Day 136

I have done it!!! I have had my last round of chemo. Thank goodness for that. I am feeling ok, managed to have a little celebration boogie as I walked out of the hospital. This round was harder to swallow if you like but I have done it. Have just had a bit of a blub, relief I think that it's all over. I am going to have a sleep now, rest up, let the magic potions do their job. They have also got me participating in a clinical survey because of my age, trying to see if there is any genetic reason as to why I got this. Well, apart from a great aunt on my mother's side who smoked like a trooper and then got lung cancer, I am it. I don't think there is a genetic link, I was just unlucky. Or lucky, depending on your perspective and you all know what mine is!

Day 135

I am feeling totally shattered but considering I have just done six hours in the office, dragged myself around Morrison's and just pulled in and put away all the shopping, I think that is totally allowed! I slept like a baby last night, nine hours straight through. I think that was the result of yesterday's news, I am feeling more relaxed about my condition but I am not going to become complacent, still eating healthily. I am going to try and do more exercise once I am feeling less tired too. I have put a stone on since August when I started chemo. That is quite common and expected. That is a combination of steroids, eating what I am able to and possibly a little of it is down to a tiny bit of chocolate that I may have eaten! Hey, I think I am allowed to have a treat once in a while. I am not going to be at work now until the 10th December which incidentally is when my decree absolute comes through for my divorce! I am going to have a lot to celebrate this Christmas! Last chemo tomorrow - hurrah!

Day 134

Well, I had my oncology appointment today. I walked into the hospital and was asked by a another patient if I worked there - guess that means I don't look like a patient! I had a look at my blood marker graph - it has come down so far now I am now categorised as 'normal'. The first time I have been called normal for a while. I asked about my hair growing back, that too is normal. I asked about my monthly functions being erratic. Not only is that normal, it also means I am still fertile. Although I don't want any more children, it will certainly help when I am older. The doctor had a check of my breast, he could not find the lump either, thinks my breast looks normal. GUESS WHAT?! I am NORMAL!!!!! Hurrah!!! I don't need the operation, I don't need radiotherapy and I don't need to see my oncologist until April! All I need now is to have a good echo examination on Monday and I have green light go for Herceptin. Keep your fingers crossed for me. I have come a long way since the 18th July, I feel like I am coming down the other side of the hill now. I could not have done this without all the incredible support I have received and some very special people. You have helped me remain positive through all of this and my divorce - I am still smiling! I have said it before, no doubt I will say it again - I am a very lucky girl. Thank you. You will never know how much you mean to me - but I think you have a good idea!

Day 133

Managed to do a full day at work today - it's amazing what a good night's sleep can do for you! I am starting to get a little nervous about my oncology appointment tomorrow, I really don't know what to expect. Considering this is only the third time I have seen my oncologist, the last time was after only two rounds of chemo but I have spoken to him a couple of times in between. Also having bloods taken tomorrow. I don't know if they have to take blood before I have Herceptin, so tomorrow could be the last time for a while that I have that done. I have noticed I have a little ridge running over my left wrist where my vein is, the one that I had chemo through four times. My wrist is nowhere near as painful as it used to be or swollen but I still can't stretch my arm out all the way. That will come with time, I am sure. I found out today what palleative care means. It does not mean that I can't be cured, it means that I am being treated with medicine instead of surgery, it's an umbrella term used to cover medicine care. My hair is really growing now, I can actually pull it a bit at the back -and it does not come out!! I am getting better. I had the radio on at work today and I really wanted to boogie!

Day 132

As predicted, this week is leaving me feeling tired already. Such a difference from last week! BUT! Determined not to let it get me down, feeling ok. Considering I have been awake since 2.30am, not doing too badly at all! I should be fast asleep now, but I am wide awake and talking to you, happy to be here. I am starting to plan for Christmas now, looking forward to Christmas Eve. It's my favourite day of the year, full of magic and I love being tucked away for the day. Traditionally, it has been the day for my annual haircut! I usually have my hair permed on Christmas Eve, for two reasons. It is usually the furthest day from going back to work with scary hair and it also keeps me out of shops, stopping me from last minute panic buying. WELL! Don't have to do that this year, do I?! I can panic buy to my hearts content. Just think of the money I am saving on perms, colours and specialist anti scary shampoos! Instead, I am going to save it up and treat myself to a pamper day I think once this is all over. Watched 'White Diamond' last night, Kylie Minougue's documentary about her return to concerts after beating breast cancer. She is a one woman dynamo and an inspiration to us all. Now if she can do a concert to 10,000 people after her diagnosis, there is going to be no stopping me!

Day 131

Slept much better last night, slept all the way through for about seven hours then topped up with another two, so feeling a lot better today. Only five more days to go until my last chemo, this time next week I know I will be feeling fairly revolting but I am not complaining. It would be a different story if the chemo hadn't worked, that would be awful, to go through that for nothing. I can understand now why some people refuse the chemo. I have been on the Macmillan website again, there was a comment posted by a lady who has the same type of cancer as me who was feeling very frightened as she did not know anybody with it. It was really good to be able to reassure her, to let her know that it is possible to come out the other side of this still feeling very positive. She also agreed with me that she knew what I meant by feeling lucky to be loved. That feels wonderful. A special thank you to my friend in Holland who sent me some very good words of encouragement this morning, made me feel a lot better. That and lots of cuddles and laughs this afternoon have gone a long way to making my day special. I have been feeling a little down over the last few days, feeling much better now. I have my ridiculous grin back on!

Day 130

Feeling very tired today, slept really badly last night. Woke up far too early this morning! It's also well past my bedtime now so I am going to bid you good night and hope for a good night's sleep tonight. Hope you all had a good day.

Day 129

Resting today, curled up under my blanket this afternoon on the sofa and fell asleep. I slept all the way through last night without a sleeping tablet too so again, all positive. The other thing I have noticed is that I smell like me again - in the first stages of having chemo, my skin smelled really different, not like me at all. Although I do feel a little tired today, considering I have done a full week, I am feeling fine. I want to see my scan images next Wednesday, my before and afters. I could not bring myself to look at the original scan, it would have meant seeing it was real. Now, I can't wait to see how the cancer has died, so my attitiude towards that has changed too, for the better I think.

Day 128

I have done it! I have worked a full week! I have Friday's off so officially, I worked a full week this week. I have not been able to do that for ages. Feeling a little bit tired but nothing I can't cope with. I have the weekend now to top up the old batteries. It will be interesting to see how I do next week. For the last few sessions, the week before chemo has been my worst week, when I have felt the most tired. We shall see. I am actually looking forward to my last session. I have a busy week at the hospital next week, I have to have bloods taken on the Wednesday first thing, then I have an appointment with my oncologist, chemo on Friday and then I have an EEG booked in for the following Monday, to check my heart is ok to take Herceptin. Fingers crossed. Somebody reading this said that she thought having cancer was just a hiccup in her life - what a fantastic attitude! That is exactly how I feel too. Now I just have to get rid of the hiccups!

Day 127

Guess what?! Another full day in the office and I am feeling brilliant. A friend pointed out to me that this is the first time after chemo that I have come back to work after my ex has moved out. I am not using energy on being stressed at home, I am relaxed and happy and look at the difference! I was dancing in the office this afternoon! All the stress has gone and I am feeling wonderful. I spoke to a few people today who I have not spoken to in a little while, to be told how nice it is to hear my voice was truly lovely. The only thing I am worried about now is overfacing people with my enthusiasm for life! I feel so alive and it feels incredible. Now I know the real meaning to being high on life!

Day 126

Managed another full day at work! I am on a roll! I was on my own in the office for most of the day but I enjoyed myself. It was very satisfying to be able to go through my in-tray, tackling and completing each task. The difference today though was that I left the office this evening having left myself a task for tomorrow, something the old me would never have done. Before, I would have pushed myself to clear my desk before the end of the day. I think I have a much healthier attitude to my work load now. If I was to say I am feeling more and more like the old me, that would not be quite right. I am the old me with upgrades! The result is that I am not over tired but I know I will sleep tonight - I managed last night without a tablet, I strongly suspect I will do the same tonight. I feel fab!

Day 125

Feeling brilliant, had a really good day at work, so good to be back among my friends. I managed to do a full day and I did not start to get tired until nearly 4pm, which I think is fair, most people start to get tired at the end of the working day. I am not too tired now either, feeling more and more like I am becoming match fit again. I feel now is the time to tell you the reason why my perspective on life has changed so much. I always used to be a bit of a hippy chick, enjoying the beauty of nature and I have always valued my friends and family. I now know I will never, ever take anything for granted again. This is hard for me to tell you, and some of you will find this hard to hear, but the reason I feel so alive is because I had prepared myself for dying. I had made peace with the fact that I may not survive this and the only thing that really broke my heart was the thought that I would have to leave you, to leave behind the people I love so much and to miss out on all the fun! Now you can understand why I see so much beauty in everything around me, why right now I feel as if I have finally found myself. When I was told that the chemo was working, the reason I cried was because although I had made peace, it made me realise how much I wanted to live, to be with the ones I love for as long as I can. Thank you for loving me back.

Day 124

Slept much better last night, think my body just gave in. I am really feeling the cold at the moment, it's surprising how much your hair keeps you warm! Still not needed a nap which is a good sign that I am getting better. I have rested up properly this time, made a huge difference to how I am feeling.

Day 123

Feeling very tired today, did not sleep at all well last night. I have tablets to help me counteract the sickness which also help me sleep. I do not like to take them once the nausea has worn off, tried to sleep without one last night but had to give in at 1am to take one. I was then awake at 6am, so hardly surprising I am feeling tired. It's half four at the moment and I could quite cheerfully crawl under my duvet!

Day 122

Woke up at half four this morning, had a poke of the lump and guess what - I can't find it! I know where it was yesterday, it appears to have melted! I kept poking in different directions, still nothing! Could not get back to sleep then but I am not too tired now, in fact, I have not felt the need for a nap all week. I cleaned the house from top to bottom today, taking it steady. I also had to visit the dentist today, she said my mouth has not suffered with the chemo at all - it can make the soft tissue in your mouth dry and sore. Fortunately, I have not suffered from this at all. I feel the need to pinch myself, I have lived with this lump for so long now. Was treated to the most spectacular sunset this evening, poetic symmetry. What was really good though was telling the man I love that I can't feel the lump anymore - his reaction was better than mine!

Day 121

Woke up this morning feeling a lot better, not feeling nauseous. I had a poke of the lump and dare I say it, it feels half the size it was last week! I must admit, I was getting a little worried last week as it had not appeared to have shrunk that much after the fourth round of chemo. I have had more pain this time, it seems to correlate with shrinkage. I am guessing the lump is about 2-3mm across, getting more and more difficult to find it now. It is certainly not as raised as it used to be or as deep. I felt different this morning too, feel as if I am healing. It would appear that having lots of rest has done the trick, instead of going back into work straight away. I have not had any cravings at all this time, I am just eating loads of vegetables which I do anyway. Still keeping my fingers crossed though!

Day 120

Feeling a little bit better today, resting up certainly the only option at the moment. I am better than yesterday, hopefully tomorrow I will be feeling better than today. Not feeling as sick but could quite cheerfully go into hibernation! Feeling the cold now as well - thinking of carpeting my head to keep it warm! Mmm, could start a new trend in ear carpets! Letting my body rest. My left breast is very painful at the moment, not felt pain like this since my first round of chemo. Had a little poke of the lump, it's hard to tell if anything is going on as yet, will wait until things have settled down a little before I can see if any progress is being made. Fingers crossed.

Day 119

Feeling a bit sorry for myself today, have not managed to go far from the sofa today. I was poorly this morning for the first time, not bad considering it has taken five rounds of chemo to do this to me! I am going to have a warm bath tonight and snuggle down under my duvet. Still feeling positive within myself, I had the most beautiful message from a friend in Holland, made me feel very humble. The sky tonight was beautiful, new moon and the sky looked like folds of velvet. Reminds me of my favourite poem:-

He wishes for the cloths of heaven

Had I the heavens' embroidered cloths,
Enwrought with golden and silver light,
The blue and the dim and the dark cloths
Of night and light and the half-light,
I would spread the cloths under your feet:
But I, being poor, have only my dreams;
I have spread my dreams under your feet;
Tread softly, because you tread on my dreams.
-- William Butler Yeats

Day 118

Feeling very queasy today, probably the most sickly I have felt yet. Also feeling intermittently hot and cold, so taking it easy. I find very plain food seems to help, as soon as I have something even vaguely exciting like salad cream, it makes me feel sick, so going to stick to simple things. Just a short entry today, very tired.

Day 117

Rememberance Day - I am dedicating my blog today in the memory of all those brave men and women who have fought and lost their lives, for their belief that they are fighting to make this world a better place for people like me to live in. I watched the film 'Sunshine' in April, before I was diagnosed with cancer. It is a film about a crew of men and women who are sent into space to reignite our dying sun. I did not really get it at the time. I watched it again last weekend and it blew me away. It is about the strength of the human spirit, the need to ensure that the world that we live in survives and is a safe place for our children to grow up in. Although I am fighting my own personal fight with this illness, I do not feel brave, although I have been called brave. I feel lucky. I have discovered how incredible the human spirit can be, how strong we are and how utterly breathtaking the world is that we live in. I only wish that we could all live in harmony, so that no more lives have to be lost in the name of war. I will never forget.

Day 116

Not taking the steroids so feeling a little bit more queasy than I have done in the past, but popping the anti-sickness tablets seems to be working. I have had a lovely message from a lady in Holland via this blog - hello Bryher! I have tried to take it easy today but I have still managed to do a little light decorating. I have noticed my cheeks are really rosy red today, looking like the Ready Brek kid again! Bryher, if you wanted to raise funds for a charity, I would like to raise funds for the Big C centre in Norwich. They provide a sanctuary and invaluable services for people like you and me. I wish that you were as lucky as me in having such a facility - or perhaps you could raise money to create your own? They provide alternative therapies such as massage, reflexology, spare hair and pampering sessions, as well as support and access to other groups. A wonderful service that I am blessed to have. I am going to take it easy over the next few days, feeling kitten like again - and I don't mean cute and fluffy. Well, maybe!

Day 115

Round five of chemo done and dusted. They had problems finding a good vein this time - the one I have been having it through the last four times has collapsed, which would explain why my arm has been so painful. I had four canulas in me at one point, trying to get one that works! Did have a bit of a cry this time, just got emotional from being a pincushion, having the chemo - it makes me shudder at the memory of it now and the fall out of quite a stressful week. I am allowed to have a little cry, it does make you feel better! And so does shopping afterwards and buying something for me for a change, I think I deserve a treat! I am going to have a sleep now, let the medicine do it's job. Oh, and my liver and kidney functions are....normal!

Day 114

An extremely busy day at work, quite stressful but when I got out of the office, I was smiling. It was good to be thinking about something other than having chemo tomorrow. I was doing what I love best, helping people and keeping the office on track. I did not do it on my own, it is good being part of a team that works so well together. It was also lovely when a member of that team phoned me up on their rest day just to see how I was doing as we have not seen each other all week. Feeling extremely tired but satisfied that I have done a good days work.

Day 113

Another busy day, I have been awake since 4.30am today, no wonder I am feeling so tired. Not looking forward to Friday, the thought of having chemo is starting to make me feel sick. I had bloods taken again today in preparation, it does not hurt at all now. I want to know what my markers are doing, if they have come down again. Feeling very well in myself, been busy tidying again. He has taken all the rest of his belongings, my home is finally a safe haven. I am guilty of dancing around the kitchen this evening!

Day 112

Very tired today, but then I have been fairly manic trying to get my house back to normal. I must learn, as I have been told, not to pull too much on my reserves. Slept all the way through last night for about nine hours but could do with going to bed now! Looking forward to going back to work tomorrow, seeing my friends. I have had to pull on them quite a bit over the last couple of days - so glad I have them.

Day 110 & 111

I was so tired last night I forgot to write to you, sorry! I have had a very busy two days getting my house back to normal. I still have a long way to go but I am feeling driven, I want to stamp my mark on my house. I was thinking this morning about what the doctor said about the patient being the best way of telling of their progress. I have no pain in the liver area now at all, my breast is nowhere near as painful as it used to be, my arm is feeling better although I still cannot stretch it out straight and I am looking more and more like a fluffy duck in the hair department. I am feeling really well, if a little tired. At the moment, I am stripping wallpaper! I think I will sleep well tonight, make up for my lack of sleep over the last few days.

Day 109

I am feeling totally shattered at the moment but very happy - he has finally moved out! Feel like my life is moving in the right direction in both camps. I could not have done this without all the support I have received from my friends, they have all been fabulous and I know how lucky I am to have them. I made several phone calls to family and friends today and not one of them let me down. Thank you.

Day 108

Feeling tired again today but then I have been very busy packing boxes and running up and down stairs all day. I am a little concerned about my current condition - my 'monthly function' has been around for two weeks now - I am sure it has something to do with the fact that it came the same day as my last chemo and my body is just mixed up. That and the fact that my hormone levels have dropped. Might give the doctor a ring next week if it's not gone away. This time next week I will have had round five of my chemo. The weeks are whizzing past so quickly. I just want to get it over and done with now.

Day 107

Today is the Celtic New Year and it seems very apt. I feel as if I am starting again in many ways. I was driving to work this morning and everything looked so beautiful, the sun was shining through the autumn leaves and everything looked as if it had been washed, the colours were all so vivid. I feel as if I am looking at the world through new eyes and it is mind blowing. I sent a joke to my boss the other day, with the tag - this made me giggle. His response? Everything makes you giggle! I feel so happy, lucky and alive. I know I have still got a long way to go, but I am feeling so positive. I have just been in to see my friend who told me that someone is watching over me to tell her the good news- her husband is the one who predicted I would go through somehting major when I was 34. She let me have the most beautiful citrine necklace - citrine is believed to have healing properties and rids the body of toxins. I took one look at it and she said I had to have it. I can feel it hot on my chest now but the stone is cold. Thank you - you said today I have made your year with my news - now I have a radiant stone to go with my smile!