Woke up this morning and thought to myself, this will be the first week since August last year that I won't be having blood taken or treatment of any kind. It's a funny feeling, being out here on my own. I knew it would hit me eventually. It did not help that I was lying on my back in bed and my liver reminded me it was there as well, not pain, just a tight feeling like I have pulled a muscle there. I had pain every time in the run up to having treatment except this time I am not having any treatment. I am not going to lie to you. I am terrified that it will come back and that it will come back quickly. I am not being checked now until March but if needs be I can have chemo again in June. That seems a long way away but in relative terms its not too bad. I will just have to keep a close eye on myself. I know the signs now, know if I am feeling overly tired or if I have pain to let the doctor know. I am a little afraid to get out there and start living, of coming into contact with people in case I am not around for very much longer. I know that is a horrible thought but I have to say it. On the other hand, I am determined to lose all the weight I have put on with the chemo and get my body back. Of course I am going to consider my own mortality, I have been walking side by side with death - and life - for the last 17 months. Makes me more determined to get out there and enjoy it - once I have stopped feeling so sleepy!!
My stars for today...Remember that fear of the future is not a healthy motivator. If you are scared, work on transforming your negativity into hope and love. Wow!!! Somebody was listening to me! Hehehe.
1 comment:
you are goin to win !!!! i know it Angie xxxx ((( hugs ))))
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