Day Seventy Five

Feeling not too bad at all at the moment, apart from a very sore left hand where the chemo goes in. It feels like I have banged it really hard. I am actually a little bit worried as to how good I am feeling. I know chemo affects everybody differently, some people don't lose their hair, some people just get tired, but I am feeling almost perfectly ok. A little bit nauseous maybe but the tablets are controlling that well. I don't think I am going to be able to relax until I have had the MRI done. I did sleep lots last night, bed at half nine, woke up at half five, pottered about for a bit then back to bed, didn't wake up again until half ten. That was lovely. So maybe I am justified in feeling alright. I almost feel guilty, that I should be feeling this good. I know! I shouldn't be complaining, but it's the psychology of the thing. You are told you are going to feel disgusting, that is how you know the chemo is working, and when you don't....well, we shall just have to wait and see. No point in worrying about it. Deep down, I think I am just built of stronger stuff, able to withstand it a little bit more than some. A force to be reckoned with!

Day Seventy Four

Managing the nausea to perfection now. If I start to feel sick, I have two of my tablets then a huge feed, I don't even have any indigestion at the moment which I usually get with the steroids. There are now visible signs that my body is responding to the treatment - my left nipple, which had virtually sunk right into my breast, the biggest give away that all was not right, is now back and standing proud! My hair is growing back already, my bald patches have stubble - hope you like brunette this time guys! I did some research this morning about stopping menstruating, what happens with chemo. One report says that because I am under 35, even if I do stop, the chances are that I will restart and not be infertile. Ok, so I don't want any more kids, but I also don't want early onset osteoporosis which can occur with early menopause. I have not stopped my periods, in fact, I am back to normal. If these are signs that my body is healing, I am feeling pretty proud of my body right now, feeling quite invincible! I hope this is my body getting back to normal. I am worried about the MRI. Up until now, all the signs have been outward ones. I hope the inside one are just as good. The chemo is not knocking me at all hardly, which is another worry. I feel as if I should be being as sick as a dog right now, but if I think logically, I am young, horribly healthy and I am eating well and taking lots of vitamins, perhaps I am just looking after myself properly. I am feeling strong and ready to finish this off.

Day Seventy Three

Successfully completed round three of chemo. It hurt a lot more this time, the vein is getting tired. I will have to have it another vein next time. Feeling tired but basically ok right now. There was another lady there - it's her 72nd birthday tomorrow- she had a routine operation to take her tonsils out and when they removed them, they found she had cancerous cells. Like I say, everything happens for a reason. She has had radiotherapy on her throat and the poor love could not eat anything. However, she also has not lost her eyebrows or eyelashes through chemotherapy so perhaps I am not so unusual and I don't need to worry that the chemo isn't working as well as it should be. I am going to take my knock out tablet soon and get lots of sleep. I have a funny feeling this round is going to knock me a bit more, but that is ok. I can live with that. Only three more to go. I am going to listen to my body and slow down a little, let the medicine work its magic. No pain as yet, but early days. Oh yes, my father has set up a direct debit to make monthly payments to Cancer Research UK. When I told him how much the Herceptin cost, £20k a year to keep me alive, he said I was like the Loreal advert - I am worth it. He did then go on to say that it was nice to see his taxes being used on a worth while cause. Thanks Dad xx

Day Seventy Two

Feeling much better today, nowhere near as tired as I was yesterday. Blood results were ok, no problem so all systems go for tomorrow. I asked the nurse when my appointment was for my MRI scan, just as well I did, there was no record of a request being made. Oops! Hopefully that will be sorted out within the next couple of weeks as I am supposed to have it before my fourth round of chemo. Looking forward to that, I am really interested to see what my insides look like! Wore my spare, spare hair today, the one that looks like my old hair and felt really good. It's so nice to be able to comb my hair while it's on my head! How many people can check to see what their hair looks like from the back by taking their hair off! Friends are saying that I am looking really good. I am a little bit worried. I did expect to feel a lot worse. I have a funny feeling I may regret that last statement tomorrow after having the next round! I have chicken soup and chocolate at the ready!

Day Seventy One

Feeling absolutely shattered today. I went to bed at half seven last night, slept dead through until half three, awake for about an hour then slept through until half six. Had blood taken at the doctors to check my white cell count then into work for half nine - I had to leave at half one. All the way home all I was thinking about was getting into my bed. I then slept from about two until half four. I got up then because I thought I would not sleep tonight, but you know what? I strongly suspect that I could sleep around the clock at the moment. I have pain in my liver area which as far as I'm concerned, is a good thing. I have had pain in my breast and armpit area and the lumps have diminished there, so logic says, where there is pain, there is shrinkage! I really hope so. For those of you who have been saying that I am looking too well to be getting well, the signs of battle are finally starting to show. No wonder I am tired, I am putting up a very good fight at the moment!

Day Seventy

Feeling a bit better today cough and cold-wise, but very tired. Sleeping like the dead at the moment which is not a bad thing, but I just can't seem to get enough sleep. I would love to go to bed about half seven, that's how tired I am, but if I do that, I wake up at 2am and then I am awake until about 5am. I find if I manage to stay awake until about ten, I then sleep through until about half five, sixish which is more bearable. I don't remember turning my bedside light off, I think I am asleep before my head hits the pillow! Apart from that, I am feeling generally ok. My left wrist is a bit sore, has been since the last round of chemo but that could be something else, have had on and off pain in that area for ages now. I still don't feel as poorly as I probably should, but then I don't 'do' poorly, just get on with it. As long as I listen to my body and slow down a little, I think I am doing ok. Having lots of cuddles certainly helps!

Day Sixty Nine

Woke up this morning and the cold that has been threatening for the last couple of days has finally arrived, with a little cough on top. Feeling not too bad but had the day off work today. The problem I now face is that on Wednesday I am having blood taken in order to ascertain what my white blood cell count is. I am at risk of infection at the moment and if my white count is too low, I cannot have the chemotherapy. And I want my chemotherapy. So I need to avoid coughs and sneezes to a certain degree. My friend from work actually phoned me up this morning to tell me that she had a sore throat - she was worried about being around me, bless her. Fortunately (or unfortunately, depending on your perspective!) I had already let work know I was not going in - so she was ok to! Sorry sweetie! I am not too worried about having the blood taken, there is nothing I can do about it. I either get my treatment on Friday or I don't, simple as that. Fingers crossed that I will be ok.

Day Sixty Eight

Feeling not too bad today, managed to sleep all the way through but I do think my body kind of gave up last night and said 'Enough! You are going to rest!'. Had a really lovely day today, a nice, lazy Sunday with excellent company and even had pudding after dinner, sorry, lunch! I know how to live dangerously! You can never have too much pudding. Recharged my batteries a little but am still going to take it steady - I have my instructions. It's difficult to slow down when you don't feel poorly, but I am still listening to my body. I am not going to push myself, I promise.

Day Sixty Seven

Very brief message today, just got in from a day trip to London so feeling totally exhausted but then I have been up since half four this morning, it is now 10pm so I think anyone would be feeling a bit jiggered now! Speak to you more tomorrow.

Day Sixty Six

Feeling fine today, considering it's the end of the week. This time next week I will have had round three of my chemo - half way there! The weeks seem to be whizzing by at the moment. I have more spare hair and this time it looks more like me. It's lovely. Actually wanted to keep this one on. The spare hair makes my head quite itchy by the end of the day, can't wait to take it off, like your shoes at the end of the day, or if you have a bra that's just a tiny bit too tight. Another thing I have noticed is that I seem to smell different! I mean my skin, not my nose! Just another excuse to have lots of lovely warm baths. It's funny, I used to have baths all the time but when I was diagnosed, I stopped. I think I didn't want to look down at my chest. Since I have been told it's shrinking, I have started having baths again. Daft, I know!

Day Sixty Five

Slept much better last night and feel fabulous today - my eyes are nowhere near as tired as they were yesterday, feel much better, more like me again. The love of a good man and Bon Jovi on my stereo, life just does not get much better than this! Happy girl!

Day Sixty Four

Feeling really tired today and have some discomfort in my liver area - a good sign I hope. Could not drag myself away from the office today, having too much of a giggle! Wore my new spare hair today, boys not sure about it, the girls loved it! I am about to go on eBay and have a look for another one. I prefer curls, feel more like me. Had a call from our Occupational Therapy dept today, asking if they could do anything to help. I was happy to tell them that I am tickety boo, that everything had already been sorted out already. It's good to know that they are there to help if I need them.

Day Sixty Three

Still feeling really tired - I had this last time. It's not my brain that's tired, it's my eyes. I feel as if I have been awake for 24 hours solid but my brain does not want to go to sleep. Feeling cold too which I usually do if I am tired. Autumn is really here now, good job I have new hair from eBay to keep my ears warm! I can have a different hairstyle every month for less than the cost of a haircut!

Day Sixty Two

Feeling really tired today. Had the first of my complementary therapies today. The hospital where I am having my treatment really believes in looking after you throughout your treatment. They supplied me with my spare hair and I also receive four treatments from an aromatherapist, so either massage or reflexology. I had a face and head massage today. It was really, really lovely. I have not had a facial for about fourteen years, so a real treat for me. I almost totally relaxed - those of you who really know me know that relax is not a word in my vocabulary! I felt disembodied, like my head was free floating and at one point I felt as if I was on a beach with a glorious sunset, then in that sunset. It was really different! I might try the reflexology next time, see what strange effect that has on me!

Day Sixty One

Still feeling good, if a little tired. The sick feeling has totally disappeared, I just have to watch out now for lurgies (another technical term). My parents came over today, Mum was shocked when I took off my hair but Dad took it really well. Apparently now I look like an evil mastermind out of James Bond. Mmmm. Mum is handling it ok most of the time, she is fretting a bit but it's her job. My friend found a strange mark on my head last night - no, it wasn't 666, but I am a bit worried about it. It looks like a brown polo mint for want of a better description. It may be a reaction to the chemo, I don't know, so I am going to get it checked out by the doctor as soon as possible. Wouldn't that be typical, the reason that I have had to go through all this is not because I have breast cancer but skin cancer and the only way for me to find out was to lose my hair! Oh dear! In danger of becoming paranoid here!

Day Sixty

Well, another first for me today already! I have just wet shaved my own head! I feel so much better now. The hair that was left behind was getting very tufty and it was rubbing inside my spare hair, so I took the shaving foam and razor to my head and now I am nearly as smooth as a baby's bottom! It feels really nice, smothered my scalp in moisturiser and now I am nice and smood. Smood is a technical term. When I was a little girl, I used to stroke my daddy's face after he had shaved and I would say 'Smood' one way and 'Not smood' the other. That's about as cute as I get! And I have just discovered wigs on e-Bay! I think I am going to keep my head bald and just buy loads of wigs! Really excited, the possibilities are endless, how many people can change their hair colour and style to go with their outfit?!

Day Fifty Nine

Really good day today, feeling more like myself. Pain has increased in the lump and there is a definite itching feeling now, like when something is healing. My doctor called, they are going to keep me on the chemo regime that I am on now - if it's working, don't mess with it. They will then start me on Herceptin in capsule form once that has finished. I am happy with this decision, the chemo is working so let it continue doing it's job. I have given you some music to listen to. The first track by Take That really sums up how I feel, about how this experience has shown me how wonderful people are and how lucky we are. The second track by Bon Jovi always makes me feel better and is along a similar line to the Take That track, and Bon Jovi really have kept my spirits up through this entire experience - thank goodness for rock and roll! The third track by Linkin Park really hit me hard when I heard it. I am a better person for this experience I hope. I am happier with me, I feel calmer and more self assured than I ever have and I have got what I asked for. I am protected and safe.

Day Fifty Eight

It was really good today to be able to tell people some good news for a change! I didn't sleep much last night, I was too excited! Makes a nice change. I had a check this morning in the shower, the lump has definitely shrunk - it is actually visibly smaller now and things are looking more how they should. I thought it had but you are too scared to think it in case you are wrong. Had a look at Herceptin on the interweb - some of those sites are really scary. Apparently I am one of only approximately 20% of breast cancer sufferers who are able to have this drug. It increases survival rates by an amazing amount. The type of cancer that I have is a nasty one, that explains why it has spread so quickly, but with this drug, I have better survival rates. I have said it before, and no doubt I will say it again, aren't I a lucky girl.

Day Fifty Seven

What a difference a day makes! Just got back from hospital and seeing my oncologist. The news couldn't be better. He examined me and said that my lump is now only 1cm big - it has shrunk by a third after two treatments! I can have Herceptin, which will be my maintenance drug for, as the good doctor put it, many years to come. And the chances are that I won't need to have the mastectomy. What a turn of events! He has another lady who is very similar to me who's lump has disappeared entirely with the chemo regime that I am on as well. They are going to give me one more round of chemo then give me an MRI scan because of the reaction I had to the contrast injection with the CT scan, just to see how my liver is. The plan at the moment is either to continue with my current regime and then Herceptin, or change my drugs to a more Herceptin friendly regime and then give me both at the same time. I had the BIGGEST smile all the way home!! I could have floated back to my car. I know I still have a long way to go, but the first indications are all good. It really picked on the wrong chick this time!! And thank goodness for rock and roll!

Day Fifty Six

I was ok until I spoke to my parents half an hour ago, then it all came out. Feeling very soggy and in dire need of my mother and father at the moment. I wish my parents didn't live so far away. Sometimes I feel very alone - not very often, but inside me right now is a very frightened child. It's all very well being the big brave me, I had to crack at some point. I am coping with this, I have no choice. The gang at work are being very supportive - you all seem to know what I need at the moment, it's like a pack mentality! You don't seem to like leaving me on my own, it's instinctive, making sure I know when one of you is going to be back. Thank you for knowing me as well as you do. Oh I am feeling very sorry for myself at the moment! I know that no-one can do this for me, I have to do this by myself, but not by myself. I am ok. Just a little tired and emotional - but think I am allowed, just this once.

Day Fifty Five

Feeling not too bad today, my arm is aching a bit from the chemo, but generally, not too bad at all. I am not feeling sick, but I do feel like I have eaten something cold which is sitting in my tummy. This feeling goes away if I eat or drink something, so honey on toast was the order of the day for breakfast. I actually feel well enough to be going back to work tomorrow, but as always, promise not to over do it. I am collecting my little person from the reception area at school so that I don't encounter too many little person type germs and I am giving him Omega 3 to help boost his immune system which I do every year anyway. Feeling much less conscious about my hair when I go out and somebody liked it very much today - knew he would. It looks better on me than it does on him!

Day Fifty Four

Feeling a little bit more weary today, breathless going up the stairs, that kind of thing, but nothing major. That is how I was last time. Just being sensible and resting a lot in between doing little jobs. Fed up with finding hair everywhere though! I have indigestion too, so drinking lots of milk which helps. Looking forward to bed time. I have a little discomfort under my left arm this time too - maybe it's the turn of the naughty lymph node to be got at! Virtually bald now on top, feeling very tufty. What I do like though is going outside and feeling the breeze on my scalp, it tickles beautifully, but have to be careful in the sun. A little bit of warm is nice though. My cat, Willow, will not leave my side at the moment, even sitting in between my feet if I won't let her on my lap. She knows. She has been like that for a while. It's nice sitting in the Autumn sun in my garden with her.

Day Fifty Three

Am feeling incredibly good - maybe worryingly so. But saying that, took two anti throw up tablets last night and a valium and pretty much slept all the way through for nearly ten hours, so perhaps feeling good is justified! Taken it fairly easy today, rested, did a little bit of housework, rested some more, eaten continuously, rested some more and was even well enough to nip to the shops to get the groceries! Put my spare hair on and for the first time, I feel gorgeous with it on. I have virtually no real hair on top now, looking very pathetic. I think I needed to go past the point of no return with my own hair to feel the benefits of my spare hair. In fact, got eyeballed more than once in town, does the confidence a world of good! I really do feel fine, the pain is starting to return in my lump, I expect that to intensify over the next few days, but every treatment is going to affect me differently I think. I have taken my steroids today like a good girl, and I don't have to take them any more now for this session. Hurrah! Friends have all been making contact today to see how I am, think I have been on the phone for nearly two hours in total, which also a very good way of making me rest. I am not going to kick the backside of this, as I know I will be floored if I do. Another lazy day tomorrow I think.

Day Fifty Two

Well, here I am. I have survived another round of chemo inducing angora knickers and sleepy head! Taking a valium at half seven this morning was a real eye opener - and then shutter! Totally chilled and relaxed. The valium stops the chemo from making you feel sick. I have just looked in the mirror, I am a whiter shader of pale and definitely thinning on top now, I look proper poorly but I don't feel it - yet. The disco dancing I had in my liver last time has not happened so much this time, but early days yet. I don't have to remove hair from under my arms anymore! Any hair that I have removed over the last week has not grown back. I went out today without my spare hair, just wore my funky pink hat that my angel bought me, hoop earrings and a bit of lippy and I was me again. She bought me another angel last night, a guardian angel crystal. Made me cry. I don't know what I would do without her. I've said it before and I'll say it again. I am a very lucky girl. I am protected, loved and very much at peace with what is going on. And I don't think it's the valium talking!

Day Fifty One

Feeling a little bit low today, not looking forward to chemo tomorrow. Also, hair loss is getting me down a bit. People's reactions have generally been good, but I don't feel like me anymore. If I wear my spare hair, I am very conscious of it. I walked into town today and the paranoia hit me - are people looking at me because it is obvious I am wearing a wig? Friends reassure me that it does look natural, but I don't like wearing it and I am not brave enough to go out looking bald. Listen to me, worrying about my hair when I have other things to worry about! But that's the thing, I am not worrying about that, just getting on with it. So perhaps I should listen to my own advice and just get on with it. I have asked my little person's school for some help - see, I can ask for help! I will need help over the next few weeks as my chemo progresses to get my little person to school. They sent home a letter yesterday to parents who live close to me, and today, three mums phoned me and offered their assistance. People are wonderful. I could not do this without people like that and my friends and family. Well, I shall do my best to be with you tomorrow, I am being zapped at 8.30am, I may be asleep all day, but I know you are thinking of me.

Day Fifty

Went to work today for the first time since shaving my head. I was not worried in the slightest, I am so at home there and among people who genuinely care for me. I walked in wearing my spare hair and got a wow. I took off my spare hair and got a bigger wow! I was told I look like Sigourney Weaver without and Cyndi Lauper with! Totally relaxed and comfortable not wearing my spare hair. I prefer to wear it outside, but inside, not at all. One of the guys saw me without it, then half an hour later with and commented that it had grown very quickly. Some of the guys even said that I should keep my short hair that way. Apparently I have a nicely shaped head! So feeling happy if tired, had more blood taken today in preparation for being zapped again on Friday. I don't like needles, but I suspect by the end of all this they won't be a problem any more. That comes from having my rubella injection on my 11th birthday and the nurse leaving the needle in my arm whilst she answered the phone!

Day Forty Nine

Braved the world with my spare hair! Put on loads of makeup, hoop earrings as promised and then popped it on. Took a bit of getting used to. Reactions from friends ranged from 'very sexy!' to 'wow!' and that I look better with straight hair. I like it, but I prefer not wearing it. I am back at work tomorrow so will have to see what my friends there say. I intend to go in wearing my spare hair and then take it off! It does feel so much better not wearing it. I didn't have a cold head in bed last night but my scalp is still sore. When I rub my head, the hair is still falling out, just shorter! I feel tired today, early night tonight I think.

Day Forty Eight

So much for clever hair! It started to fall out in a spectacular fashion in the shower this morning, so I have done it. I have had my head shaved by my best friend. There were tears to start off with but by the end, we were laughing! She threatened to take the hoover to my head, or a really large piece of sellotape! How do I feel? Back in control. It was awful seeing my hair coming away like that, now I have sorted it. My decision, not my hair's. And you know what? It feels fabulous. Really liberating. I put my spare hair on after having my shower, and it looks fine. But right now, I think I am going to be like Gail Porter and wear my cropped hair with pride. That was one of the bravest things I have ever done and now I feel all empowered! I prefer to still be me without my hair. So, lots of make up, large hoop earrings and away I go! I am still smiling.

Day Forty Seven

My scalp has been hurting the last two mornings when I washed my hair and this morning, loads of my hair fell out. Ok, maybe not enough to knit a vest, but enough to make a small spider bath ladder. Amazingly though, the rest of my hair still looks as thick and fabulous as yesterday. So perhaps I have a twofold thing going on here, the chemo has destroyed some of my hair producing cells and that is what has fallen out now, but as it's two weeks since my last session, the rest of it is compensating! Clever hair. Went to see 'Evan Almighty' today. If you have not seen it, Evan, a congressman, is instructed by God to make an Ark. Very funny, but what struck me was the message. Evan asked for an opportunity to be closer to his family, he and his sons built the ark together. Ark by the way stands for Acts of Random Kindness. Evan's congress manifesto was change the world. I wish I could change the world, or more precisely, change people's perceptions of the world. I want the whole world to realise how beautiful this planet is that we live on, how amazing we are as individuals and what a wonderful place it would be if we could all live in harmony. You know I am a hippy chick, now lets spread some love. If this is my opportunity to do it, it may be a little step but it's a step in the right direction. What was spooky though was when I came out of the cinema, it was just starting to rain and then when I turned my car stereo on, 'Keep the Faith' by Bon Jovi was playing. Enough said.

Day Forty Six

Slept really well last night, new bed is worth it's weight in gold. I am feeling fine, my eyes are tired but the rest of me is doing really well. I have been taking immune system boosting vitamins since Wednesday and I am not sure if it's them working or the chemo wearing off before the next session, but my hair is feeling almost back to normal. I was chatting with my neighbour this afternoon, she is only a couple of years younger than me, she was saying how shocked she was when she found out about me, but we chatted about loads of other stuff too and it was really good. I don't want my illness to be the sole topic of conversation at the moment - there is more to me than that! Her parting comment was if I need anything, I should knock. That has been everyones comment, it is good to know that there are people there for me should I need them. It's hard for me to ask for help, I am normally the one doing the helping, but if I need it, I will ask for it. That is what friends are for.