Day Fourteen

Saw my parents today for the first time since I have been diagnosed. My mother has mental health problems and I am worried that this is going to put her over the edge again. I told her to be brave - if I have to be, so does she. Both my parents are very religious. Dad prayed for me. If it helps them to feel useful, that is good, and to be perfectly honest, any help is gratefully received! Feeling a bit down today. I have my period and my breast is hurting a little bit more today. It's also now two months since I first found the lump. Can hear that clock ticking in my head. I am also worrying about the results from the scans. I know worrying won't change the results, but I am not sure if I can take any more bad news. Must keep my chin up. Had extra chocolate to be on the safe side!

Days Twelve and Thirteen

Definitely feeling more tired at the moment, but then I probably have overdone it over the last couple of days. Got all the school uniform sorted out on Saturday and then yesterday went to the market to get a few bits so that the little fella can go away for a couple of weeks on camp. My left arm is aching and so are some of my ribs down the left side, but that's probably because I actually find it more comfortable to sleep on my left side at the moment. I bought one of those small squishy bean bags to go to hospital with so I have something to prop me up with. My hair is looking a little better today and does not feel as dry. I walked from one end of the village to the other this morning and I felt a little breathless but not too bad at all once I sorted my breathing out. Going to rest as much as I can today. Seeing my parents tomorrow for the first time since I told them - I know my mum will cry. Told another of my very old friends yesterday, he took it really well and not only phoned me yesterday evening but phoned me again this morning to see how I was! Friends are wonderful.

Day Eleven

Had my bone scan today - nowhere near as scary as I thought it was going to be. Had 0.5ml of a radioactive injection at 11am which has no side effects other than I cannot be around small children as I am emitting gamma rays! Feel like the human torch in 'Heroes'! Went back at 1pm for the scan. I had to lie down very still whilst one machine went over me - it comes very close to your face but not so that you feel trapped. Another one moves underneath you. I figured out that it was moving when I breathed so I lay there holding my breath and then breathing very quickly! It goes up and down in time with your chest - very clever. The nurse who did my scan was very reassuring and I feel very positive. Apparently, I fall into the 'Been there, done that, got the T-shirt' type of person due to my attitude at the moment. Keep it up!

Day Ten

I think I have got to the point now where I am just fed up with talking about this lump - it seems to be the topic of every conversation and I am bored of it. This sounds really heartless, but the news is obviously trickling through and people are contacting me and wishing me well - right now, I just don't want to think about it anymore. I sound very ungrateful, don't I? I don't mean to be, but like I said, I feel like I am in the eye of a storm and everyone around me is fretting - I just have to get on with it. Don't get me wrong, I really appreciate everyones thoughts, prayers and wishes, but I am tired of living with this already. That and the fact that I have my bone scan tomorrow and I am scared of what they may find. Cried a bit today, friend suggested taking some photo's of me now for my son before I lose all my hair. It's a good idea, but just upset me a little. I am allowed to have down days. As long as they don't out number the good ones.

Day Nine

Had a bad night last night, lots of pain. Could not get comfortable. But today, no pain at all! Really odd. Going to see my hairdresser I think, get my hair cut shorter so it's easier to cope with after the operation - and there won't be so much to clog up the plughole when it does start to fall out! Have to see the lining on every cloud. I have heard that hair comes back different colours (I am not talking rainbow coloured!) - if you were brown before, you might come back blonde. At the moment, I am a sort of blonde/brown mixture - would like to come back more chestnutty! Who knows? We shall just have to wait and see! Drinking lots of pomegranate juice and soya milk (it's not too bad!) and eating tomatoes and dark chocolate. My work is being fab about my time off - they are going to let me manage myself i.e. come in when I can which is wonderful. Had lots of cuddles today which made me feel so much better, need my cuddles. Lucky me.

Day Eight

Got my appointment through for the operation - August 9th, so two weeks away. Mixed feelings, part of me wishes it could be sooner, part of me is scared. In a little bit of pain today, didn't wear a bra to work as I find them uncomfortable but not had any support in that department! Quite liberating though! Had a long talk with one of my girlfriends at work, she is keeping a very good eye on me and she understands what I am going through which is a huge help. Another good friend is living with this as a time bomb - her mother has had it and survived, her aunt died. Friends are all rallying around. Am feeling cold today and my hair is starting too look out of condition, it's not shiny any more and feels dry. If I was a labrador, I'm sure my nose would be dry! Still eating properly - with lots of chocolate on the side!

Day Seven

Have just spent about £20 on dark chocolate - if it makes Harry Potter feel better after an attack by the dementors, it has to make me feel better too. That is my theory and I am sticking with it. Work has been rallying around, they are going to try and make it possible for me to work at home. Had to tell another friend the bad news today - that is the worst part about being poorly. Off to see the doctor in a bit, ibuprofen not tackling the pain too well. Saying that, I woke up this morning with no pain at all. Did not want to move a muscle, it was wonderful. Talking about wigs today with the girls, they all found the idea really exciting! My best pal is going to come with me to choose one - bet it will be a real giggle! Stocked up the fridge with pomegranate juce and soya milk - get that immune system going. My left ear is a little sore today, reason for seeing doctor as well. The last thing I want is not to be able to have the op as I have an ear infection. That really would be the last straw I think!

Day Six

Ok, not the good news I was hoping for, it has spread to the lymph glands in my left armpit. But what this does mean is that they are going to unleash the works on me - chemotherapy, radiotherapy and more drugs than you can shake a sticky bat at. Now I know what I am dealing with, I feel calmer. Upsides, not having to shave my legs for six months, being able to look ravishing in a gypsy style wrap with large hoop earrings. Work were wonderful - found flowers on my desk which made me cry. When I said I was going to lose my hair, one of friends who is a little follicley challenged said that I could not be the resident baldy and that he was going to shave his head. My other friend then said that he would shave his head too and that everyone should do it in support, and my boss said that when I was having the operation, I should be careful not to get the broom removed from my backside!! I am still incredibly positive - we have caught this early, I am young and healthy and this angel is not ready to go back home yet!!

Day Five

Pain under arm is still giving me grief- it's the muscles that are hurting after being pulled around a bit. I find if I do too much, it hurts more so I am trying to rest as much as possible. Easier said than done when you have the E.U. washing mountain! Am starting to feel anxious about tomorrow - getting the results of the other biopsy. Actually, anxious is probably too light, am feeling scared. This is when I will find out if it has spread to the lymph nodes, which means a harder fight. I am not scared to do the fighting, I am up for it. Having a good laugh does make things a lot easier - went out yesterday evening with my best pal and my sister to watch Die Hard 4.0 - fantastic film. We had a really good giggle afterwards and I slept much better last night. Laughter really is the best medicine!

Day Four

That is it. I am not going to cry anymore. From this day on, I am going to be positive and hopeful. I have done my three days of wallowing in self pity and I am not going to allow myself any more. Got my appointment through for my bone scan - July 28th. I have to go to the Nuclear Medicine department! Isn't that a fab title? I have to have a radioactive injection. Maybe I will turn out like Spiderman! Certainly make the school run a lot easier!

Day Three

Slept much better last night and I am nowhere near as sore as I was yesterday - I am obviously a quick healer! Have decided not to wear my watch anymore - I have an allergy to non-base metals and I don't want to irritate the situation. Have been wondering about how I have got this nuisance - was it wearing a watch that provoked a reaction, eating too many grapefruit, wearing deodorant or man made synthetics - the list could be endless. I guess I will never know. All I can do now is prepare my body as best as I can to fight this thing. Got my appointment through for my CT scan - August 2nd. It seems so far away but it's only 2 weeks.

Day Two

Well, another emotional day. Some tears but there were lots of laughs too. Went to work this morning and broke the news to my friends there - they were fabulous. I said about maybe having a bigger bust next time, and I was told that I would attract a whole different kind of man if I did that! My boss told me that his wife has had cancer twice and she is still around, which made me feel a lot better. I feel surrounded by people who love me and I feel so lucky - "If you don't get better, I will be really pi**ed off." So, I'd better get better! Spoke to my sister on the phone, she was upset at work today. I feel like the eye of a storm, everyone around me is worrying, I just have to get on with the job in hand. My left arm is aching today from the biopsy they took from my lymph nodes yesterday, and I feel a little tired, but I did not sleep terribly well last night, so that was expected. I feel a lot calmer today and focused on the task ahead. Positive thinking!

Day One

Today I found out I have breast cancer. When you write it down like that, it seems scary enough, but that is nothing compared to how I am feeling right now. I am a huge bundle of emotions. I am scared, obviously, but what of? Not the operation. I want that as soon as possible. I am scared that I have come to the end of my journey, and that my time has come. At the moment, I am waiting on more test results - they took a biopsy today of the lymph nodes in my left armpit - the cancer is in my left breast. My treatment will be determined upon the results of these tests. All I know right now is that I am going to lose my left breast. Temporarily. See now, here is where I come in. I am surrounded by friends who love me, a fantastic medical team, and my response to reconstruction? Can you make me a size bigger this time. So, what other emotions am I feeling? I am glad they are taking the whole breast away - although at the moment I am fairly attached to it, it has now rebelled against me and must be disciplined accordingly. I am worried about leaving my son - he is only nine at the moment, but I am confident that I have given him a good start in his life and that he will turn into a wonderful man, with or without me. Hopefully with. This blog is not going to be the rantings of a terrified woman - it very easily could be. I am a fighter, and I accept the challenge. I will keep you updated every step of the way.