...I am going to fight this don't worry. But I am more understanding now of of those who don't. I hope you always walk in the sunshine.

Day 48

I woke up this morning and felt like a different person, its incredible what sleep can do. The fact that I have been able to rest properly at night time thanks to the painkillers has made all the difference. That and sleeping every morning, I really have been resting up properly this time. I need to pop how I am feeling right now in a box so I can take it out next time I am feeling rough just to remind me that I do come out the other side feeling ok. My finger tips on my first two fingers of both hands are still sore, that is a known side effect and I have noticed that my hand is not healing very well from where I cut it just before I had chemo - of course it won't be, the fast growing regenerative cells would have been hit. My friend made an observation about me and my blog, she says it is like there is two of me, one who is the observer doing this blog and another who is getting on with having the disease. I am finding me at the moment. This is a hard journey but just lately I have been asking myself questions, why am I going through this, what is there for me at the other side. I am using this experience to learn and life really is incredibly colourful. I believe that life is not the destination its all about the journey and I am being shown so much right now.

Day 47

A quick message for those of you who know me and who are reading this - what I am about to write I have to, because I need to get it off my chest. I need you to understand that it's only my body that is suffering, I am fine within myself. Yes I am having chemo so I am bound to be feeling rough but you have no need to worry about me, I am not worried about me.

I had to call the doctor last night, I got myself ready for bed and all was not right, I had been feeling stoned all day yesterday and thirsty and then I went to the loo and found I was bleeding as well. I called the doctor and he said that the tramedol may have irritated my stomach so he advised me to take only one. I was in pain last night because I was scared to take the pain killers but once I had taken some and spoken to him I was fine. My body is taking a real hammering at the moment, even my finger tips hurt, it actually hurts to send a text message. My ears are sensitive, as are my eyes. I have had some small pain in my liver area today but nowhere near as much as I have been having. I don't feel as stoned today as I did yesterday but holding a conversation is still an effort. I have some pain in my ankles and legs but it's bearable - I have not taken any pain killers today. My body is at war but my mind isnt, I am calm, still laughing and accepting of the fact that I have to go through this to get to the other side. I am not worried about me, I know this is just the side effects of the chemo, they are all known, I am just having more of them than I did last time - and last time I did not get rid of the cancer.

Day 46

Go me!! I have beaten the chemo at it's own game!! I started to get pain in my ankles again last night, it started to spread up my left leg towards my left hip and my right thigh bone so I took two pain killers at 9pm, I was tucked up in bed by 10pm and I slept through until 7am! My bed did look as if it hadn't been slept in so I suspect the painkillers totally knocked me out. My legs feel very wobbly at the moment but I am not in very much pain - the ankles are feeling 'crunchy' as is my left wrist but we are talking 1-2 on the pain scale not the 7-8 I got last time. I feel fine within myself, relieved that I now know how to manage the pain and I can sleep. I am getting virtually no pain in the liver area - I even managed a coffee yesterday which until recently triggered pains and there was nothing. I am going to rest up today and take it easy, I know this body of mine is taking a hammering so I am going to look after it.

It is now half six in the evening.. had an ok day, I just feel as if my brain has been sucked out through my nose. I feel stoned, even sending a simple text message seems to require a massive amount of effort. My legs are aching, my taste buds have gone AWOL and I am so thirsty. I want to sleep around the clock. I woke up again after 11am today and it took me half an hour to come round and get out of bed. This is only to be expected and I am not being hard on myself, I have just had chemo. For those of you who are reading this, please bear with me. I know I will be feeling better soon. I am not pushing you away, it just takes an awful lot right now for me to talk to you. Still love you.

Day 45

I have woken up late this morning, slept really well apart from having my now to be regular early morning feed at 6.30am! Had some cereal with some anti-sickness tablets and then managed to sleep for another 3 hours. As I went downstairs this morning I felt the first warning twinges in my ankles - my left ankle more this time and my left wrist is a bit tender. However, I have just cooked and polished off a full english breakfast so I am obviously feeling just fine! I do feel fine in myself as well, I had loads of contact with my friends yesterday, they are around for me today and I don't have to do anything today so I am going to have a lazy one and rest up. My little fella is being a real star, letting me sleep when I need it. I am so proud of him. He still does not know that I am poorly, he just thinks that I have changed my medication. He is not asking questions and I am not going to tell him. I cannot wait for this all to be over so that I can get back to being his mum again and not somebody who is sleeping around the clock all the time.

Day 44

Not feeling too bad at the moment, the steroids have given me a rosy glow. I woke up at half six, had my first lot of steroids with some cereal and then managed to get back to sleep for another hour or so. I am feeling fairly tired at the moment,I took the little fella to the movies after lunch and could feel myself flagging on the way back to the car. I came home, did a little light housework and then crashed out on the bed for another hour. I did have to take anti-sickness tablets this morning but it was a case of prevention rather than cure. It's tomorrow I am going to be hit if its going to hit me. I am not worrying though. I know I can sleep as much as I want and will rest when I can. I also have the super duper pain killers to kick it into touch should I need them. Feeling calm and relaxed and ready for the fight.I have had no pain in the liver area at all yet, the dull ache that I had before has virtually gone. This is how it was when my breast lump was dying, I had two rounds of chemo and had extreme pain in the lump area and then it went off again. I do not wish to tempt fate but having been through this before its following the same pattern again. Feeling warm and protected.

Day 43

Round 3 over and done with. Bad side was that the vein they put the canula in first, in the back of my left hand collapsed whilst I was waiting for the meds and when they tried to push the meds through the pain was excruciating- made me cry! And you know it takes a lot to make me cry. But then they put in through my right arm and I did not even feel the canula go in. And I didn't get the irritating need to get away from the medicine feeling so much this time. So how am I feeling now? Very tired but then I was awake for a while last night thanks to the steroids, they do mess with my sleep patterns. I was eating cereal at 4am this morning because I woke up hungry! But other than that I am feeling fine. Just about to take my second lot of steroids for the day, I have to have more tomorrow and then thats me done. And no more chemo now for another 3 weeks! I am at the peak of the mountain, my treatment is all down hill from now on. My hair is growing back already and its not the baby fuzz I had last year, this is proper bristly hair possibly due to the fact that I am not wearing spare hair, just my hats and I am not wearing them all the time either. And its blonde. See, the things I go through to get blonde hair!!! Thanks to all of you who sent me messages of support today, they mean so much to me, just knowing you guys are rooting for me and thinking of me. Love you all.

Day 42

Feeling so much better today! See, I said I would. I took my steroids after breakfast and went back to bed, slept. I took them again after lunch and went back to bed and slept again! And I have not had the shakes and palpatations that I have had before because I slept them off! It is definitely the way to go forward. Curiously I had mild aching in my legs today. My blood results are normal yet again - I want to see my tumour markers now though. But I think I will sneak a peek after 3 rounds of chemo as the markers always go up initially and I don't want to scare myself. I went to Tesco this afternoon to get all my food in so that I don't have to worry next week and I have to say I had loads of smiles! Now some of them would have been uncomfortable smiles - I am just wearing my hat again but I have to say that I see a gentler side of humanity at the moment and it's beautiful. People do become incredibly protective when they see one of their own is 'suffering'. Now, to look at me, I am the least victim looking like person on the planet! But I still get the smiles because I smile at them first. And that makes me happy.

Day 41

Feeling a little better today but still feeling a little emotional. I have my friends around me again and I feel more settled but I found myself getting tearful again at work. I am so close to my friends there, it breaks my heart when I think that I may be leaving them. I don't want to leave the party. I know what this is all about. I have to have another MRI in about 4 weeks time and it will show if the tumours are shrinking. Everything seems bittersweet at the moment. I know its not in my nature to be maudlin and I have no doubt that I will shake this off soon. Please just bear with me. I am sleeping around the clock as well, I went back to bed this morning after having my bloods taken and slept until 1pm. There is part of me that just wants to shut myself away but then I know how much I would be missing out on. And thats the bit of me that is strong and keeps me going. There is so much for us out there. Open your eyes and see what is good in your life.. dont dwell on the bad.

Day 40

Feeling a little blue today although I am smiling on the outside. I rely and depend on my friends so much so when I turn around and they are not there because they are struggling with their own lives, I feel lost. I suppose because I cope with what I am going through so well, I forget that my friends may not be coping with their own problems as well as I maybe would. This is so hard and I know I cannot do this on my own. That scares me so much. I went to the doctors today and he has prescribed me some stronger pain killers so that when I get zapped on Friday at least I don't have to put up with the pain and I will be able to sleep. I feel so alone. My line manager came over to see me today for a welfare visit which was lovely, I have so much support from work. I know I am not alone really, there are still some of you rooting for me and letting me know I am ok. It just hurts so much when a friend cannot tell me why they cannot talk to me. I am not alright but I will be ok, the thing about friends is that it's a two way street.. just because I am living with this disease, it does not stop me caring about how others feel or being there for them. Deep breaths, hold my head high and try to keep smiling but sometimes its bloody hard.

Day 39

I went into town on Friday for the first time wearing just my hat, no hair.. and nobody looked at me as if I had two heads. It was fantastic and totally liberating. I nipped to Tesco to get fuel first, little steps, then went right into town. So I have cracked it as far as I am concerned. I could understand people who care not minding and I now know that others don't care either - the only person who had the problem was me. And now I don't! I had a fabulous weekend, very lazy and very comfortable with people who care about me. It was lovely. The only thing I am concerned about is that I have a few blotches on me at the moment, another side effect of the chemo sadly. I am at the doctors tomorrow to get some more pain relief, I am having chemo again on Friday and I am not going to have the pain that I had to put up with last time in my legs and wrist. I am not going to put up with it anymore. And a quick message for Lynn - hunny you sound so much like me! Your email made me laugh so much! Keep it up love, we are kicking bottom together.

Day 33

For those of you who need your daily fix.. here I am! I am currently at home with the sniffles, not feeling too bad but I don't want to make the problem worse so I am having a day at home with my blankie and some chocolate. Bliss! I went to work yesterday without my spare hair on and nobody batted an eyelid. Everyone knows at work and I feel comfortable enough not to feel conscious about the fact. One of my colleagues said it did not matter if I had hair or not I still look gorgeous. That was lovely. I have decided this year for Halloween I am going to paint my head green so that I can look like Yoda from Star Wars! One thing I wanted to tell you which I find very odd and quite unsettling now is that since I had chemo last time, when I cry, my tears are really cold. I really don't like it. I have been on eBay and I am buying lots of baker style caps - one needs a lot of caps to match her wardrobe! I am going to keep my spare hair for special occasions. Those of you who love me accept me for what I look like and I am becoming more comfortable with it too. My biggest challenge will be the first time I do the shops. People are bound to stare but hey! I am gorgeous! And it's not as if I am the only person in the world to have this. More's the pity.

Day 29

I dedicate todays entry to my dearest friend and addicted reader Bryher..you will never know how much support you have given to me over the last year or so, being able to hold your little finger in my mind when I have my chemo, just knowing I have a friend out there who really knows what I am going through because you have gone through it too.. you are my angel and if nothing else comes out of this dreadful experience..I have found you. For goodness sake next time can we both work in the same shop or something!!!!

Thanks to Bryher and the fact that I actually slept last night (bar the eating Weetabix at 3am as I woke up hungry) I have had a fabulous day. I am tired at the moment but its a healthy tired, I have not had any cramps at all today, a little pain in my liver area but I am feeling 100% better compared to earlier in the week. My scalp is covered in little spots at the moment - its the toxins coming out, that is why my head has been so sore. I have some on my chest as well but not as bad. Every day, as I lie in my bed, I think to myself.. have I had a good day? I was chatting with another friend today, she has a perma-grin - always smiling. She was almost killed in a car accident. We have the same mentality. How many of us go from day to day in the same routine just moving through the day without actually thinking. So every night as I lie in bed I say.. have I had a good day. And you know what..pretty much every night I say yes. I have laughed. I have loved my son. I have achieved something - even if its making someone smile who needed to. I have good days.

Day 28

Had those cramps again last night, its cruel, the moment I get settled and comfortable my right ankle and foot goes into spasm. I woke up this morning feeling more lethargic. However, as the day has gone on, I have been surrounded by friends, I have laughed lots and I am so very much loved. I went to collect my son from his after school club this afternoon and as I sat in the car, I thought to myself, right now, I feel about as beautiful as I can. I don't mean physically!! Inside. And the sun broke free and warmed me. I cried. I so hope that I am not going through this for nothing. I hope there is something for me the other side. But in saying that.. I think this is more about the journey than the destination. I still feel incredibly blessed. Its true, you never see more beauty than when you are suffering and you never feel more alive than when you are close to death. The leaves are changing, these warm autumn days are my favourite time of year and I am happy.

Day 27

Oh what evilness can by my body do to me now!! I went to bed last night feeling fine, not needing any pain killers.. got all comfortable and then it hit me - excruciating cramps in my feet and legs, was literally writhing around on the bed in pain. That really felt like a slap in the psyche, insult to injury. I woke up at ten to seven though and the pain had abated again. I feel more 'with it' today, able to hold a conversation. The only other thing that is getting to me at the moment is my hair or rather lack of it or I wish it would now just fall out altogether. My scalp is itchy and sore, the toxins are coming out through my scalp, my 'fluff' is falling out in buckets. It won't be long before I am as bald as a coot and then I will be able to rub my head and go aaaah!! I told my boss today that everyone will just have to put up with me looking poorlier, I cannot possibly wear spare hair at the moment it will be too painful. So flatcaps and a smile for now me thinks!

Day 26

Feeling a damn sight better today than I was yesterday, the pain in my legs (which I will tell you now was hitting 7-8) has abated down to a low 2-3, I feel like a baby giraffe a bit, like I have run a marathon, wobbly and a sense of relief in the bones. I slept much better last night, I took some fairly good pain killers and then just got as comfortable as I could. But I slept pretty much all the way through. It's incredible what pain does to your mentality. This time yesterday I was feeling very 'oh woe is me', today I feel more 'yeah come on then is that as good as you can give me?!'. Pain is a terrible thing. But sleep is a great healer. My mouth feels dry and yucky at the moment so I am drinking more which is a good thing, I have noticed that it's my organs that are protesting a bit more today - maybe they have been but the pain from my legs has been too much, my liver and my lungs feeling it a bit just now. But overall.. I feel calm, round two done, let me just brush myself off, lets start climbing that mountain.

Day 25

I have been awake for an hour now- just waiting for the medication to kick in. My ankles and wrists are killing me and I am feeling sick, so just taken some anti-sickness tablets. In fact, lots of my bones are aching, my right leg from ankle to hip, even the joints of my big toes. It has hit my legs. It is a known side effect of the Docetaxol and I was warned but right now all I can think about is this is going to get worse, I have only had 2 lots and I am already dreading the next round. I know I felt like this last time, I know I dreaded having to have the chemo but at least last time I wasn't in pain. I crept downstairs to get some money - I am on tooth fairy duty tonight for my son - and it was all I could do to get back upstairs. I am ok, not upset, just very matter of fact about this all. I can understand why people refuse to have the treatment - if I wasn't so bloody minded, determined and positive with the thought of coming out the other side...

It's now the morning - I am still in a lot of pain, mostly from my right ankle and left wrist but my mouth is hurting too. I have just emailed my dearest friend, Bryher, and I need to tell you too. I am glad that I am suffering because as you know, last time I had chemo I walked through it, it was almost as if I just had a bad cold. This time I am really experiencing what chemo is like. Last time I didn't get rid of all the cancer. You get my drift..?

Day 24

Feeling pretty pathetic at the moment.. everything seems a huge struggle. I slept better last night - I was right, it was the steroids that were keeping me awake, by taking them at lunchtime yesterday, I managed to sleep all the way through last night for 8 hours - but had to go back to bed this morning and then again this afternoon. I am ok, just feeling a bit sorry for myself. I know I am not doing this on my own constant reader and friend but I am sitting at the bottom of a huge mountain and the other side seems so far away. I know I felt like this last time - I am only feeling like this because I am feeling so totally wasted. Once I get sessions 3 & 4 under my belt I know I am on the home straight. Even thinking requires a massive amount of effort and right now I just want to close the door and get on with it. My little man is being an absolute star - I couldn't wish for a better child, he is being a real trooper and I told him as much today - I am so proud of him. Ignore the mood I am in friend.. I have no doubt it is only temporary.

Day 23

So how am I feeling today.. well right now I feel ok. But that is a recent thing. I have got pain on a much bigger scale this time - I now know where my two tumours are because oh boy are they taking a kicking. Imagine chinese burns but on the inside. Unfortunately I sleep on my right hand side so I woke up at 7am today and my right side was singing, 6/10 for pain I think - but then I can put up with a fair bit. I took my steroids after breakfast and they didn't knock me too much, managed to get two loads of washing out. I then took the second lot with my lunch because I am fairly certain that its been taking them after tea that has been disturbing my sleep - I was awake at half one this morning again. I felt dreadful all afternoon and then I finally gave in about half three - I crashed out on the sofa for around an hour.. then woke up, my tummy rumbling. I have just cooked a huge veggie stirfry, got all the washing in and washed up.. my eyes are not tired and the pain has abated somewhat in my side. The body is an incredible thing. I am listening carefully. I needed to stop.. my breathing was laboured while I rested on the sofa and now I feel just fine. I am not going to kick the backside out of me this time. I am being good.

Day 22

Well just had round two of my chemo, Docetaxol. Had a full dose today, last time I had a 3/4 dose to ensure I didn't have an allergic reaction to it. I did have the most horrible feeling for the first 5-10 minutes as it went in, felt as if I needed to get away from the stuff, my legs and my body went all restless and it was horrid but then it settled down and I think I actually dropped off for 10 minutes. I had a dreadful night last night, my legs were really achey but then I normally have a bad night before chemo. I think it wasn't helped by the fact that I took my steroids at 7pm last night after my dinner and they hadn't worn off before bedtime as I couldn't settle. The steroids weren't as bad as I thought they would be, I had a large-ish breakfast, gave myself half an hour to get ready but found myself getting breathless whilst I was in the shower. Other than that they were fine. I have just taken some more and I have to take them tomorrow as well then thats it. Right now I am feeling absolutely fine, if tired, but you would never gues that I have had chemotherapy today. I have no doubt that there may be some aching later, there was last time in my legs and back but I will deal with that as I need to. I have had incredible support as always from my friends today, so many of you are keeping an eye on me and I feel so lucky. I truly am blessed. I am going to rest up as a good girl should and let the stuff do its thing. I am not going to work next week, if nothing else, my immune system took a kicking today and above all, I am letting my body rest as it needs to repair. Taking it more steady than I did last time. The world can wait for me for a change.

Day 19

Well I have just bitten the bullet.. I have just buzz cut my own hair. It was one of those moments when you just have to get on and do it. And I know I have done the right thing because the pain in my scalp has gone. Does not stop it hurting in my heart though. It's ok, I have had a cry, must admit, feeling a little Why Me today but you know what, I think I am bloody entitled. I know everything happens for a reason and Bryher, I know that it's just a phase I have to go through and it will pass but right now it hurts. I need to tell my blog because for the rest of the world I am still smiling. It's better for me to smile than to cry - better for my body and better for my soul. But to add insult to injury I then had to empty the hoover out!! I am not alright but I will be ok as Mr BonJovi says. I can now touch my head and it doesn't hurt anymore and for that I am grateful.

Day 18

Feeling more tired again.. had a busy weekend, I drove for 3 1/2 hours to my sisters and back and then went mad in the garden yesterday afternoon in the glorious Autumn sunshine but then of course I felt whacked out last night and today. My hair is really hurting. For those of you who are female and reading this, can you imagine having your hair in permanent over tight bunchies - thats how it feels. I couldn't wash my hair this morning I had to sort of pat it with the shampoo and its falling out big time now, if I run my fingers through my hair I pull out loads. But it's actually not looking too bad. I now have a decision to make - do I persevere with the pain or do I bite the bullet and give myself a grade 4 cut all over now. What this is does is stop it hurting in bed - I am not pulling the hair then. I am disheartened by the fact that it took me so long to grow my hair last time. I would so much rather keep my own but I know it's inevitable. And hey. It's only hair. I have done this before I can do it again. Sadly, it's the only telltale that my son may pick up on and right now he still doesn't know.

Day 13

I just needed to tell you how good I am feeling.. this is the thing with this illness and the treatment, today I feel fantastic. I actually woke myself up laughing in the wee hours this morning..I dreamt I picked up a puppy and it broke wind.. I obviously found this very funny because I woke up giggling!! I slept all the way through last night from 10.15pm until when my alarm went off at 6.50am - giggling didn't stop me from going straight back to sleep! I have a bit of an ache this morning but my eyes feel so much better and I feel ok to go into work. We shall have to see how I am feeling later in the day but right now I feel fab!

Day 12

Oh I am shattered!! I woke up this morning and thought 'oh its only Tuesday'! I am so tired and its the fatigue hitting now. Having cancer of the liver makes you tired anyway.. having chemo is just the icing on the cake. That and the fact that I had a bad nights sleep on Sunday with the pain. But it's not all bad, work are making sure that I am not overdoing it as are my friends.. my friends, my wonderful friends. I am truly blessed. I feel so loved. This is the gift of cancer.. you get to realise how loved you are before you die as opposed to at your funeral. Don't panic! That's not defeatist talk.. you don't know me very well if you think I am giving up!! I am still smiling.. now that's the real me. My hair is aching.. that sounds odd I know but its the folicles on the top of my head. If I am going to lose my hair it will be soon, I am resigned to the fact. Be nice not to but hey.. small price to pay.

Day 11

The biting pain is back and with a vengeance. It woke me up this morning - I sleep on my right side so I woke up feeling very uncomfortable. In true me style though I am trying not to take pain killers - for two reasons. I like to feel the pain - it shows that something has changed since the chemo, if the ache was still the same then it would imply nothing had happened but the fact that I am having the same pain as I had in my breast last year.. that feels fantastic. Also, I don't want to take too many painkillers as I don't want to build a up a resistance to them. I will take them at bedtime tonight if I need to in order that I can get more sleep than I did last night. In myself I feel fine, if tired. Apparently I look better, more colour in my cheeks than last week. Let's just see how I go.

Day 10

Feeling worse today which is different from last time.. last time I felt better as the days went on between sessions. I woke up this morning at 7, got up for an hour and half to have breakfast and then realised I really needed to go back to bed so I did.. and slept for another 3 hours. I only woke up because of the rain outside. Initially I felt fantastic, ready to do some serious housework... right now, an hour and a half later, I feel shattered. My breathing is laboured and everything is an effort. I also have the ache back in my side. I think I know what is going on. When a tumour is attacked, its initial reaction is to throw out lots of growth chemicals - this happens as a norm and it happened to me last year. The tumour is trying to protect itself...because it has received a direct hit. So I am being a good girl and taking it easy. I am going to do the bare minimum today and rest. I am listening to my body.

Day 7

And feeling better again today... bit more tired than yesterday, I could have quite cheerfully curled up and gone to sleep this afternoon but my brain feels a lot clearer. I won't blog daily for a bit - at this point I will just bore you to tears with my 'I am tired but ok' comments but if anything changes or happens you will be the first to know. I do feel more in control this time which is a good thing for me. Still have my angels looking after me.

Day 6

What a difference a day makes, I have just finished a full day in the office! Ok, so it took me longer to clear my in-tray this morning, I had to focus on one task at a time instead of looking at everything but oh it was good to be back at my desk and tackling things, feeling more like me than a sleepy person. I feel invigorated again and more up for the fight. I had a prod over the liver area today - now it has been tender to touch around there for a while now, hence why I thought it was muscular, but today I cannot make it hurt. I prodded good and proper. Ok, I am not going to get too excited, I have done several things lately which may be contributing to this, I am not eating meat or dairy products, I am eating more fruit and veg than I can shake a sticky bat at, I am taking some super immune boosting vitamins and I am also having chemo... but no pain has got to be good. And here's to you Bryher, one year on and you have a clear MRI. I am so incredibly pleased for you, you have fought the good fight. I am so proud of you and proud to be able to call you friend. Now give me your green triangles! xxx

Day 5

I didn't manage to make it into work today, it just felt like a huge task to go in this morning. I didn't sleep terribly well last night, I had nightmares, I had the most vivid dreams with the chemo last time, I just wanted to take time out today and relax for a bit. I got some beautiful flowers, chocolates and a teddy from good friends, such a lovely surprise, one of my dearest friends called me (Hello Bryher!), she is keeping a very good eye on me, I have friends calling me and keeping in touch, making sure I am not overdoing it. It's my friends who pulled me through this last time and I know it will be my friends who get me through it this time. I do have a different attitude this time, Bryher has noticed it. Last time it was all fight and attitude and I think I was guilty of pushing myself too hard.. is that why it has come back? Who knows. So this time.. still positive but more sensible with it.. taking it easy. The world can wait while I get better.

Day 4

Feeling much more tired today, my brain is not as as bright as it is normally and little jobs like doing the shopping, the housework etc seem mountainous. I know I shouldn't be hard on myself - I have just had chemotherapy for goodness sake! I didn't wake up today until half eight and then had to have another hour in bed this afternoon. I know it's just symptomatic of the chemo so I am not worrying about it. My friends are rallying round me as the news is starting to trickle through as well. I expect I am going to go into the office for an hour or so tomorrow morning just to clear my desk and then I am going to come home and rest because this time I feel so much more tired, my body is screaming at me to rest up. And I am listening.

Day 3

Still feeling ok today, bit tired and I have noticed some markings on my skin, I had that last time with the last chemo. My hair is already feeling dry but the aches and pains that I had on Friday are totally gone. I have really noticed that there is no ache in my side from the liver already, after the biting pains I had on Friday. I only had 3/4 of the dosage this time as the doctor wanted to see how I reacted to the chemo so I am going to call him tomorrow and let him know I want the full whack next time, throw the book at me. I strongly suspect I will be at work on Tuesday but if I am tired I will be going home, I am going to make sure I don't overdo it.

Day 2

Not feeling too bad at all today - no sickness at all. So different from last time when I woke up the morning after the chemo and had to run for the anti-sickness tablets. I woke up at 3am and did a full body diagnostic! No pain in my back or legs and only the bitey ache in my liver which was comforting but even that is not causing me any grief. I was not hungry last night and I only ate this morning because I had to take the dreaded steroid tablets again - I hate them. They leave me breathless and my heart pounding so all I can do is rest up which isn't a bad thing really. My hair is already feeling drier and thinner somehow so I don't think it will be long now before it starts to fall out again - at least I don't have as much to lose this year! It was halfway down my back last year, this year I only have about 4" of regrowth. It's the only downside to having this treatment. I was deathly white last night, even my legs and arms were whiter than white so at least the steroids make my cheeks rosy as well. I am feeling fine.

Captains Log - Day 1

Well I have done it.. had my first dose of Docetaxol. How do I feel? Ruddy marvellous!! No allergic reaction to the medication, went in beautifully in just over an hour. My face has changed colour slightly, I went from looking flushed to deathly white, my lower back and legs are aching somewhat but nowhere near as much as I was expecting - it's similar to the ache I had after the first Herceptin. They took four attempts to get the the canula in but that was the only downside to the whole procedure. I went to bed when I got in but was not able to rest, so instead I jumped in the car, went to the shops and got Ben and Jerry's Phish Food icecream!!! I know its early days yet, there is a chance that I will feel worse as the days progress but I am not worried. Right now I am feeling fine... ooh yes..I know where the tumours are because right now they are hurting and we all know that pain is good when it comes to chemo. When I had the last batch I felt like I was being bitten hard in the area where my breast lump was and that's now gone. Loving Pink's new song 'So What', turned my stereo up loud and grinned all the way home!!

Counting the Days Again

I had a call this morning from the chemo nurse - I had bloods taken yesterday for my Herceptin tomorrow - and they are going to start my chemotherapy tomorrow!! I am so excited. I was impatient to get started on it and now its happening faster than I expected. So mad frantic phone calls to my friend who will be taking me - the same angel who was with me all the way last year bless her - work are now ready and geared up and friends are being told too. All systems go. And it knows it. I have pain in my side today. I am feeling totally fine, happy to be starting on it. I also found something else out today, the drug I am going to be having is called Docetaxol - and it was originally derived from Yew tree leaves. So this hippy chick who hugs trees and would love to live among them is being helped by the trees as well. There is something very special about that to me. I am holding my head up, looking at the cancer straight in the eye and saying to it... watch out. This chick is ready for battle.

Up... and down again

Hit the low today, same way I did after I was diagnosed last year. I handle the news full on and throw myself at it with all guns blazing and then I have to come down again. I had to go to the doctors this morning to have bloods taken for my last Herceptin on Friday (spookily it will be number 13)and the poor nurse asked me how I was - fatal. I ended up sobbing my heart out with her giving me a cuddle. But then dried my eyes and put that smile back on my face.. if I start to scream now I suspect I could crack the world... so instead, I take a deep breath, smile because if you smile on the outside you smile on the inside and those positive endorphins just love whipping the butts of cancer cells! I am fine now. I realised I have not had that pain at all in my side since Sunday so it's not all bad. I want to know my tumour marker results from the bloods I had taken today, I want to know if they have increased again. I suspect they will have but at least now I know why, where it is and what I am doing about it. And that means I feel calmer.

Work

First day back at work today after being told last Thursday - there was a part of me that didn't want to go in because I knew that I had to talk to more people and others would want to discuss it with me. I needn't have been worried. Yet again work are rallying round and it was actually really good to know where I stand and to be able to laugh with my friends. I really am being watched over. Cancer may have my body but my the rest of me is being looked after really really well.

Attack

I won't suffer, be broken, get tired or wasted, surrender to nothing or give up what I've started and stopped it, from end to beginning, a new day is dawning and I am full of life..I will attack.

'Attack' 30 Seconds to Mars.

I am at war. Bring it on.

Here we go again!

Ok constant reader, I have had the results from my MRI. The good news is that I have beaten breast, lung and lymph cancer!!! The bad news is I have got cancer of the liver. Bugger. I have two tumours on my liver, once is 3cm long and the other one is there but smaller. So what does this mean. Well, my liver is still functioning normally, bizarrely! Its not being affected by the tumours at all. I am now only dealing with one site not four. I am in a little bit of discomfort but its not continual. Next step.. more chemo. I am going to have another course of chemotherapy, a different one this time. It will make me lose my hair again (thats fine cos what I have now is sooo scary!!!) Then they will follow me up with different medication. The herceptin is not working. I told you I was an awkward customer!! I have told work I am going to have more time off this time - I only had 12 days off with the chemo last time. The chemo will affect me differently (well hey, why break the habit of a life time!)How do I feel.. now the initial shock has worn off and I have stopped crying and raging against the world (that was quick, only found out 4 hours ago) I feel calm and guess what.. bring it on. I am all fired up and ready to go. This chick is so not ready to leave the party yet.

MRI

I had a full body MRI on Thursday and they did my brain as well - not that they will find much in there! It's the first time I have been scanned since last October and since I stopped chemo in December. At the moment I am still waiting to see what the results are. Worrying about the results is not going to change them so I am not worrying. I think when I get the phone call from the doctor though my heart will be pounding and I will go icy cold. How do I feel in myself? Fine actually! I am a little more tired than usual, still get a bit breathless if I overdo it but I am not in any pain - the ache I have in my side is still there intermittantly but its certainly not constant - I am not in any pain right now. I am sleeping well, eating well and having so much fun with my friends. Life is good. I am looking at another autumn, not planning anything for the future still - my last herceptin will be administered on December 12th and that is when the scary time begins - unless the results from the scan dictate otherwise. I will let you know the results...

Day 1?

This time last year, on this day, I found out that the cancer had spread to my lymph nodes. It was my 13th wedding anniversary. I was yet to find out that it had spread to my liver and my right lung. I have just got back from seeing my oncologist. Ok, the good news is that my liver function tests are all showing normal, my ECG shows that my heart is normal and functioning well. The bad news is that my tumour markers are increasing again. When you have cancer, the cells put out a chemical that can be detected in your blood. Normal chemical levels are 0-50. When I finished my chemotherapy and had my check up in April, the markers were 9.7, well within normal boundaries. Three months later they have doubled to 17.4. What does this mean? Right now I don't know. They are going to refer me for another MRI scan. If this shows that the cancer has returned, I am looking at chemotherapy again. The doctor has told me this. He was also not overly concerned either. So how is my head feeling right now? Calmer than you might expect! I am not afraid of having chemo again (been there, done that!) and right now my body does not belong to me anyway. So bring it on. How is my heart feeling right now? It's breaking. The worst part about being ill is telling people that you are unwell, telling them bad news. I can put on a brave face, soften the blow, tell them that everything will be ok. This makes them feel better and therefore makes me feel better. All the way home all I could think about was my son and what I may have to put him through again. And of course all the other people around me that I love and who love me. I am not afraid. I never have been. But I still don't want to leave the party yet. I will keep you updated of course. You are with me all the way.

Journeys End?

Well I thought it was about time I brought you all up to speed with how I am doing. I saw my oncologist last Wednesday to be greeted with the news that all my blood results are now normal! I am still on the herceptin for now but they are looking at taking me off that. I have beaten this disease without any surgery or radiotherapy, purely chemotherapy and positive thinking and a lot of help from my friends. They are looking at keeping people like me on the herceptin now for 6 months instead of a year, I have already been on it for 4 months. My ECG's are also normal which means it is not affecting my heart. I think I have been extremely lucky. The chances of me getting this again is fairly high, thinking about it statitstically, if I was 70 when I first got this, I would only have around 15 years in which to get it again. As I was 34 when I got it, I am looking at potentially another 50 years in which I could get it. BUT! Beaten it once. Can do it again. I am still the postive person who started out on this journey but I am not the same person. I am stronger, calmer, fearless and I will never take anything for granted again. I have said it before, cancer can be a gift and it is up to us who have survived to make the most of our second chances.