Day 33

For those of you who need your daily fix.. here I am! I am currently at home with the sniffles, not feeling too bad but I don't want to make the problem worse so I am having a day at home with my blankie and some chocolate. Bliss! I went to work yesterday without my spare hair on and nobody batted an eyelid. Everyone knows at work and I feel comfortable enough not to feel conscious about the fact. One of my colleagues said it did not matter if I had hair or not I still look gorgeous. That was lovely. I have decided this year for Halloween I am going to paint my head green so that I can look like Yoda from Star Wars! One thing I wanted to tell you which I find very odd and quite unsettling now is that since I had chemo last time, when I cry, my tears are really cold. I really don't like it. I have been on eBay and I am buying lots of baker style caps - one needs a lot of caps to match her wardrobe! I am going to keep my spare hair for special occasions. Those of you who love me accept me for what I look like and I am becoming more comfortable with it too. My biggest challenge will be the first time I do the shops. People are bound to stare but hey! I am gorgeous! And it's not as if I am the only person in the world to have this. More's the pity.

Day 29

I dedicate todays entry to my dearest friend and addicted reader Bryher..you will never know how much support you have given to me over the last year or so, being able to hold your little finger in my mind when I have my chemo, just knowing I have a friend out there who really knows what I am going through because you have gone through it too.. you are my angel and if nothing else comes out of this dreadful experience..I have found you. For goodness sake next time can we both work in the same shop or something!!!!

Thanks to Bryher and the fact that I actually slept last night (bar the eating Weetabix at 3am as I woke up hungry) I have had a fabulous day. I am tired at the moment but its a healthy tired, I have not had any cramps at all today, a little pain in my liver area but I am feeling 100% better compared to earlier in the week. My scalp is covered in little spots at the moment - its the toxins coming out, that is why my head has been so sore. I have some on my chest as well but not as bad. Every day, as I lie in my bed, I think to myself.. have I had a good day? I was chatting with another friend today, she has a perma-grin - always smiling. She was almost killed in a car accident. We have the same mentality. How many of us go from day to day in the same routine just moving through the day without actually thinking. So every night as I lie in bed I say.. have I had a good day. And you know what..pretty much every night I say yes. I have laughed. I have loved my son. I have achieved something - even if its making someone smile who needed to. I have good days.

Day 28

Had those cramps again last night, its cruel, the moment I get settled and comfortable my right ankle and foot goes into spasm. I woke up this morning feeling more lethargic. However, as the day has gone on, I have been surrounded by friends, I have laughed lots and I am so very much loved. I went to collect my son from his after school club this afternoon and as I sat in the car, I thought to myself, right now, I feel about as beautiful as I can. I don't mean physically!! Inside. And the sun broke free and warmed me. I cried. I so hope that I am not going through this for nothing. I hope there is something for me the other side. But in saying that.. I think this is more about the journey than the destination. I still feel incredibly blessed. Its true, you never see more beauty than when you are suffering and you never feel more alive than when you are close to death. The leaves are changing, these warm autumn days are my favourite time of year and I am happy.

Day 27

Oh what evilness can by my body do to me now!! I went to bed last night feeling fine, not needing any pain killers.. got all comfortable and then it hit me - excruciating cramps in my feet and legs, was literally writhing around on the bed in pain. That really felt like a slap in the psyche, insult to injury. I woke up at ten to seven though and the pain had abated again. I feel more 'with it' today, able to hold a conversation. The only other thing that is getting to me at the moment is my hair or rather lack of it or I wish it would now just fall out altogether. My scalp is itchy and sore, the toxins are coming out through my scalp, my 'fluff' is falling out in buckets. It won't be long before I am as bald as a coot and then I will be able to rub my head and go aaaah!! I told my boss today that everyone will just have to put up with me looking poorlier, I cannot possibly wear spare hair at the moment it will be too painful. So flatcaps and a smile for now me thinks!

Day 26

Feeling a damn sight better today than I was yesterday, the pain in my legs (which I will tell you now was hitting 7-8) has abated down to a low 2-3, I feel like a baby giraffe a bit, like I have run a marathon, wobbly and a sense of relief in the bones. I slept much better last night, I took some fairly good pain killers and then just got as comfortable as I could. But I slept pretty much all the way through. It's incredible what pain does to your mentality. This time yesterday I was feeling very 'oh woe is me', today I feel more 'yeah come on then is that as good as you can give me?!'. Pain is a terrible thing. But sleep is a great healer. My mouth feels dry and yucky at the moment so I am drinking more which is a good thing, I have noticed that it's my organs that are protesting a bit more today - maybe they have been but the pain from my legs has been too much, my liver and my lungs feeling it a bit just now. But overall.. I feel calm, round two done, let me just brush myself off, lets start climbing that mountain.

Day 25

I have been awake for an hour now- just waiting for the medication to kick in. My ankles and wrists are killing me and I am feeling sick, so just taken some anti-sickness tablets. In fact, lots of my bones are aching, my right leg from ankle to hip, even the joints of my big toes. It has hit my legs. It is a known side effect of the Docetaxol and I was warned but right now all I can think about is this is going to get worse, I have only had 2 lots and I am already dreading the next round. I know I felt like this last time, I know I dreaded having to have the chemo but at least last time I wasn't in pain. I crept downstairs to get some money - I am on tooth fairy duty tonight for my son - and it was all I could do to get back upstairs. I am ok, not upset, just very matter of fact about this all. I can understand why people refuse to have the treatment - if I wasn't so bloody minded, determined and positive with the thought of coming out the other side...

It's now the morning - I am still in a lot of pain, mostly from my right ankle and left wrist but my mouth is hurting too. I have just emailed my dearest friend, Bryher, and I need to tell you too. I am glad that I am suffering because as you know, last time I had chemo I walked through it, it was almost as if I just had a bad cold. This time I am really experiencing what chemo is like. Last time I didn't get rid of all the cancer. You get my drift..?

Day 24

Feeling pretty pathetic at the moment.. everything seems a huge struggle. I slept better last night - I was right, it was the steroids that were keeping me awake, by taking them at lunchtime yesterday, I managed to sleep all the way through last night for 8 hours - but had to go back to bed this morning and then again this afternoon. I am ok, just feeling a bit sorry for myself. I know I am not doing this on my own constant reader and friend but I am sitting at the bottom of a huge mountain and the other side seems so far away. I know I felt like this last time - I am only feeling like this because I am feeling so totally wasted. Once I get sessions 3 & 4 under my belt I know I am on the home straight. Even thinking requires a massive amount of effort and right now I just want to close the door and get on with it. My little man is being an absolute star - I couldn't wish for a better child, he is being a real trooper and I told him as much today - I am so proud of him. Ignore the mood I am in friend.. I have no doubt it is only temporary.

Day 23

So how am I feeling today.. well right now I feel ok. But that is a recent thing. I have got pain on a much bigger scale this time - I now know where my two tumours are because oh boy are they taking a kicking. Imagine chinese burns but on the inside. Unfortunately I sleep on my right hand side so I woke up at 7am today and my right side was singing, 6/10 for pain I think - but then I can put up with a fair bit. I took my steroids after breakfast and they didn't knock me too much, managed to get two loads of washing out. I then took the second lot with my lunch because I am fairly certain that its been taking them after tea that has been disturbing my sleep - I was awake at half one this morning again. I felt dreadful all afternoon and then I finally gave in about half three - I crashed out on the sofa for around an hour.. then woke up, my tummy rumbling. I have just cooked a huge veggie stirfry, got all the washing in and washed up.. my eyes are not tired and the pain has abated somewhat in my side. The body is an incredible thing. I am listening carefully. I needed to stop.. my breathing was laboured while I rested on the sofa and now I feel just fine. I am not going to kick the backside out of me this time. I am being good.

Day 22

Well just had round two of my chemo, Docetaxol. Had a full dose today, last time I had a 3/4 dose to ensure I didn't have an allergic reaction to it. I did have the most horrible feeling for the first 5-10 minutes as it went in, felt as if I needed to get away from the stuff, my legs and my body went all restless and it was horrid but then it settled down and I think I actually dropped off for 10 minutes. I had a dreadful night last night, my legs were really achey but then I normally have a bad night before chemo. I think it wasn't helped by the fact that I took my steroids at 7pm last night after my dinner and they hadn't worn off before bedtime as I couldn't settle. The steroids weren't as bad as I thought they would be, I had a large-ish breakfast, gave myself half an hour to get ready but found myself getting breathless whilst I was in the shower. Other than that they were fine. I have just taken some more and I have to take them tomorrow as well then thats it. Right now I am feeling absolutely fine, if tired, but you would never gues that I have had chemotherapy today. I have no doubt that there may be some aching later, there was last time in my legs and back but I will deal with that as I need to. I have had incredible support as always from my friends today, so many of you are keeping an eye on me and I feel so lucky. I truly am blessed. I am going to rest up as a good girl should and let the stuff do its thing. I am not going to work next week, if nothing else, my immune system took a kicking today and above all, I am letting my body rest as it needs to repair. Taking it more steady than I did last time. The world can wait for me for a change.

Day 19

Well I have just bitten the bullet.. I have just buzz cut my own hair. It was one of those moments when you just have to get on and do it. And I know I have done the right thing because the pain in my scalp has gone. Does not stop it hurting in my heart though. It's ok, I have had a cry, must admit, feeling a little Why Me today but you know what, I think I am bloody entitled. I know everything happens for a reason and Bryher, I know that it's just a phase I have to go through and it will pass but right now it hurts. I need to tell my blog because for the rest of the world I am still smiling. It's better for me to smile than to cry - better for my body and better for my soul. But to add insult to injury I then had to empty the hoover out!! I am not alright but I will be ok as Mr BonJovi says. I can now touch my head and it doesn't hurt anymore and for that I am grateful.

Day 18

Feeling more tired again.. had a busy weekend, I drove for 3 1/2 hours to my sisters and back and then went mad in the garden yesterday afternoon in the glorious Autumn sunshine but then of course I felt whacked out last night and today. My hair is really hurting. For those of you who are female and reading this, can you imagine having your hair in permanent over tight bunchies - thats how it feels. I couldn't wash my hair this morning I had to sort of pat it with the shampoo and its falling out big time now, if I run my fingers through my hair I pull out loads. But it's actually not looking too bad. I now have a decision to make - do I persevere with the pain or do I bite the bullet and give myself a grade 4 cut all over now. What this is does is stop it hurting in bed - I am not pulling the hair then. I am disheartened by the fact that it took me so long to grow my hair last time. I would so much rather keep my own but I know it's inevitable. And hey. It's only hair. I have done this before I can do it again. Sadly, it's the only telltale that my son may pick up on and right now he still doesn't know.

Day 13

I just needed to tell you how good I am feeling.. this is the thing with this illness and the treatment, today I feel fantastic. I actually woke myself up laughing in the wee hours this morning..I dreamt I picked up a puppy and it broke wind.. I obviously found this very funny because I woke up giggling!! I slept all the way through last night from 10.15pm until when my alarm went off at 6.50am - giggling didn't stop me from going straight back to sleep! I have a bit of an ache this morning but my eyes feel so much better and I feel ok to go into work. We shall have to see how I am feeling later in the day but right now I feel fab!

Day 12

Oh I am shattered!! I woke up this morning and thought 'oh its only Tuesday'! I am so tired and its the fatigue hitting now. Having cancer of the liver makes you tired anyway.. having chemo is just the icing on the cake. That and the fact that I had a bad nights sleep on Sunday with the pain. But it's not all bad, work are making sure that I am not overdoing it as are my friends.. my friends, my wonderful friends. I am truly blessed. I feel so loved. This is the gift of cancer.. you get to realise how loved you are before you die as opposed to at your funeral. Don't panic! That's not defeatist talk.. you don't know me very well if you think I am giving up!! I am still smiling.. now that's the real me. My hair is aching.. that sounds odd I know but its the folicles on the top of my head. If I am going to lose my hair it will be soon, I am resigned to the fact. Be nice not to but hey.. small price to pay.

Day 11

The biting pain is back and with a vengeance. It woke me up this morning - I sleep on my right side so I woke up feeling very uncomfortable. In true me style though I am trying not to take pain killers - for two reasons. I like to feel the pain - it shows that something has changed since the chemo, if the ache was still the same then it would imply nothing had happened but the fact that I am having the same pain as I had in my breast last year.. that feels fantastic. Also, I don't want to take too many painkillers as I don't want to build a up a resistance to them. I will take them at bedtime tonight if I need to in order that I can get more sleep than I did last night. In myself I feel fine, if tired. Apparently I look better, more colour in my cheeks than last week. Let's just see how I go.

Day 10

Feeling worse today which is different from last time.. last time I felt better as the days went on between sessions. I woke up this morning at 7, got up for an hour and half to have breakfast and then realised I really needed to go back to bed so I did.. and slept for another 3 hours. I only woke up because of the rain outside. Initially I felt fantastic, ready to do some serious housework... right now, an hour and a half later, I feel shattered. My breathing is laboured and everything is an effort. I also have the ache back in my side. I think I know what is going on. When a tumour is attacked, its initial reaction is to throw out lots of growth chemicals - this happens as a norm and it happened to me last year. The tumour is trying to protect itself...because it has received a direct hit. So I am being a good girl and taking it easy. I am going to do the bare minimum today and rest. I am listening to my body.

Day 7

And feeling better again today... bit more tired than yesterday, I could have quite cheerfully curled up and gone to sleep this afternoon but my brain feels a lot clearer. I won't blog daily for a bit - at this point I will just bore you to tears with my 'I am tired but ok' comments but if anything changes or happens you will be the first to know. I do feel more in control this time which is a good thing for me. Still have my angels looking after me.

Day 6

What a difference a day makes, I have just finished a full day in the office! Ok, so it took me longer to clear my in-tray this morning, I had to focus on one task at a time instead of looking at everything but oh it was good to be back at my desk and tackling things, feeling more like me than a sleepy person. I feel invigorated again and more up for the fight. I had a prod over the liver area today - now it has been tender to touch around there for a while now, hence why I thought it was muscular, but today I cannot make it hurt. I prodded good and proper. Ok, I am not going to get too excited, I have done several things lately which may be contributing to this, I am not eating meat or dairy products, I am eating more fruit and veg than I can shake a sticky bat at, I am taking some super immune boosting vitamins and I am also having chemo... but no pain has got to be good. And here's to you Bryher, one year on and you have a clear MRI. I am so incredibly pleased for you, you have fought the good fight. I am so proud of you and proud to be able to call you friend. Now give me your green triangles! xxx

Day 5

I didn't manage to make it into work today, it just felt like a huge task to go in this morning. I didn't sleep terribly well last night, I had nightmares, I had the most vivid dreams with the chemo last time, I just wanted to take time out today and relax for a bit. I got some beautiful flowers, chocolates and a teddy from good friends, such a lovely surprise, one of my dearest friends called me (Hello Bryher!), she is keeping a very good eye on me, I have friends calling me and keeping in touch, making sure I am not overdoing it. It's my friends who pulled me through this last time and I know it will be my friends who get me through it this time. I do have a different attitude this time, Bryher has noticed it. Last time it was all fight and attitude and I think I was guilty of pushing myself too hard.. is that why it has come back? Who knows. So this time.. still positive but more sensible with it.. taking it easy. The world can wait while I get better.

Day 4

Feeling much more tired today, my brain is not as as bright as it is normally and little jobs like doing the shopping, the housework etc seem mountainous. I know I shouldn't be hard on myself - I have just had chemotherapy for goodness sake! I didn't wake up today until half eight and then had to have another hour in bed this afternoon. I know it's just symptomatic of the chemo so I am not worrying about it. My friends are rallying round me as the news is starting to trickle through as well. I expect I am going to go into the office for an hour or so tomorrow morning just to clear my desk and then I am going to come home and rest because this time I feel so much more tired, my body is screaming at me to rest up. And I am listening.