If I thought last week was bad, this week was a lot worse. I went into hospital Tuesday night for my portacath to be put in on Wednesday, which it did, in the afternoon. Local anaesthetic which was very odd, being talked to by my surgeon as he operated on me. Came back down after surgery onto the ward, lay down and had a drink and a rest. The nurses then came into me to give me my 2nd round of chemo and I threw up loads. So they started an intravenous anti sickness drive through my new portacath. I had my chemo and then went back home. That was a mistake. I threw up all Weds night and Thursday so I called my doctor who subsequently call the hospital. The ambulance tipped up, threw up in the back of that (so atractive)got to hospital, threw up some more so they fit me with a anti sickness line and glucose - they got 3 ltrs into me Thursday nigt. I also had a pain killer line put in through a drive in my arm - I look like a pin cushion. They then discovered that I had an allergic reaction to the dressing over my portacath, made me all sore and itchy, had a reaction to the second dressing then finally found one that didnt hurt. So I slept for about 20mins at a go Thurs night, had drips in all day Friday which made me feel so much better, they took them out Fri night and I slept for about 20 hours. They were talking about blood transfusions as my haemoglobin was on the low side but I was well enough in all areas. When they took my obs about midnight I just held my arm out, blood pressure good, heart rate down from 120 bpm to 98 which is still high for me but better. I woke up this morning and actually had the motivation to get up and dressed, pack all my bits and then my sister picked me up at noon! I am still very tired but drinking lots of peppermint tea, need to keep me hydrated. Apologies for any spelling mistakes but I cannot be bothered to correct them! I am going to rest now but thanks for all your support guys xxx

Have had a really horrible week, the side effects of the chemo have really kicked in. I started being sick Thursday of the week before last, before I had my chemo, had Tuesday and Wednesday after the chemo feeling much better then started being sick again on the Thursday. All day, through the night. If I wasn't being sick I was trying to sleep. I couldn't even keep water down. Luckily, my doctor is an absolute angel and dosed me up to the eyeballs so I wasn't being sick as much - I was still sick this morning.

It's being really tough this time, if I am being tested they are doing a bloody good job of it. It's hard to remain positive when you feel literally like death. My friends are keeping me going, I am sorry that I have not been able to keep you up to date but those of you who know me know that I go to ground when I am feeling this bad. I thought I better poke my nose out of my cave to let you know why and that I am getting on with it. I will be in touch more as and when I feel better. Don't worry too much, there is nothing you can do other than what you are doing already and keeping me in your thoughts. Love you for it.

First lot of Chemo

Well I had my first lot of Vinoralbine yesterday, took them 4 goes to get the line in but it was delivered in around 10 mins then flushed through thoroughly with saline, it only started to hurt the back of my hand in the last few moments. I am hoping to get a portacath put into me so that will stop all that and make it easier for them to get my bloods too. I slept all afternoon - the heat isn't helping with that either but then woke up feeling different. I have had a pain in my right shoulder since about March and I have found out that there is a nerve that runs from my shoulder, over my diaphragm and to my liver. Now, if your liver is distended, which mine has been, it places pressure on this nerve and makes your shoulder hurt. The pain was greatly reduced in my shoulder yesterday evening and I was actually able to get comfortable in bed for the first time in months. I wasn't feeling as breathless this morning, I was actually able to have a shower without feeling as if I was going to pass out. I am still being sick, finding it hard to keep anything down but drinking Powerade until it comes out of my ears and this seems to be keeping me going. I have to say thank you to everyone who is supporting me and keeping an eye out for me, my phone has been red hot and although I may not be able to talk to you much at the moment, you guys are the ones who are keeping me going. Again. Love you all.

Seconds Away, Round Three

Well here I am again constant reader, I am sorry to have to tell you but the cancer has returned. At the moment we are not sure where as I have not had a scan yet but my blood results are all over the place and my liver is really suffering so the oncologist thinks that is the most likely place again. I am awaiting a chest x-ray to see if its there but I am not coughing and I am actually in no pain at all from my side, it just feels very heavy and full. I am not eating very much at the moment but not losing any weight so I suspect I am retaining fluid in that area. So, how do I feel in myself? Been there, done that, starting chemo on Monday and not afraid of that. I am more worried about my son, he is 11 now, I am going to tell him this evening. It's more obvious at the moment that I am ill, I look like a ghost, I cannot stand for more than 5 minutes without feeling breathless, I was sick last night. However, I have a lot of friends pulling for me, I feel totally enclosed and protected. I cried a lot on Tuesday when my GP told me but not very much since - crying doesn't achieve anything and just fuels those evil cells so keeping positive and sleeping lots. There is nothing I can do right now other than look after me and my son, rest as much as possible and get better.

New Years Eve

A day when we reflect on the year that has passed and what a year it has been - again! I so hope that 2009 will be a smoother ride for me. I think it will be. Things are clicking into place one by one like train tracks and it makes me smile when I realise what is happening. And it also makes me think, why would that be happening if the end of my journey is near. I am back on track literally. So, I raise a glass to 2008, thank you for teaching me many valuable lessons, for bringing me more friends than I have ever had, for finally bringing me the peace that I have been searching for all my life and for all the laughs I have had. It has been a hard year for many reasons but as always, what does not kill us makes us stronger. I have cried lots this year as well but I have got plenty of people around me to make me smile again. Friends and family are precious. Tell them you love them all the time, remember to hug them often - random hugs are wonderful! This is my last blog for a while, as with last year, it seems a fitting place for me to end. As always, I will drop in when I have news but for now, here's to 2009. May it bring you peace, light, love and laughter. Thank you for travelling with me.

Day 124

Woke up this morning and thought to myself, this will be the first week since August last year that I won't be having blood taken or treatment of any kind. It's a funny feeling, being out here on my own. I knew it would hit me eventually. It did not help that I was lying on my back in bed and my liver reminded me it was there as well, not pain, just a tight feeling like I have pulled a muscle there. I had pain every time in the run up to having treatment except this time I am not having any treatment. I am not going to lie to you. I am terrified that it will come back and that it will come back quickly. I am not being checked now until March but if needs be I can have chemo again in June. That seems a long way away but in relative terms its not too bad. I will just have to keep a close eye on myself. I know the signs now, know if I am feeling overly tired or if I have pain to let the doctor know. I am a little afraid to get out there and start living, of coming into contact with people in case I am not around for very much longer. I know that is a horrible thought but I have to say it. On the other hand, I am determined to lose all the weight I have put on with the chemo and get my body back. Of course I am going to consider my own mortality, I have been walking side by side with death - and life - for the last 17 months. Makes me more determined to get out there and enjoy it - once I have stopped feeling so sleepy!!

My stars for today...Remember that fear of the future is not a healthy motivator. If you are scared, work on transforming your negativity into hope and love. Wow!!! Somebody was listening to me! Hehehe.

Christmas Day

What a wonderful day, possibly the best Christmas I have ever had. No stresses from an ex husband or other family member to ruin my day, I laughed so much this morning at my son opening his presents that I had tears streaming down my cheeks, it was one of those moments that you lock away in your head and keep safe. We have had a relaxed day, happy to do our own thing and also happy to be together, we have eaten lots and relaxed together. Exactly what I needed. I am thankful for being here, I am very aware that it could have been so different if I hadn't responded to the treatment not once but twice now. I suppose its days like these that make you sit back and think, to not take things for granted. I am not only a very lucky girl but I am a very happy girl, I am loved and I love and that is what Christmas and every day is all about. Merry Christmas xxx