Day 90

I feel fantastic today and better than last time yet again. No fatigue at all really and some pain in the liver area which is nice - those cells are getting a hammering again. I have some news for you so get comfortable because this one is going to be a long one I feel. I have received a letter today from my oncologist. Basically, he confirms that the treatment is working and the lumps in my liver are smaller in the scan than they were in August - hurrah!!!! The blood markers also reflect this. However, and this is where I came unstuck a little (but only temporarily), because the Herceptin did not keep the cancer away and because my cancer is not a hormonal one, there is no maintenance medication for me. I am to have my last round of chemo on December 12th and then... wait and see. The oncologist wants to see me in March. Ok, millions of things running round my head at the moment so please bear with me, I just need to get them out. Ok, if the Herceptin didn't keep it at bay in my breast, lymph and lung - that means I did! So what now for me. Well, as of now, I am at war. It is now my responsibility to give myself the best chance of surviving this and to do everything I can to beat this at its own game. So, healthy diet (not that its that bad at the moment), more exercise and more importantly - no more worrying. I was taught a valuable lesson when I was at school, I used to worry about everything. Then a friend said, if you can do something about it, do it, if you can't, don't worry about it. It has been my mantra ever since. In this case, I can do something about it, I can go and kick bottom. I cannot worry about dying - I certainly can't do anything about that! One thing I have noticed is that when I get upset, I get pain in my liver. So no more getting upset. I was right, laughter and love really are going to get me through this. If you are reading this, please, get out there and enjoy your life, grab the world in both hands and give it the biggest hug. I have been given this chance to do just that and I am going to. I am going to beat this. I know I am. I have the biggest smile on my face right now - can you feel it? I put my car stereo on today and 30 Seconds to Mars was on - Attack. Oh bring it on. I won't suffer, be broken,get tired or wasted, surrender to nothing or give up what I've started and stopped this from end to beginning, a new day is coming and I am full of life. Damn right I am.

Day 89

Another really rough night, the pain in my legs woke me up and I had to go downstairs to get more pain relief at 3am. The pain did not abate at all today until about 2pm when I took some pain killers - pain relief really is the correct phrase! I called the doctor with regards to the levels of medication I take to manage this and he said it's ok for me to try and bolster up my levels before I go to bed so that at least I can try and have an undisturbed night. The problem I have is that when I take the pain killers, my kidneys ache, regardless of how much I drink to flush them through. And I have had my first ever nose bleed today.. not an event I feel like celebrating but it shows the hammering my body is taking at the moment. However, I feel better than I did this time yesterday, can actually feel myself coming out the other side of this again, my body getting back to normal. Very Phoenix and ashes scenario! I will be better again tomorrow and the day after that. Difference being is that this time I know it's not been for nothing, all this pain and discomfort has been worth it.

Just thought you would like to know, its been 4 hours since I wrote that and I have come out the other side of the pain again - usually its the Wednesday morning that I wake up feeling better but I actually felt the transition to humanity this afternoon!

Day 88

Had a bit of a bad night, the new pain killers I have been given worked quick enough but didn't last as long so I woke up at 3am and my legs were painful. I am not complaining though as I have not felt the same whoozey feeling that I do with the other pain killers. My legs are aching lots as is my left wrist. I have bruised really badly after the chemo as well this time, four spectacular bruises on my arms from the cannulation. Yet again though I know this is only temporary and I will be feeling better by Wednesday. Craving carbohydrates this time as well which is another sign that I am healing - and no pain in my liver! Just felt a little bit tight this morning but have hardly thought about it at all today.

Day 86

Feeling ok-ish at the moment, didn't sleep very well last night thanks to the blessed steroids but managed to sleep this afternoon for a little while. What has gone though is the niggling voice in the back of my head that used to whisper "Are you going to make it this time?". I have been drinking lots to flush through the chemicals but I already have pain in my ankles which means I will have to take a painkiller tonight. I am looking forward to Christmas and New Years now for the first time, thinking about when to put up the lights, my works Christmas dinner and what to wear to it, that sort of thing. That is the biggest difference. I have got my future back.

Day 85

Well then.. what news do I have to tell you today.. let me see. How does the chemo is working grab you??!!! Saw the oncall oncologist this morning and initally he didn't have the MRI results which he was very disappointed about (as was I) but he let me see my tumour marker graph. When cancer cells grow they put out a chemical which they measure in my blood tests. In April that was 9.7, in August it had increased to 17.4 which indicated there was cancerous growth. When I started chemo it rocketed to over 60 - now this is normal, the cells kick out more chemical in defence. But my last marker before round 5 of chemo which I had today was 19!! That puts me back under normal parameters. In addition to this, my liver function has been normal all the way through - my liver has never known it's been under attack which is incredible. I then had my chemo and it was a nightmare getting the cannula in - 6 attempts. My arms are black and blue tonight. They have said that if I need to have more intravenous treatment such as the Herceptin they are going to put a permanent line into me under my skin so I don't have to keep being cannulated. It wasn't too bad today, just fed up with being a pin cushion - the nurse laughed and said I shouldn't have a bath in case I leaked! Anyway, I was sat there having my chemo and the oncologist came and found me - he had called the MRI department and they had told him there was definite improvement! I still haven't wiped the grin off my face. You have no idea how I am feeling, such a massive weight off me. I knew I was winning as I have been feeling better but to have it in black and white is fantastic. My phone was hot all this afternoon and to all of you who have been supporting me through this - thank you. You will never know how much you have given me. I can now start to live again, to plan things and isn't it just the best Christmas present ever!! I feel like me again. I was also chatting to another patient yesterday and he told me about his sister who had cancer 17 years ago and is still with them. I needed to hear that. Thanks friends. Love you all.

Day 83

I cannot believe how different I feel today. I have done a full day at work and bar a need for a cup of coffee at 2pm, I did not feel too tired. I also have no pain what so ever today. My boss cannot believe that I have done 2 full days at work, he is expecting me to be feeling worse. I needed a kick up the bottom yesterday and I got one, feeling much more positive again. I had a lot of things whirling round my head yesterday, feeling more settled about things, more positive and feeling more like myself again. I have a sneaking suspicion I was kicking bottom yesterday as well, that was the most pain I have felt from the liver area ever and then to get that hot, itchy feeling later on.. I have felt that before, when my breast lump was being beaten. It's that, plus the fact that I am feeling so good - as my boss put it, you can't be ill if you are feeling well - that has given me the boost I needed. I AM going to beat this. I better had!

Day 82

Had another rough day today. I am in quite a lot of pain in my side right now, actually considering taking a pain killer tonight. I know I am also feeling bad because its treatment day on Friday. It didn't help that yet again they had a hell of a job getting blood out of me for my blood tests. No joy with my arm so the nurse had to take it from the back of my hand and boy it hurt. She was fabulous though, she has given me some magic anaesthetic cream for Friday. I am just so fed up with being ill. I ended up in tears on my friend at work today, just bubbled up and I couldn't do anything about it. I am struggling a bit mentally at the moment. But as I went home today I turned on the radio and there was a song playing, Wires by Athlete..

You got wires, going in
You got wires, coming out of your skin
You got tears, making tracks
I got tears, that are scared of the facts

Well that got my attention.. I was crying by this point. Then the lines..

I see it in your eyes, I see it in your eyes
You'll be alright
I see it in your eyes, I see it in your eyes
You'll be alright

I needed to hear that. As I have been typing this, the pain in my side has changed. It got really intense about half an hour ago. I now have a really deep itchy feeling in my side. You know what - I am going to be alright.

Day 78

Ooops! I got my hospital dates mixed up! I am not seeing my oncologist until December 17th but I will get the results of yesterdays MRI when I go for round 5 of chemo next week. However, I did get a call from the MRI team today, they have booked me in for another MRI on December 12th - my last chemo so I will have my canula in! I cannot fault my hospital and the care I have received at all. I saw my doctor as well today, I don't get on with the tramedol, that's the medication I take for the pain from chemo - as she put it, it makes me feel like I am away with the fairies!! So I have a different pain killer to take, let's see how I go with that. I am the sort of person who never bothers the doctor's from one year to the next and I walked out today with a bumper bag of medicines - I am going to rattle! At least I don't have to take them all the time and I only have two more rounds of chemo - at the moment. That may all change pending on the results of the MRI. But we will cross that bridge when we come to it.

Day 77

Well today didn't go as well as planned but never mind! My veins decided to hide from the cold and they could not get the contrast dye in for my MRI. I have had the scan but the images will not be as good. However, they will also be able to use my blood results to see how I am doing. It was not all bad, I was sat in the waiting room all gowned up and feeling attractive and there were two other ladies in there as well. The lady to my right said "My body all went downhill when I turned 40", I said "Well mine went when I turned 34" and then the lady to my left said "Well mine went downhill when I turned 27!". She had ovarian cancer. We then swapped tales of spare hair and we were all laughing, it was lovely. So the plan now is to wait until I am canulated for my chemo and then have my MRI done at the same time. It was hardly surprising that they could not find a vein, it was freezing cold on the unit, I was anxious and they all had cold hands. I must admit, I cried, just had enough of being hurt, being pulled around, just wanted it all to stop. It wasn't the nursing staff's fault, they were really lovely. Its my useless body. The other lady was saying it would be nice to have a new body. I echo that sentiment!! Wouldn't that be fab, go to a garage for people and have your faulty parts replaced!

Day 76

I have had a really good day! I managed to work for 6 hours today, felt shattered this morning but the more I worked the better I felt and I really enjoyed it! The old brain cells were semi firing on half cylinders but I got what I needed to do done. I also had a visit from my lovely line manager (who is excellent at hugs) who told me about someone he knows who had cancer of the tongue, fought that and then got secondaries in her lymphatic system - and is now clear 5 years on. He also told me about another friend of his who had a double mastectomy and is also clear 5 years on. People do survive cancer. I had lost sight of that. And I have also had an amazingly funny email from a fellow sufferer in Australia - hello Karen! I hope you manage to get over your addiction to Ikea and hunny, take a leaf out of your cats book and sleep! Your hair will start to grow back soon and brace yourself - it will more than likely be curly, a different colour and it will come back in places you never knew hair could grow. Make the most of not having to shave your armpits while you can. That sense of humour is what will get you through this. As Monty Python said, always look on the bright side of life.. know its very hard sometimes. Just think of all the money you have saved on shampoo! Your email made me laugh out loud. I take my spare hair off to you - but will put it back on very quickly as its winter here!

Day 75

Today I dedicate this blog to a very good friend of mine, she is always there for me to pick me up and her little finger must be very sore because she holds mine in hers when I need it most. She sent me these words after reading my blog yesterday and I wanted to share them with you because yet again, she has made me feel better. Thank you Bryher.

Know you think that there is a high chance of you getting secondaries but remember that life is a gamble and that is what makes life not boring - you could live to be 100 and confound medical science; you could be run over by that bus you talk about - there are so many possibilities that can happen in life and we don’t know the half of them - better than we don’t I think! Just taking one step at a time is the major point in life; smelling the roses on the way and appreciating everything we see, do and live, as you say are the main things.

Life is the journey - not the destination and wow.. are we having a rollercoaster of a ride!

Day 74

I was chatting with my boss today (managed 5 hours today!) about how I am feeling, impending scan etc and I told him that there is a very high chance that I will get more of these secondaries (he enquired about radiotherapy but if they do that to my liver it would microwave it) and that realistically, my life expectancy has been greatly reduced and that I am never going to grow old. He looked me in the eye and said that getting old is overrated, who wants to end up dribbling in a bath chair. It would have been nice to have had a life before I got this but you know what - I have been given a chance that not everybody has. I have got a chance now to live my life to the full, to love as much as I can, to laugh, get out there and experience it because for me now, every day is a precious and a gift. Cancer gives you that gift. I could walk in front of a bus tomorrow and not have told my son how proud I am of him or how much I love him. Bitter sweet, this cancer lark. If I can see my son grow into the fine man I know he will become, I will be happy. How many of us walk through this life without living it until its too late. I have been given the chance to do that while I am still young enough to do it. And I am bloody well going to.

Day 73

I have to say I am amazed at how well I am feeling! I woke up on Wednesday and felt like a different person, my ankles were still very sore as well as my finger and toes nails (that's a new one, socks and shoes quite uncomfortable) but little or no chemo fatigue. It feels so good to be not feeling totally shattered, I have relaxed this weekend and I am feeling up to doing a full day at work tomorrow - I want to make the most of feeling well but I am aware of not kicking the backside out of it. I want to start losing the weight that I have put on through the chemo and the steroids so I can enjoy the summer next year (my winter clothes obviously shrank over the summer)and I really feel - better! I have my MRI on Thursday so we shall see whats going on and if I am right to be feeling as well as I am. Even now my fingernails are no longer hurting - text messages are fun to try and send when they are sore! But I do feel different. All those fingers being crossed out there are working. Thank you. Could not do this without you.

Day 68

Bit of an odd night, I kept waking up through the night saying "the fever has broken!". Very surreal. I finally fell into a deep sleep about 2am and then woke with the alarm at 7am. But I woke up feeling, well, better. My head was not fuzzy from the pain killers - which incidentally only just touched the pain last night. I have not had a nap to speak of today but my legs are really painful, from my ankles to my knees. Even having a warm bath tonight has not helped and I find myself looking forward to bed so that I can take my pain killer. But what I cannot get over is the fact that I feel really good considering I had chemo 4 days ago. Last year the doctor said the best indication of how I am doing is how I am feeling, was I feeling any worse or better. Today I feel better - the pain in my legs is just the side effects from the chemo. I have little or no pain in my liver area. If this is following the pattern it did last time, my breast lump disappeared between rounds 4 and 5 of chemo and had gone by round 6. Keep your fingers crossed for me.

Day 67

This is my worst day post chemo and oh boy don't I know it. I woke up this morning and my tongue felt as if I have been chewing on it all night, so sore. I am going to whinge which is not like me but I feel as if every part of me hurts, my legs, my neck, my finger nails, even my eyes. I don't want to take any pain killers until bedtime though so I am just putting up with it but I will be having an early night tonight. I slept for 9 hours last night but it took me a while to get off. I don't like to complain so I won't but I just need you to know I am feeling about as rough as I can be. I have even had to take anti-sickness tablets today. BUT! I am also craving potatoes. Now that sounds cryptic but I always crave mashed potatoes when I am poorly as I know its my get you feeling better food. I am not craving protein. I am following the same pattern that I did last time. I will know the results of my MRI by the 21st November when I go for round 5 of my treatment. I need to rest now but I will be feeling better tomorrow I am sure. I hope so!

Day 66

Slept all the way through last night from 10pm until 7am after having a pain killer last night. I felt my ankles starting to ache last night before I went to bed and sure enough as soon as I settled in bed my right ankle started to hurt - but all I had to do was wait for the pain killer to kick in. Beating this at its own game. The only downside is that I now have the side effects of the pain killer! I cannot believe that I should be taking 6 of those a day, I am getting by on just one a night but it leaves me feeling stoned. My breathing is heavier as well at the moment, I actually woke myself up because I was breathing as if I had run a marathon. If I move my head too fast I feel dizzy so I am going to take it easy today - I have no choice in the matter! Even typing this is fun! Mt left wrist is quite painful as well - that seems to be a left over from my first course of chemo as it used to hurt then too. I am ok in myself, I need to concentrate on getting better at the moment and I know that all those around me want the same for me as well so I better get on with it!

Day 65

Woke up in the wee hours this morning and did a body diagnostic as is my way! Felt ok at 4.30am today, no pain in my liver area, just felt a little nauseous but not enough to need tablets. I managed to get back to sleep for a few more hours. I feel sluggish and tired and the old brain is not functioning properly already. Struggling with conversations and having to really think before I reply to people. I am not in any pain yet in my legs but my liver is making its presence known but not too much. I do not feel the need to take any pain relief for that just yet but I think I will take some for my ankles tonight so I can sleep. I know that when I get into bed tonight it will start to hurt. I am ok..not worried about it just getting on with it in my own way and it works for me. I know I will be feeling better by Wednesday - getting to be an old hand at this now! And the fact that I only have to go through this twice more is really good. I will do whatever it takes to come out the other side of this. Rest assured.