New Years Eve

Well here we are, the end of 2007. It has been quite a year for me (think that is the understatement of the year!)but in all honesty, I can hand on my heart say that is has been the best year of my life. So much has happened to me but what it has all taught me is that I am finally where I should be - or getting there. I have ended two very destructive relationships, one with my ex-husband, the other with my own body and both experiences have shown me what I am capable of.

Those of you who have been travelling with me know how much I admire Lance Armstrong and his book about his own experience. He is just typical of the brave and courageous people who are living with cancer, whether they be sufferers or supporters. We are all brave and courageous, even if, like me, we don't feel it. I just want to give you a few lines from his book 'It's Not About the Bike' as I think he sums it up better than I could:

"The question that lingers is, how much was I a factor in my own survival, and how much was science, and how much is miracle? I don't have the answer to that question...What if I had lost? What if I had relapsed and the cancer came back? I still believe I would have gained something in the struggle, because in what time I had left I would have been a more complete, compassionate and intelligent man, and therefore more alive. The one thing the illness has conviced me of beyond all doubt is that we are much better than we know. We have unrealised capacities that sometimes only emerge in a crisis.

So if there is a purpose to the suffering that is cancer, I think it must be this: it's meant to improve us. I am very firm in my belief that cancer is not a form of death. I choose to redefine it: it is a part of life...the definition of courage is the quality of spirit that enables one to encounter danger with firmness and without fear."

Before I was finally diagnosed, when I was waiting for the test results, when I did not know that I had cancer, I was terrified. Once I knew what I was fighting, that was it. The battle plans were drawn up and I went to war. And I was never afraid. Of losing the battle or of dying. I made my peace with the fact that this could kill me. When I was told that the chemo was successful, that I was beating this thing, I cried my heart out because although I made peace with dying, it made me realise how much I really wanted to live, how much I have to live for. I believe that we all have to go through one life changing experience to make us realise what life is, to not move from one day to the next without experiencing how lucky we are to be alive. This has been mine. So perhaps life changing is the wrong word. Try life awakening. I have said it all the way through. I am incredibly lucky. That is why this has been the best year of my life and I could not have done it without the support of some very special people, my family, my friends, my son, the staff at the hospital and a very special man.

This is going to be my last daily post. It seems a natural conclusion. For those of you reading this who have been touched by cancer, fight the good fight and enjoy every day as much as you possibly can. I suspect you are already doing that. I hope that your treatment is as successful as mine has been. To my friends who are reading this, thank you just does not touch it. I will never forget what you have done for me without you even knowing or me asking. You just did it. For my son. I did this for you. You never knew how scared I was or that there was a possibility that I might not make it. I am sorry that at times I was tired and grumpy and tried to make you wear my spare hair. You can keep me. Listen to your angels darling. Mine told me I had nothing to be afraid of. And as for you hunny - you know it already. I did it for you too - did not want to get my backside kicked!

May 2008 bring you all good luck and good health. I am going to drop in once in a while just to keep you updated but for now, goodbye. Love to you all xxx

Day 166

Finally feeling physically more like the old me, virtually back to how I was before I was diagnosed. The breathlessness and dizziness has gone, feeling stronger every day. It won't be long before I have to use shampoo again! Sleeping all the way through the night and back to waking up around half six instead of wanting to sleep until 9am at least. Even the veins on the back of my left hand are looking blue instead of brown, recovering from the chemo. Rest and recuperation are working their magic. I am proud of myself, little achievements such as putting flat pack furniture together by myself really boost me. I feel capable of anything. If having cancer and getting divorced at the same time can't stop me from smiling, nothing can! I am feeling stronger not just physically but emotionally as well, less prone to worrying and more likely to confront any problems I may have. It is very true. What does not kill you makes you stronger.

Day 165

Feeling a little sleepy today, fell asleep tucked upon the sofa this afternoon which I have not done for a while. I had a fairly busy morning, took the Christmas tree down this morning and tidied up, getting the house back to normal. I do love Christmas but it is nice to get everything back ship shape again. It is nice to be tucked up and cosy whilst it is being so foul outside. I really am making the most of my holiday, resting up - it's good not to have to wake up so early on these dark mornings. I was sat here last night and I thought to myself, I do not have to do anything. First time for a long time, what with going to hospital, going to work and generally living from day to day. I can relax for the next few days and put my feet up. Bliss!!

Day 164

Nipped into work this morning for a little while to see the folks and to check that my desk was not groaning too much after a week. It was so good to see my friends. I logged onto the system and it was not long before people realised I was at my desk and the phone started ringing! One of my friends is back after being on a course for six weeks and it was really good to catch up. And my hair is slightly longer than his now! We compared notes on fuzziness. When I am doing my blog, I watch the 'blogger feed', that is all the photos that are being uploaded to blogs from all around the world. There is an awful lot of love out there! So good to see. Good to know. It really is what makes the world go round.

Day 163

I braved the sales this morning and I triumphed! Was in and out in an hour and a half with everything that I wanted to get. I am feeling about as well as I can do at the moment apart from a headache which I am having trouble shifting. My skin is starting to misbehave a little, the same as it did after my first chemo but nothing to worry about. It felt like I spent the entire night dreaming, woke up feeling exhausted. This is probably fall out from the stress that I have been under over the last few months, even though when I was going through it I did not feel that stressed. I am going to have a very lazy day for the rest of the day - I can feel a nap coming on!

Day 162

Thought I would do some trawling of the interweb today, curious as to how the herceptin is affecting me and how long it will take for my hair to grow back. I have been feeling a bit wheezey of an evening, my lungs are crackling and I have noticed that if I am focusing on something like the tv and then I move my line of focus to something closer, I have been feeling a bit dizzy. Faintness and increased cough are common side effects of the herceptin. I have also got a mild rash on my tummy which is also a common side effect. The side effects diminish with every subsequent treatment as it is a 'natural' treatment. Herceptin works against the increased production of the HER2 protein which I have by bubblewrapping it so it cannot divide and grow and by boosting my own body's immune system against it. I have to have it intravenously because my stomach would destroy it if I took it orally. I have put a nice link to 'Hairy Karen' down the side. This wonderful lady has very thoughtfully photographed her hair recovery after her chemo. She has also done a daily blog - I am sure there are a lot more out there. I am about week four now, my hair is long enough to pull. I must admit, I found these photo's comforting. I do not like wearing my spare hairs now as they are really itchy due to all the regrowth going on. It is nice to see that although my hair feels very fine and baby like, as it gets longer it covers up more of my head. Having just typed that, it sounds perfectly logical! I am also feeling a lot warmer, noticed that yesterday so the post herceptin chills have worn off. Feeling much, much better today.

Christmas Day

Merry Christmas everyone! I hope you all got you wanted for Christmas and there weren't too many pairs of socks. I got the best gift this year.

Christmas Eve

As my child lies sleeping
Thoughts of Christmas in his head
Dreaming, softly smiling
Whilst tucked up in his bed.
It's not the Christmas presents
Lovingly wrapped under the tree
That make him smile, this Christmas Eve
It's the images that he sees.
An enchanted world of magic
That only a child can see
And the knowledge that he's safe and loved
As much as a child can be.
Dream softly sweetheart, you are mine
And I am yours to keep
I close my eyes and start to dream
I'll be with you while you sleep.

Day 159

Feeling all cosy and relaxed. The shopping is done, the presents are wrapped, tree lights are twinkling, hot chocolate by my side. Aaaah. And relax two three. This is what I have been looking forward to. It's all cold and foggy outside but I am warm and cosy. I am sleeping so well now, I am feeling really well. My right arm is feeling a little tender at the top but that is all. I have a woolly hat on my head to keep me warm, my hair is looking very fluffy and blonde. I do resemble a duckling at the moment! It's so soft, like baby hair. Bing Crosby was singing 'White Christmas' on the radio and I found myself singing to it, I did not realise I knew all the words. I love this time of year! Licence to eat chocolate too!

Day 158

I slept for nine and a half hours last night, straight through, no medication. I woke up at half six with a headache but that has gone with paracetamol. My back ache and aching legs are better. I am still feeling cold but other than that, I am feeling ok. Even managed the madness of Tesco's this morning! I can now settle down, get cosy for Christmas. I am feeling relaxed and settled, looking forward to the rest. The back of my hand is a bit sore, it took them three attemps again to get the canula in. They have said that my veins will get better now, it is now just a healing game. I am there.

Day 157

Alban Arthuan - the Winter Solstice, the shortest day of the year. I have had my first lot of herceptin, £1500 worth of medication now coursing through my veins. I found out today that I am going to have another 24 rounds of this. So how am I feeling? Not too bad. I have a mild headache, my back is singing a bit as are my legs - these are the flu like symptoms that I was told I could get. I feel tired and my chest is a bit tight, a little light headed. I felt really nauseous as the stuff went through but I am not sure if that was just the smell of the chemo ward, my body now associates that smell with feeling poorly afterwards. I have some pain in the lump area, that is standard. But I really am not complaining. I know these drugs are going to improve my survival rates and if I have to feel rough for a couple of days, I can live with that. So, I have lit my candles to celebrate the solstice, I am going to curl up under my blanket - feeling cold too - and I am going to rest up, let the drugs work their magic quietly.

Day 156

I am feeling so much better today! Not tired at all and considering I was eating cornflakes at half two this morning (woke up with a rumbly tummy!) I am feeling fab! My eyes aren't tired in the slightest. I had a really good last day at work before the holidays, being very silly and getting lots of hugs which was lovely. It was totally manic in the office but everything got done. So, also last day before I have Herceptin. I am not as worried about this as I was about having chemo, I know there is a chance I could have an allergic reaction to it but it is not as damaging to my veins as the chemo and it should not leave me feeling as poorly, although you can have flu like symptoms. Hence why I have been trying to get all my jobs done. I am feeling really positive (nothing new there then!) about it. I just want to get on with it, get the job done. Midwinters Eve, tomorrow is the Winter Solstice too, let us see what the day brings.

Day 155

I was tucked up in bed last night at 8pm and I slept through pretty much until 7am. Felt much better today. By going to bed when I needed to, despite the ridiculously early hour, I was able to do a full day at work today. My last day tomorrow before Christmas. For the first time ever, I am looking forward to the rest. Normally, I actually begrudge being made to stay at home! I would so much rather be at work with my friends, but this time, I intend to give in and give my body what it needs. I did my Christmas food shopping this evening - I don't know how I am going to be at the weekend after having Herceptin. I made a point of smiling at people and I got so many smiles back in return! It was lovely. So much better than getting grumpy and impatient! Try it, spread a little happiness. My favourite smile? A little boy that was half hanging out of the shopping trolley, he just fixed me with his eyes and grinned at me. That is what makes this world go round and made my day.

Day 154

The day started off with a start - I slept through my alarm clock. I have never done that before! I woke up at 7.45am which gave me half an hour to get me and my little fella ready for the day - and we did it! Joint effort. I am more tired than I have ever been in my life. I went to work for two hours but it was a complete struggle so I left and came home again. I cannot seem to settle though, up and down like a yo-yo. I suspect this is the fall out from all the stress I have been under lately. Now the divorce is through and I am getting better, I have slowed down and my body is saying OI! Give me a break! So I am going to try my hardest. I am very stubborn, I don't like giving into the fact that I cannot do everything and I don't like being so tired but I must learn that I am not superhuman, I do have limitations and I really must rest up or else I am not going to get better. Sleep is nature's way of recharging our batteries and healing us when we are not looking, so we cannot argue. So here is me promising to do as I am told and not berate myself for wanting to sleep so much. I give in. That is the only time you will hear me say that. Oh yes, you might like this one - Cancer is a word, not a sentence. Think about it. It does not define who I am. Thanks Bryher.

Day 153

I am catching myself thinking that I have HAD cancer, not I HAVE cancer, in the same way that I knew when I was pregnant that my baby was a little boy. It is an unconscious certainty. I find that comforting. I am so tired at the moment, it was all I could do to get out of bed this morning, yet I still managed to do a full day today. When I am at work, I am ok, it's the getting there and coming home I am having problems with at the moment. I want to go to bed now. Last early morning tomorrow, my little fella is breaking up from school so I will be able to sleep in, hurrah! He will be with his dad for a couple of days so I intend to sleep as much as I can. Why is it that when you wake up at 3am it takes you about an hour to get back to sleep, but when your alarm goes off you can fall asleep in between snooze buttons?!

Day 152

Feeling much better today. I went to bed last night at 8pm, slept through until 8.30am today! I obviously needed it. I am still feeling incredibly tired though and a little breathless today. It was my son's birthday party today, I entertained nine little ten year olds for two hours and it went by as if it was five minutes, had a thoroughly good time. I must admit, I was breathless by the end of it, shouting instructions for 'Simon Says' and 'Upper Deck, Lower Deck' took it out of me. I am coming down with a cold and they always go straight to my chest. I am feeling more emotionally stable today, I had a blip over the last couple of days but I am out the other side of it, back smiling again. I am so looking forward to having a rest over the festive period, think it will do me the world of good.

Day 151

Well, I got in at 2am this morning! I had a wonderful evening, danced my socks off for two hours solid - my feet were still sore this morning! However, half way through the evening, I was just sitting quietly, watching my friends chatting and having a good time and I was suddenly hit by a wave of affection for them, and a sense of what I would have missed out on had my treatment not been successful. I had to take myself off for a bit, have a bit of a blub! I am still feeling quite emotional today, feeling little bit unhinged, I think that is the best description. It is hardly surprising, I have been so positive throughout all this, it had to come out somewhere. So, I have broken out the tin of Celebrations I have had hidden away (see, I do have will power!) and I am going to top up on my choccie levels. I am going to be ok, I know that.

Day 150

Is it really 150 days since I started this blog?! I don't know where the time has gone. So much has happened in that time. I decided not to go into work today, caught up with my jobs instead, wrapped all the Christmas presents and popped them under the tree. Feeling excited, going out tonight with the gang from work, guaranteed to be a good night. I have had a really good day today already, was told a very silly joke about a tortoise and a turtle that had me in stitches - I can't write it, it's a visual joke! I am not feeling too tired, I actually managed to sleep for 7 hours last night all the way through, without tablets. Don't know how I will be feeling at 1am tomorrow morning though!

Day 149

I have had a really good day today, we did our Secret Santa at work today. Everyone is getting in the festive spirit and being very silly which is fabulous! I am a firm believer that everyone should be silly at least once a day. It is the office Christmas dinner tomorrow night and we are all looking forward to it, me included. I intend to have a thoroughly good time and boogie my socks off again! I am feeling well enough to manage some overtime tomorrow. My eyes are very tired but the rest of me is buzzing! Tried on my outfit last night, just to make sure it still fits and it does! Although I have put on a stone with the chemo, I have no idea where it has gone, all my clothes still fit me. Perhaps I have fatter feet.

Day 148

Feeling very cold at the moment, I usually do when I am very tired. I am trying really hard to sleep without any tablets at the moment but I am waking up in the middle of the night, lying awake for a couple of hours and then falling asleep again, only then I am struggling to get up when the blessed alarm goes off! I slept until 8am today, I could quite cheerfully sleep around the clock. I think I need to hibernate. Oh to spend the winter rolled up in my duvet! I was very proud of myself today, you will think this is daft, but I managed to top up the screen wash in my car all by myself! A minor achievement, I know, but I did it. I am going to tuck myself up nice and cosy in a minute. Oh yes! I am already losing the weight that I have put on with the chemo. Lots of reasons for me to be proud of myself.

Day 147

A good day at work today, had lots of laughs. Love being in the office with my friends. I dug out the Christmas decorations from the back of the cupboard. I made them about four years ago, I cut out snowflakes from silver wrapping paper and they have been put up and taken down very carefully ever since then! I do love this time of the year, apart from the commercialism. I think it is killing the spirit of Christmas. People seem to get so stressed out, trying to get the perfect gift, shopping until they are fit to drop. For me, Christmas is all about the magic, of being cosy indoors with the ones you love, hoping it will be a white Christmas, having time off from work and having a rest, seeing friends and spending quality time with the people you most like to be with. I am looking forward to Christmas this year.

Day 146

A long day today but a good one, so good to be back at work among my friends. I managed to do a full day today. I am feeling very tired now, I did not sleep very well last night, could not settle. I think I was probably over tired. I hope I sleep better tonight. If it was not for this tiredness, I would be feeling totally back to normal. Just goes to show me that I am not over this quite yet. At least I appear to have fended off a cold, although there are a couple of sore throats at work today! Only to be expected for this time of year. I am looking forward to having a couple of weeks off from work over Christmas, it will be nice to have a rest without feeling poorly for a change! I hope!

Day 145

Another long day today and I am starting to feel the effects of it. I am feeling quite breathless and light headed at the moment. My body is reminding me that I am not quite there yet, that I need to stop pushing myself. I had to drive home today from my sisters, then my son and I decided to put up our Christmas tree - it does look beautiful but it took nearly two hours to put up all the decorations. Then what with all the washing, cooking etc and every day stuff, I have only just sat down! I hope I am not coming down with a cold - that would be just my luck! I have managed not to get any sniffles whilst I have been having my chemo, it would be typical that I catch something now I have finished! I am going to take two paracetamol and tuck myself into bed like a good girl. On the upside, I have not felt sick for two days now! Thank goodness that has stopped.

Day 144

A good day, my sister took me to The Clothes Show at the NEC in Birmingham. We must have walked for miles today! Feeling very tired now but no more so I suppose than somebody who was out until all hours last night and then trekked round about 3000 stalls. I know I will sleep tonight. It was quite interesting actually, the place was obviously full of other women doing the same as us, I would not like to estimate how many people were there today but I definitely spotted several ladies wearing wigs. Obviously, it could be for a variety of reasons, but if you think one in three people are diagnosed with cancer, I would bet good money that it may have been for the same reason as me.

Day 143

I am writing this very early on Saturday morning because last night I went out for the first time since I was diagnosed - and I boogied my socks off!! I went out with my sister to see her husband play in his band (they are extremely good) and they played Steve Harley's 'Come up and See Me' which is one of my all time favourite songs. Would you believe it was the first time I have ever danced with my sister? And what was really scary was - we dance the same way!! One of her friends was saying that his head gets cold in the Winter, he had very little hair and my sister said "Go on!" to me so I said I sympathise! After his initial shock (!) I had him in in fits of laughter, we both agreed that it was better to shave the tufty bits off! I had chemo a week ago and I was up until 1am today having spent a wonderful evening with my sister. It is times like these that really make you feel alive and glad to be so. I don't think I have ever enjoyed dancing as much as I did last night. It was just her and me on the dance floor and we both had the biggest smiles!

Day 142

Feeling better and better every day. The nausea is still around but I have not had to take any tablets today, just making sure I am eating and drinking properly. My appetite is up and down at the moment, one minute I am starving hungry, the next I cannot eat anything at all. I expect that will sort itself out in due course. I had a check of the lump area this morning - absolutely nothing there at all. It is not even tender to touch. I think it will take a while before I really believe that it has gone. My breast looks back to normal. If only I could see my liver! I did manage to have pudding today though! I am tired but very, very happy.

Day 141

Finally! The nausea is starting to wear off. I slept brilliantly last night, was tucked up in bed by half eight and slept all the way through until half six. I woke up and for the first time since Saturday, I did not feel too bad at all. My body is really showing signs of getting back to normal. My hair is coming through a lovely honey blonde colour, a lot lighter than I used to be. If I stand with the light behind me I look like I have a halo! The longer, darker strands of hair that have been around for a while are coming out which is exactly what the doctor said would happen, leaving me with the hair that is going to stay. My eyebrows are just about hanging on but I have lost the longer of my eyelashes. I smell like me. I threw away the shower gel I have been using whilst I have been having chemo. I don't want to be reminded. One thing that really did affect me badly on Friday when I had chemo was the smell of the chemo ward. I could smell it on my coat when I came out and it made me feel really sick. I am going to have to get used to that as that is where I will be going to have my Herceptin. It is really funny how the mind works - I am living proof of mind over matter if positive thinking is anything to go by.

Day 140

I feel really yuck. I was so tired this morning I went back to bed after seeing the little fella to school but I could not sleep. The nausea is continual, looking forward to that wearing off! So, to sum me up right now, I look green, shattered and bald. I wonder if Loreal will give me a contract?! I am going to have an early night tonight, bed is the only thing I am good for at the moment. Still no pain though so not all bad!

Day 139

Well, I have had my ECG and....my results are normal!!! Hurrah!!!! My heart has not been damaged by the chemo. Fantastic news! Have had my consent form signed by the doctor for my Herceptin, green light go for the 21st December. Apart from feeling green from the chemo, I am feeling fantastic, the sun is shining and I can nearly see the end of this tunnel. No more chemo. My heart is in normal condition. I have a lot to be thankful for. Oh yes - no pain from the lump area for the first time since June!

Day 138

Feeling about as bad as I have ever felt today, not surprising, had six rounds of chemo now. I am still in my pyjamas! I slept for nearly ten hours last night and I have just woken up after another two. Doing what I used to do when I was poorly as a child, sleeping to make me better and then eating potatoes as comfort food. It was really horrible outside this morning when I woke up, mirrored how I was feeling. Blue skies now.

Day 137

It has finally sunk in today that I am not having any more chemo. If I was not feeling so totally wasted I would be doing a jig! I am very breathless, going upstairs is a real challenge but I know it is only temporary. Not feeling too sickly, had honey on toast for breakfast which does me the world of good. Found it difficult to get to sleep last night even though I had a tablet but then slept through give or take for about eight hours so not complaining. I really have very little to complain about, I think I have got away with this very lightly - here's hoping I have got away with it. I have spoken to a couple of ladies recently who have really been to hell and back with this. One was told she had a healthy breast removed and the other had her lymph nodes removed in her left arm and now has dreadful swelling in her entire arm and hand. I have lost my hair, big deal. I suppose remaining positive thoughout this has really helped me more than I have realised. It has been easy to remain positive with all the support I have. My little boy said last night he was really proud of me because I have finished my medicine, bless him. I am ok, just full of nasty chemicals - looking at cranberry juice is a real problem because one of the chemo drugs is bright red - funny how the mind works!

Day 136

I have done it!!! I have had my last round of chemo. Thank goodness for that. I am feeling ok, managed to have a little celebration boogie as I walked out of the hospital. This round was harder to swallow if you like but I have done it. Have just had a bit of a blub, relief I think that it's all over. I am going to have a sleep now, rest up, let the magic potions do their job. They have also got me participating in a clinical survey because of my age, trying to see if there is any genetic reason as to why I got this. Well, apart from a great aunt on my mother's side who smoked like a trooper and then got lung cancer, I am it. I don't think there is a genetic link, I was just unlucky. Or lucky, depending on your perspective and you all know what mine is!

Day 135

I am feeling totally shattered but considering I have just done six hours in the office, dragged myself around Morrison's and just pulled in and put away all the shopping, I think that is totally allowed! I slept like a baby last night, nine hours straight through. I think that was the result of yesterday's news, I am feeling more relaxed about my condition but I am not going to become complacent, still eating healthily. I am going to try and do more exercise once I am feeling less tired too. I have put a stone on since August when I started chemo. That is quite common and expected. That is a combination of steroids, eating what I am able to and possibly a little of it is down to a tiny bit of chocolate that I may have eaten! Hey, I think I am allowed to have a treat once in a while. I am not going to be at work now until the 10th December which incidentally is when my decree absolute comes through for my divorce! I am going to have a lot to celebrate this Christmas! Last chemo tomorrow - hurrah!

Day 134

Well, I had my oncology appointment today. I walked into the hospital and was asked by a another patient if I worked there - guess that means I don't look like a patient! I had a look at my blood marker graph - it has come down so far now I am now categorised as 'normal'. The first time I have been called normal for a while. I asked about my hair growing back, that too is normal. I asked about my monthly functions being erratic. Not only is that normal, it also means I am still fertile. Although I don't want any more children, it will certainly help when I am older. The doctor had a check of my breast, he could not find the lump either, thinks my breast looks normal. GUESS WHAT?! I am NORMAL!!!!! Hurrah!!! I don't need the operation, I don't need radiotherapy and I don't need to see my oncologist until April! All I need now is to have a good echo examination on Monday and I have green light go for Herceptin. Keep your fingers crossed for me. I have come a long way since the 18th July, I feel like I am coming down the other side of the hill now. I could not have done this without all the incredible support I have received and some very special people. You have helped me remain positive through all of this and my divorce - I am still smiling! I have said it before, no doubt I will say it again - I am a very lucky girl. Thank you. You will never know how much you mean to me - but I think you have a good idea!

Day 133

Managed to do a full day at work today - it's amazing what a good night's sleep can do for you! I am starting to get a little nervous about my oncology appointment tomorrow, I really don't know what to expect. Considering this is only the third time I have seen my oncologist, the last time was after only two rounds of chemo but I have spoken to him a couple of times in between. Also having bloods taken tomorrow. I don't know if they have to take blood before I have Herceptin, so tomorrow could be the last time for a while that I have that done. I have noticed I have a little ridge running over my left wrist where my vein is, the one that I had chemo through four times. My wrist is nowhere near as painful as it used to be or swollen but I still can't stretch my arm out all the way. That will come with time, I am sure. I found out today what palleative care means. It does not mean that I can't be cured, it means that I am being treated with medicine instead of surgery, it's an umbrella term used to cover medicine care. My hair is really growing now, I can actually pull it a bit at the back -and it does not come out!! I am getting better. I had the radio on at work today and I really wanted to boogie!

Day 132

As predicted, this week is leaving me feeling tired already. Such a difference from last week! BUT! Determined not to let it get me down, feeling ok. Considering I have been awake since 2.30am, not doing too badly at all! I should be fast asleep now, but I am wide awake and talking to you, happy to be here. I am starting to plan for Christmas now, looking forward to Christmas Eve. It's my favourite day of the year, full of magic and I love being tucked away for the day. Traditionally, it has been the day for my annual haircut! I usually have my hair permed on Christmas Eve, for two reasons. It is usually the furthest day from going back to work with scary hair and it also keeps me out of shops, stopping me from last minute panic buying. WELL! Don't have to do that this year, do I?! I can panic buy to my hearts content. Just think of the money I am saving on perms, colours and specialist anti scary shampoos! Instead, I am going to save it up and treat myself to a pamper day I think once this is all over. Watched 'White Diamond' last night, Kylie Minougue's documentary about her return to concerts after beating breast cancer. She is a one woman dynamo and an inspiration to us all. Now if she can do a concert to 10,000 people after her diagnosis, there is going to be no stopping me!

Day 131

Slept much better last night, slept all the way through for about seven hours then topped up with another two, so feeling a lot better today. Only five more days to go until my last chemo, this time next week I know I will be feeling fairly revolting but I am not complaining. It would be a different story if the chemo hadn't worked, that would be awful, to go through that for nothing. I can understand now why some people refuse the chemo. I have been on the Macmillan website again, there was a comment posted by a lady who has the same type of cancer as me who was feeling very frightened as she did not know anybody with it. It was really good to be able to reassure her, to let her know that it is possible to come out the other side of this still feeling very positive. She also agreed with me that she knew what I meant by feeling lucky to be loved. That feels wonderful. A special thank you to my friend in Holland who sent me some very good words of encouragement this morning, made me feel a lot better. That and lots of cuddles and laughs this afternoon have gone a long way to making my day special. I have been feeling a little down over the last few days, feeling much better now. I have my ridiculous grin back on!

Day 130

Feeling very tired today, slept really badly last night. Woke up far too early this morning! It's also well past my bedtime now so I am going to bid you good night and hope for a good night's sleep tonight. Hope you all had a good day.

Day 129

Resting today, curled up under my blanket this afternoon on the sofa and fell asleep. I slept all the way through last night without a sleeping tablet too so again, all positive. The other thing I have noticed is that I smell like me again - in the first stages of having chemo, my skin smelled really different, not like me at all. Although I do feel a little tired today, considering I have done a full week, I am feeling fine. I want to see my scan images next Wednesday, my before and afters. I could not bring myself to look at the original scan, it would have meant seeing it was real. Now, I can't wait to see how the cancer has died, so my attitiude towards that has changed too, for the better I think.

Day 128

I have done it! I have worked a full week! I have Friday's off so officially, I worked a full week this week. I have not been able to do that for ages. Feeling a little bit tired but nothing I can't cope with. I have the weekend now to top up the old batteries. It will be interesting to see how I do next week. For the last few sessions, the week before chemo has been my worst week, when I have felt the most tired. We shall see. I am actually looking forward to my last session. I have a busy week at the hospital next week, I have to have bloods taken on the Wednesday first thing, then I have an appointment with my oncologist, chemo on Friday and then I have an EEG booked in for the following Monday, to check my heart is ok to take Herceptin. Fingers crossed. Somebody reading this said that she thought having cancer was just a hiccup in her life - what a fantastic attitude! That is exactly how I feel too. Now I just have to get rid of the hiccups!

Day 127

Guess what?! Another full day in the office and I am feeling brilliant. A friend pointed out to me that this is the first time after chemo that I have come back to work after my ex has moved out. I am not using energy on being stressed at home, I am relaxed and happy and look at the difference! I was dancing in the office this afternoon! All the stress has gone and I am feeling wonderful. I spoke to a few people today who I have not spoken to in a little while, to be told how nice it is to hear my voice was truly lovely. The only thing I am worried about now is overfacing people with my enthusiasm for life! I feel so alive and it feels incredible. Now I know the real meaning to being high on life!

Day 126

Managed another full day at work! I am on a roll! I was on my own in the office for most of the day but I enjoyed myself. It was very satisfying to be able to go through my in-tray, tackling and completing each task. The difference today though was that I left the office this evening having left myself a task for tomorrow, something the old me would never have done. Before, I would have pushed myself to clear my desk before the end of the day. I think I have a much healthier attitude to my work load now. If I was to say I am feeling more and more like the old me, that would not be quite right. I am the old me with upgrades! The result is that I am not over tired but I know I will sleep tonight - I managed last night without a tablet, I strongly suspect I will do the same tonight. I feel fab!

Day 125

Feeling brilliant, had a really good day at work, so good to be back among my friends. I managed to do a full day and I did not start to get tired until nearly 4pm, which I think is fair, most people start to get tired at the end of the working day. I am not too tired now either, feeling more and more like I am becoming match fit again. I feel now is the time to tell you the reason why my perspective on life has changed so much. I always used to be a bit of a hippy chick, enjoying the beauty of nature and I have always valued my friends and family. I now know I will never, ever take anything for granted again. This is hard for me to tell you, and some of you will find this hard to hear, but the reason I feel so alive is because I had prepared myself for dying. I had made peace with the fact that I may not survive this and the only thing that really broke my heart was the thought that I would have to leave you, to leave behind the people I love so much and to miss out on all the fun! Now you can understand why I see so much beauty in everything around me, why right now I feel as if I have finally found myself. When I was told that the chemo was working, the reason I cried was because although I had made peace, it made me realise how much I wanted to live, to be with the ones I love for as long as I can. Thank you for loving me back.

Day 124

Slept much better last night, think my body just gave in. I am really feeling the cold at the moment, it's surprising how much your hair keeps you warm! Still not needed a nap which is a good sign that I am getting better. I have rested up properly this time, made a huge difference to how I am feeling.

Day 123

Feeling very tired today, did not sleep at all well last night. I have tablets to help me counteract the sickness which also help me sleep. I do not like to take them once the nausea has worn off, tried to sleep without one last night but had to give in at 1am to take one. I was then awake at 6am, so hardly surprising I am feeling tired. It's half four at the moment and I could quite cheerfully crawl under my duvet!

Day 122

Woke up at half four this morning, had a poke of the lump and guess what - I can't find it! I know where it was yesterday, it appears to have melted! I kept poking in different directions, still nothing! Could not get back to sleep then but I am not too tired now, in fact, I have not felt the need for a nap all week. I cleaned the house from top to bottom today, taking it steady. I also had to visit the dentist today, she said my mouth has not suffered with the chemo at all - it can make the soft tissue in your mouth dry and sore. Fortunately, I have not suffered from this at all. I feel the need to pinch myself, I have lived with this lump for so long now. Was treated to the most spectacular sunset this evening, poetic symmetry. What was really good though was telling the man I love that I can't feel the lump anymore - his reaction was better than mine!

Day 121

Woke up this morning feeling a lot better, not feeling nauseous. I had a poke of the lump and dare I say it, it feels half the size it was last week! I must admit, I was getting a little worried last week as it had not appeared to have shrunk that much after the fourth round of chemo. I have had more pain this time, it seems to correlate with shrinkage. I am guessing the lump is about 2-3mm across, getting more and more difficult to find it now. It is certainly not as raised as it used to be or as deep. I felt different this morning too, feel as if I am healing. It would appear that having lots of rest has done the trick, instead of going back into work straight away. I have not had any cravings at all this time, I am just eating loads of vegetables which I do anyway. Still keeping my fingers crossed though!

Day 120

Feeling a little bit better today, resting up certainly the only option at the moment. I am better than yesterday, hopefully tomorrow I will be feeling better than today. Not feeling as sick but could quite cheerfully go into hibernation! Feeling the cold now as well - thinking of carpeting my head to keep it warm! Mmm, could start a new trend in ear carpets! Letting my body rest. My left breast is very painful at the moment, not felt pain like this since my first round of chemo. Had a little poke of the lump, it's hard to tell if anything is going on as yet, will wait until things have settled down a little before I can see if any progress is being made. Fingers crossed.

Day 119

Feeling a bit sorry for myself today, have not managed to go far from the sofa today. I was poorly this morning for the first time, not bad considering it has taken five rounds of chemo to do this to me! I am going to have a warm bath tonight and snuggle down under my duvet. Still feeling positive within myself, I had the most beautiful message from a friend in Holland, made me feel very humble. The sky tonight was beautiful, new moon and the sky looked like folds of velvet. Reminds me of my favourite poem:-

He wishes for the cloths of heaven

Had I the heavens' embroidered cloths,
Enwrought with golden and silver light,
The blue and the dim and the dark cloths
Of night and light and the half-light,
I would spread the cloths under your feet:
But I, being poor, have only my dreams;
I have spread my dreams under your feet;
Tread softly, because you tread on my dreams.
-- William Butler Yeats

Day 118

Feeling very queasy today, probably the most sickly I have felt yet. Also feeling intermittently hot and cold, so taking it easy. I find very plain food seems to help, as soon as I have something even vaguely exciting like salad cream, it makes me feel sick, so going to stick to simple things. Just a short entry today, very tired.

Day 117

Rememberance Day - I am dedicating my blog today in the memory of all those brave men and women who have fought and lost their lives, for their belief that they are fighting to make this world a better place for people like me to live in. I watched the film 'Sunshine' in April, before I was diagnosed with cancer. It is a film about a crew of men and women who are sent into space to reignite our dying sun. I did not really get it at the time. I watched it again last weekend and it blew me away. It is about the strength of the human spirit, the need to ensure that the world that we live in survives and is a safe place for our children to grow up in. Although I am fighting my own personal fight with this illness, I do not feel brave, although I have been called brave. I feel lucky. I have discovered how incredible the human spirit can be, how strong we are and how utterly breathtaking the world is that we live in. I only wish that we could all live in harmony, so that no more lives have to be lost in the name of war. I will never forget.

Day 116

Not taking the steroids so feeling a little bit more queasy than I have done in the past, but popping the anti-sickness tablets seems to be working. I have had a lovely message from a lady in Holland via this blog - hello Bryher! I have tried to take it easy today but I have still managed to do a little light decorating. I have noticed my cheeks are really rosy red today, looking like the Ready Brek kid again! Bryher, if you wanted to raise funds for a charity, I would like to raise funds for the Big C centre in Norwich. They provide a sanctuary and invaluable services for people like you and me. I wish that you were as lucky as me in having such a facility - or perhaps you could raise money to create your own? They provide alternative therapies such as massage, reflexology, spare hair and pampering sessions, as well as support and access to other groups. A wonderful service that I am blessed to have. I am going to take it easy over the next few days, feeling kitten like again - and I don't mean cute and fluffy. Well, maybe!

Day 115

Round five of chemo done and dusted. They had problems finding a good vein this time - the one I have been having it through the last four times has collapsed, which would explain why my arm has been so painful. I had four canulas in me at one point, trying to get one that works! Did have a bit of a cry this time, just got emotional from being a pincushion, having the chemo - it makes me shudder at the memory of it now and the fall out of quite a stressful week. I am allowed to have a little cry, it does make you feel better! And so does shopping afterwards and buying something for me for a change, I think I deserve a treat! I am going to have a sleep now, let the medicine do it's job. Oh, and my liver and kidney functions are....normal!

Day 114

An extremely busy day at work, quite stressful but when I got out of the office, I was smiling. It was good to be thinking about something other than having chemo tomorrow. I was doing what I love best, helping people and keeping the office on track. I did not do it on my own, it is good being part of a team that works so well together. It was also lovely when a member of that team phoned me up on their rest day just to see how I was doing as we have not seen each other all week. Feeling extremely tired but satisfied that I have done a good days work.

Day 113

Another busy day, I have been awake since 4.30am today, no wonder I am feeling so tired. Not looking forward to Friday, the thought of having chemo is starting to make me feel sick. I had bloods taken again today in preparation, it does not hurt at all now. I want to know what my markers are doing, if they have come down again. Feeling very well in myself, been busy tidying again. He has taken all the rest of his belongings, my home is finally a safe haven. I am guilty of dancing around the kitchen this evening!

Day 112

Very tired today, but then I have been fairly manic trying to get my house back to normal. I must learn, as I have been told, not to pull too much on my reserves. Slept all the way through last night for about nine hours but could do with going to bed now! Looking forward to going back to work tomorrow, seeing my friends. I have had to pull on them quite a bit over the last couple of days - so glad I have them.

Day 110 & 111

I was so tired last night I forgot to write to you, sorry! I have had a very busy two days getting my house back to normal. I still have a long way to go but I am feeling driven, I want to stamp my mark on my house. I was thinking this morning about what the doctor said about the patient being the best way of telling of their progress. I have no pain in the liver area now at all, my breast is nowhere near as painful as it used to be, my arm is feeling better although I still cannot stretch it out straight and I am looking more and more like a fluffy duck in the hair department. I am feeling really well, if a little tired. At the moment, I am stripping wallpaper! I think I will sleep well tonight, make up for my lack of sleep over the last few days.

Day 109

I am feeling totally shattered at the moment but very happy - he has finally moved out! Feel like my life is moving in the right direction in both camps. I could not have done this without all the support I have received from my friends, they have all been fabulous and I know how lucky I am to have them. I made several phone calls to family and friends today and not one of them let me down. Thank you.

Day 108

Feeling tired again today but then I have been very busy packing boxes and running up and down stairs all day. I am a little concerned about my current condition - my 'monthly function' has been around for two weeks now - I am sure it has something to do with the fact that it came the same day as my last chemo and my body is just mixed up. That and the fact that my hormone levels have dropped. Might give the doctor a ring next week if it's not gone away. This time next week I will have had round five of my chemo. The weeks are whizzing past so quickly. I just want to get it over and done with now.

Day 107

Today is the Celtic New Year and it seems very apt. I feel as if I am starting again in many ways. I was driving to work this morning and everything looked so beautiful, the sun was shining through the autumn leaves and everything looked as if it had been washed, the colours were all so vivid. I feel as if I am looking at the world through new eyes and it is mind blowing. I sent a joke to my boss the other day, with the tag - this made me giggle. His response? Everything makes you giggle! I feel so happy, lucky and alive. I know I have still got a long way to go, but I am feeling so positive. I have just been in to see my friend who told me that someone is watching over me to tell her the good news- her husband is the one who predicted I would go through somehting major when I was 34. She let me have the most beautiful citrine necklace - citrine is believed to have healing properties and rids the body of toxins. I took one look at it and she said I had to have it. I can feel it hot on my chest now but the stone is cold. Thank you - you said today I have made your year with my news - now I have a radiant stone to go with my smile!

Day 106

Paying the price for working a full day yesterday - I am shattered. Managed to work until lunchtime before having to go home and go to bed. I did not sleep very well last night either, woke up at half three and I was then awake until about half five, just managed to get cosy again and then alarm went off! Grrrr! Never the less, still feeling very happy, contented and full of life - I think I have an excess of life at the moment! Singing my heart out in the car at every opportunity and nothing is getting me down - not even grumpy ex-husbands!

Day 105

Managed a full day at work today! Feeling more and more like myself, my concentration levels are back up and I am feeling more in control. My arm is also not hurting as much as it used to, but still cannot straighten it out. Not feeling too tired. At present, am more fed up with soon to be ex-husband. Cannot wait to get rid of that malignant lump too! Sounds harsh but those of you who know me will know what he has put me through over the years. The light at the end of the tunnel is coming closer though, he is currently packing his things with the intention of moving out at the weekend. On a lighter note, a truly beautiful autumn day today, the leaves are all turning into their reds and golds, the sky was blue and it really does make me glad to be alive. I am looking forward to having my life back and sharing it with the people who matter the most to me.

Day 104

Really good day today, had my third free massage courtesy of the hospital - this time I saw beech leaves blowing in the wind and blue skies with fluffy white clouds - such a hippy chick! Loved being at work today with my friends. Also had a phone call from Karen, my oncology nurse. She has said that I don't have to take the steroids at all now as I am not being sick which is fabulous - they make me feel worse than the chemo does! And the icing on the cake? My doctor has said I will be starting on Herceptin on the 21st December. Why is that so good? A very significant day for me - it's the Winter Solstice. My life will be restarting on one of my favourite days of the year. In addition to that, I have been told that my Herceptin is going to be given to me with no limit on time - I can have it for as long as I need it. Fantastic news. I feel very protected and safe - someone is looking after me. Thank you.

Day 103

Another good day, drove back again today so arm feeling sore and tired, but apart from that, all well. Started to take my echinacea again today, have had a little break over the last couple of weeks. I have a bit of a cough but nothing to write home about, only to be expected for the time of year. I have had very late nights for me the last couple of nights but I am sat here now, not feeling tired at all. I think I will have an early night tonight though, don't want to kick the backside out of it.

Day 102

Feeling better and better every day - even my hair is making a firm come back! I can actually pull it at the back - and it does not come out! If it was not for my left arm hurting like a hurty thing - it feels like a chinese burn - I would be feeling totally tickety boo. But hey, this girl is not complaining. I must admit, I am really not looking forward to round five of chemo, simply because I know it is going to hurt and make me feel pants again, but in the same way, I want to get this over and done with now. I am feeling excited about things I want to do - I am looking forward to redecorating my house for example. I just want to get on with it!

Day 101

Generally feeling totally tickety boo - managed to drive for an hour and a half, go shopping for a good three hours and walk a really good stretch today without feeling too bad at all. Got a little breathless going up hill but nowhere near as bad as I was. My left arm is still really painful, driving that distance just about did it for me, but taking it easy now. I have had a really brilliant week, spent lots of time with the people I love and had the best news I have had in a long time. Still feeling very lucky and happy. I have a lot to be happy about at the moment. I had a good feel of the lump in my breast this morning, it's getting harder and harder to locate the edges and it's softer. I still have an ache in my side but that too is slowly going away, not aware of it as much. I am a very happy girl!

Day 100

I can't believe it has been one hundred days since I was diagnosed - it feels a lot longer. I am guilty of giggling in the night - could not get to sleep last night, I was swinging between giggling to myself to crying - emotional fall out. Feeling extremely lucky today. It was so good to be able to go into work and spread a little happiness and tell my friends the good news. Had a really good long chat with one of my friends, chatting about how this experience has changed my perspective on life. I am a different person now. I have had to learn patience for a start! I don't worry about trivial things anymore, I value everyone around me a lot more and I take genuine and total pleasure in the little things that are done for me and I feel so, so lucky. I am counting my blessings I suppose. I hope that I never take anything for granted again.

Day Ninety Nine

As I am writing this, I am totally overwhelmed with emotion. I have the results of my MRI today. The tumours on my liver are significantly smaller, the chemotherapy is working. I can't stop crying, I am so relieved, thankful and bizarrely, guilty. You see, a good friend told me last night that her husband has been diagnosed with bowel cancer. I feel guilty that I should be feeling this lucky. My thoughts are with you, now is your time to be brave too. I hope your fight is as successful as mine has been. The doctors words were "Good news from your MRI", after that, I don't remember much other than they are going to keep me on my current regime, scanning me again after the sixth chemo and then starting me on intravenous Herceptin as planned. Thank God. Thank you all of you too for your unswaying support, encouragement and protection. My fight has not been won yet but my troops are rallying, I am in it for the long haul. There are angels that walk among us, I am indebted to you forever.

Day Ninety Eight

Feeling better today, still want to sleep around the clock but my arm is less swollen and I am not feeling as nauseous. I really could sleep for Britain right now. My jeans are getting tighter - side effects of having steroids and eating what I am able to! But hey, I am entitled! It's only half six and I am ready for bed already, but I try to stay awake until about nine or I wake up too early. I try to hibernate this time of year anyway, swear I have hamster genes!

Day Ninety Seven

Definitely feeling worse for wear today. Woke up this morning and my left arm is killing me, got pain all the way down from my wrist to my elbow and it's swollen up like a balloon. I have been to see the doctor, he is not worried at the moment, I have a good strong pulse, it just looks as if the veins have been aggravated by the chemo. I have to keep an eye on it. Typical, my first visit to the doctor since starting chemo and it's for a sore arm! I have the familiar ice cube in my tummy feeling which is horrible and the cravings have finally kicked in - potatoes and sugar! I am craving carbohydrate which I always do when I am feeling poorly, I also want sugary drinks such as cola and ribena - I really have reverted to my childhood self medication - mashed potato and cola! To me that is a sign that my body is again trying to heal. I am feeling very tired, despite the fact that I slept for nearly twelve hours last night. If I was looking for signs that chemo is taking its toll on my body, I am finally getting them. BUT! Still smiling, not giving in to it altogether, still trying to keep things normal. I do need to rest this time, I am fully intend to or else I am going to get into trouble!

Day Ninety Six

Feeling a lot more weak today, which seems to be the pattern. Breathless and a bit more nauseous, lot more tired. If I take the sleeping tablets two nights in a row, which I have done, it seems to accumulate. I am not going into work tomorrow so I can have a good long sleep. My parents have got my little man for the week too being half term so going to take advantage and rest as much as possible. I only have myself to look after this week so can go to bed as early as I like if needs be. My appetite has not diminished but still not craving protein. Logic says that there is not so much to repair this time. I forgot to tell you about my blood results on Friday - had such a busy day! My blood results are - normal! My markers from my liver enzymes are 51 - normal is 0-50! My liver function is normal and for some reason, they have also been monitoring my hormone levels - I did not know they were doing this. They normally only do that if its a gynaecological cancer, but my hormone levels have plummeted too which may expalin why my 'monthly functions' are back to normal too. My platelets are also normal too. All really brilliant news. All I need now are the results from the MRI. I have no pain in the liver department at all now but my left breast is really painful. I had a feel of the lump this morning, its much softer apart from a hard bit in the middle, which I suppose is the core. Finding it harder and harder to locate the edges now, they are really sloping off. So, am going to have a lovely lazy afternoon, relax, eat lots of chocolate and watch mindless tv like a good girl!

Day Ninety Five

Feeling not too bad today, went to bed last night at half eight feeling pretty revolting, woke up this morning and no nausea at all! Those tablets I take are brilliant, sort me out good and proper. Have had a lovely day, spent most of it in the cinema catching up on films I want to see with my little man, which is actually a good way of getting me to sit down and do nothing, so not a bad thing. Have taken my steroids for the day, breathless and heart pounding but nothing too major. I am not craving anything at the moment food wise other than salt and fizzy drinks but that is to counteract the sickness. I read something today on the Macmillan website, apparently dairy products are not good for cancer. You can read so many different things, what's good, what isn't, but I am going to try and cut down on them just while I am having chemo, anything that helps has got to be good. I already have soya milk, my only vice dairy wise is cheese. I can feel the breeze in my hair! It tickles and its nice. I really am feeling better in myself, my body appears to be functioning more normally, my left breast is quite painful at the moment - car seat belts hurt but not complaining, tells me the good fight is still being fought.

Day Ninety Four

What a day! Got to the hospital for half nine for MRI appt at ten, only to be told there was an hours waiting time. Hey ho! So after dressing in some very fetching gowns (chilly!) was then prepped for the scan. It looks awesome, very Star Trek. I had to remove everything apart from knickers and socks, including my glasses and my spare hair. The team were wonderful, very caring. You have heavy plates over you, I got all four so they made sure they caught all of my liver. I had an injection then as well but its different to the CT one -it doesn't contain iodene which may have been my trigger for my allergic reaction last time. I was asked if I am allergic to shellfish, I can't eat crab so that may explain what happened last time. It is incredibly tight in the scanner, my right arm fell asleep as it was resting on one of the plates. I had my eyes closed the entire time, does not make you feel so claustrophobic. You have to hold your breath while the scanner takes the images. After an hour of controlled breathing, I was quite relaxed but exhausted. Then round to the chemo clinic for round four of chemo. Much more painful this time, that old vein is getting very tired so they will have to go in somewhere else for the next two rounds. Its so good to know that I have done four, two to go, downhill stretch now. There was another lady in there with me, she started her chemo at the same time as me. She left with a huge bag of medication, she is having problems with her mouth and wearing deodorant. I told the nurse that I have not actually been sick yet, she asked me if I was taking two other types of medication as well as the ones I am on, I replied no. She was really impressed, said I was taking the chemo really well. I have learnt very quickly how to manage my symptoms. I still say that being younger, fairly fit and healthy and having a very positive attitude goes a long way to my handling the chemo and then my recuperation. I suspect this time I am going to feel a lot more tired, going to take it easy. Can already hear my heart beating, need to take care of that too.

Day Ninety Three

My eyes are still feeling very tired but other than that I am ok - had my bottom kicked when I got into work today, had the "Yes dear!" conversation with my boss, but I still won't do as I'm told! He would not expect anything less. Thanks guys for looking after me. Phoned my friend in another department who asked me how I was doing, I replied fine and then he said "So why were you sent home on Tuesday!" No escaping my friends and their concern for my welfare. It really is the 'British' response. That's why I have my blog so I can tell it how I really am feeling. I am basically ok. Round four of chemo tomorrow and my MRI scan - or as my mother said, my MFI scan - Dad asked how I felt about being flatpacked! Not phased about chemo now and my friend has challenged me to fall asleep during my MRI - think it could be a strong possibilty considering I have to take my anti-sickness tablet just before I get in there, an hour in a warm cocoon might just finish me off!

Day Ninety Two

Feeling very tired today still, spent most of today in bed. Had bloods taken today in preparation for chemo on Friday, three weeks seems to go by so quickly! My eyes are so tired but found it difficult to get to sleep last night, brain was whizzing. Looking forward to half term next week, my little man is going to stay with my mum and dad so will have the house to myself so I can take it easy - no early morning starts hopefully. Have a bit of a rest.

Day Ninety One

Got a reminder today of how poorly I really am - my eyes started to play up today. If you can imagine a tv screen and the pixels are breaking up and you get really pretty colours, that is what I was seeing today. Really frightened me. It wore off after about half an hour and then I went home, hit the sofa and woke up an hour and a half later - I never sleep that long on the sofa. I would have slept longer if I had not woke myself up snoring! I said yesterday that my eyes were tired and I had a headache too, so lesson learnt. I must not kick my own backside or else I get it kicked. I am absolutely fine now, headache has gone, I obviously just needed the sleep. I must admit, I did not want to get up today, was all warm and cosy and wanted to stay under my duvet. Roll on the weekend!

Day Ninety

Feeling really tired today, but as always, it's just my eyes, not my brain. My eyelids feel really heavy. I have noticed that I seem to feel the most tired in the week before chemo, it's like everything catches up with me. Still managed to do nearly a full day at work and I slept extremely well last night, nine hours straight through so not too worried. Think another early night is on the cards tonight, my bed looks so inviting!

Day Eighty Nine

Took it a lot more sedately today, well, if you can call two loads of washing, stripping a kingsize bed and preparing a chicken casserole before breakfast sedate! Feeling a little tired now, but then I did go to bed at midnight last night, so I think that's justified. My hair is trying to grow back. If you look at it closely, it has a kink half way down the hair shaft and it changes colour - I can only assume that it's hair B.C. - before chemo and hair A.D. - after dripfeed! It's dark brown at the end and almost white blonde at the roots. I am saying white blonde in case I am coming back grey! My eyebrows are still hanging in there but they are very dry and nowhere near as scary as they used to be! I now know the ache in my side was more than likely muscular - I hurt it again yesterday lifting food shopping in from the car, but that is actually a relief. I am not using my left arm as much because it's still a bit sore from the chemo so I am over compensating on my right side. Perhaps I really am more of a blonde than I first suspected...!

Day Eighty Eight

Definitely getting my energy back, but aware that I must not kick the bottom out of it or I will be set back again. Have just finished tidying my garden for the winter, enjoying the autumn sunshine and generally feeling brilliant. Bumped into a friend who I have not seen for a while, had to break the news to her - we were both stood there trying our hardest not to cry. It really is the hardest thing about being 'ill', telling people. She is also waiting to see the doctor, she keeps losing feeling in her hands, so she is worrying that there is something wrong with either her spine or her brain. I told her not to dwell on worst case scenarios, it could be something not so nasty, she has been under a lot of stress lately. She said I was being really brave. I don't feel really brave. I think the people around me who are looking out for me from day to day are braver, I am just getting on with it from day to day. That's all I can do. But I am really making sure that I am getting the most out of every day. Not going to let this stop me from having fun!

Day Eighty Seven

Feeling really good today, had a good nights sleep although been awake since half four. I seem to be getting my energy back which is great, feel like cooking proper meals in the evening instead of settling for a jacket potato with cheese and mushy peas - my comfort food! My hair is definitely coming back and its really soft, like baby hair and my scalp is not hurting anymore with this regrowth so I am going to leave it alone. I have ordered a head massager, get the blood flow going round my head, see if I can't encourage it to grow a bit quicker! Another sign that I might take that I am getting better is my cat, Willow. For a while she had been my constant companion, sitting in the kitchen with me or permanently trying to get on my lap. She has stopped doing this and gone back to sitting on the window ledge again - they do say animals know more than we do when we are poorly, dogs can smell skin cancers. I am also feeling more like myself, more in control of my emotions and fears and feeling self confident, not worrying about trivial things. I just want to hold my head up high and take on the world!

Day Eighty Six

The ache in my side is hardly noticeable now, which is good. I spoke to my oncologist nurse today, told her about my worries. She said that just because I am feeling well, it does not mean the chemo is not working - I am just lucky. She says she knows of other people who have their chemo who are then at work like me, in the shops or whatever the next day. I told her that I think the lump is shrinking in my breast, that it's gone from a cough lozenge shape to a sucked cough lozenge shape - that made her laugh! She asked if it's feeling softer, which it is. It used to be bullet hard, which it isn't anymore. She went through my blood results again and she said that they are all looking normal and she also explained about Herceptin. Again, it will be intravenous, every three weeks like my chemo, but less damaging with no side effects. She knows of ladies who have their treatment and then go straight to work. It is also common for hair to grow back between sessions as my body recovers from the chemo. Feeling a lot less scared now. Also, if the chemo isn't working on my liver, which is what I am worried about, they will switch my drugs - there are loads of available chemo drugs at the moment and they may even introduce Herceptin straight away. I will be on that for at least a year, minimum, but they can keep you on that for years if necessary. The wonders of modern medicine! I don't like to think about the alternative, what I would be facing without Herceptin right now. I was listening to John Denver today - tell anyone and you're toast - and my favourite song, Annie's Song. There is a line in there 'Let me die in your arms'. Whoosh. Automatic tears. It's only to be expected, but the trick is not to let it get to you, just to keep on smiling and take each day, give it a good tickle and laugh! I am here, I am happy and I intend to stay that way.

Day Eighty Five

Feeling a lot better today, the pain in my side has eased off quite a bit. I spoke to my sister last night, she said she thinks it's me healing. I have been fortunate enough never to break a bone so I don't know what it feels like when something is repairing, which is what she thinks is happening. I was craving all that protein last week, which I am not now, and then I get this ache, which has dissipated today, so she may have a point. Had a really good day today actually, laughed so much today. Laughter really is the best medicine. A friend at work was thinking of ways I can shock people with my wig, such as getting it trapped in a door and getting it pulled off, or attaching a fishing line to it and dragging it across the floor! Had me in stitches! Laughter and lots of love are really the key to my feeling so great right now! Lucky me.

Day Eighty Four

Bit of an up and down day today. Visited my friends in the ICT dept today, I now have the capability to work at home which is brilliant, although they did say that knowing me, I won't need to as I am still going into work most of the time. Had them in fits telling them tales of hanging my spare hair out on the line to dry! Lovely people, very grateful for all the help they have given me. I went on the Macmillan website last night, left a few messages of support for other people and a few questions for me. There are some very poorly people out there, and there are some incredibly brave, amazing and caring people out there too. Angels come in many guises. I phoned their helpline today, had a bit of a cry. I am worried about this ache I have in my side. By the end of the chat though I was smiling again. Sometimes you just need to chat to someone who is impartial and have a good cry to make you feel better. There is one lady who replied to my post who is having the same chemo as me, she has not been sick either and she is putting on weight, two of my symptoms. She said the steroids made her feel worse than the chemo did, which is how I felt. She was having nightmares, I have sleeping tablets but I am having the most incredible, real life dreams at the moment, so that is another tick in the box. She said she felt achey too. I have some discomfort in my breast too and that is getting better. I had a good check this morning, dare I say it, I think the lump is less than 1cm big now. I feel as if I am in limbo, waiting for the results of this MRI. I am so scared that it's not working, that the cancer has spread. I know I can't do anything about it, so don't worry about it, that has always been my motto, but it doesn't stop you from feeling scared.

Day Eighty Three

I have got an appointment through for my MRI - a week on Friday, the 19th October at 10 am - an hour before my 4th chemo! Talk about by the skin of your teeth! I am nervous now, half of me wants to have the scan, the other half is terrified that it's going to show the cancer has spread further. Really scared about that. Actually, scared does not cut it. I know my blood results are showing an improvement but this is going to be black and white evidence of how I am really doing. Had my second free massage this afternoon and I didn't really relax, although I was getting lovely images of autumn maple leaves, all reds and goldens. Beautiful. I still have this pain in my right side but I am pretty certain it's over my ribs. I am going to look at the pictures from my scan this time, I couldn't bring myself to look at the ones from my CT - seeing it was acknowledging it was there. Daft, isn't it. Ostrich psychology! I am really interested to see the inside of me!

Day Eighty Two

Every day I am feeling a little bit better, the nausea has finally worn off, not feeling tired so making the most of it and catching up with the housework - what an exciting life I lead! I feel motivated, not wanting to waste the day lying on the sofa, which some would say is probably what I should be doing but hey, carpe diem. I don't feel brave enough to tackle the garden yet, my left wrist is still a little sore so not going to push my luck. Chocolate really seems to alleviate a lot of the symptoms - that is my story and I am sticking with it!

Day Eighty One

Feeling much better today, managed to go out and do some shopping with my sister - last time we went out I could only manage an hour, did nearly four hours today with breaks. Felt a little breathless and tired at the end but still managed to sing all the way home - we are both HUGE Bon Jovi fans! She had not seen me with my spare hair until now - she loved it. I showed her all the other ones too, we had some fun, she tried them on as well - they definitely suit me more though! We had some fun looking at more on eBay too - she has very striking auburn hair, lucky girl, she liked red wigs but I found a very pretty blue one which I might wear to my Christmas works dinner! Well, I think everyone will be so puddled they won't even notice! She took my no hair state very well too, it's good having a little sister!

Day Eighty

Nice lazy day today, just pottering about a bit. I phoned a support group last night, my worries got the better of me. I was curious about what the blood results actually meant. The nurse said that they check for certain enzymes produced by the liver when it is under attack, which mine has been. If these numbers are improving, it shows that my liver function is improving. Made me feel a little better. I have been put forward for an urgent MRI scan - hope it comes through soon. Still feeling a little nauseous today, it's the one symtom from chemo that is taking longer and longer to wear off. Apparently, the fatigue can take up to a year to go away - I hope not! I already want to hibernate in the winter!

Day Seventy Nine

Really feeling fab today, good music on the stereo, smiled all the way into work - hope I make people wonder what I am grinning about! Have so much to smile for, as people are finding out about this I am getting so many messages of support, it's very hard to get down about things. I feel so alive! The only thing I am sad about is that my boss has said he is moving onto pastures new - he has been more than a boss to me over the last few years, he has been an incredible support to me in so many different things in my life, the most recent obviously being my illness and my divorce. He is such a good friend, I know I am going to miss him terribly. BUT! We must do what is right for us, no matter how hard the decision is.

I have just had a phone call from my oncologist - my blood results are improving! In his words, if I am feeling well, that is a good sign. He says that patients are the best indicators of what is going on, blood results are just an indicator. He is going to book me in for my MRI but I will probably have my next round of chemo first. I am too scared to uncross my fingers. I think the pain in my right side may be muscular, it seems to be over my ribs. Logic says if I am feeling fabulous, I must be getting better. The problem is, I never felt unwell in the first place. I am not going to be able to relax until I have had the scan done, but if I tick things off, my breast is looking better, I am not having 'toilet' problems which I started to have, my last period was more like how I used to be, the lump certainly appears to be getting smaller and most importantly, my health is not deteriorating, it SOUNDS as if I am responding to treatment. Fingers crossed.

Day Seventy Eight

Feeling less nauseous today but more tired, listening to my body and not overdoing it. I definitely feel as if something is happening, feeling stronger despite the chemo. My lump has changed shape again, it's becoming harder to find the left side of it now, it's becoming flatter. And it is bullet hard again. People are commenting on how well I am looking - I have the chemo glow! Look like the Ready Brek kid! My skin is not suffering as much this time and I am craving healthy food, lots of protein. My taste buds have changed again, I had to throw out a veggie casserole which I usually love the taste of, I couldn't stomach it at all, but I am craving meat, especially chicken and eggs, seeds and milk. I will rebuild myself! Feel like I am building a suit of armour to protect myself.

Day Seventy Seven

Feeling a bit better today, craving protein on a massive scale - nipped round the shops and before I had even put the shopping away, had a fried egg sandwich on the go - organic egg cooked in safflower oil on seeded batch loaf I hasten to add! But smothered in tomato ketchup! Mmm! My body is trying to rebuild I guess. I was lying in bed last night dreaming about crispy duck! Oh dear, it's like being pregnant and having cravings! But it's amazing, as soon as I finished my sandwich, with a glass of cold milk on the side, I felt so much better. Listen to your body, give it what it wants, that's what I say!

Day Seventy Six

Feeling pretty hideous today, so tired and feeling really sick. Having a down day today, bit tearful. That's what you get for complaining that you are feeling ok! I slept for about nine hours straight through but then had to go back to bed about eleven for another couple of hours. Just taking it easy. I feel breathless and when I go upstairs, I can feel my heart pounding. But believe it or not, I feel better now about the treatment working - anything that makes me feel this bad must be making my lumps feel worse - I hope!

Day Seventy Five

Feeling not too bad at all at the moment, apart from a very sore left hand where the chemo goes in. It feels like I have banged it really hard. I am actually a little bit worried as to how good I am feeling. I know chemo affects everybody differently, some people don't lose their hair, some people just get tired, but I am feeling almost perfectly ok. A little bit nauseous maybe but the tablets are controlling that well. I don't think I am going to be able to relax until I have had the MRI done. I did sleep lots last night, bed at half nine, woke up at half five, pottered about for a bit then back to bed, didn't wake up again until half ten. That was lovely. So maybe I am justified in feeling alright. I almost feel guilty, that I should be feeling this good. I know! I shouldn't be complaining, but it's the psychology of the thing. You are told you are going to feel disgusting, that is how you know the chemo is working, and when you don't....well, we shall just have to wait and see. No point in worrying about it. Deep down, I think I am just built of stronger stuff, able to withstand it a little bit more than some. A force to be reckoned with!

Day Seventy Four

Managing the nausea to perfection now. If I start to feel sick, I have two of my tablets then a huge feed, I don't even have any indigestion at the moment which I usually get with the steroids. There are now visible signs that my body is responding to the treatment - my left nipple, which had virtually sunk right into my breast, the biggest give away that all was not right, is now back and standing proud! My hair is growing back already, my bald patches have stubble - hope you like brunette this time guys! I did some research this morning about stopping menstruating, what happens with chemo. One report says that because I am under 35, even if I do stop, the chances are that I will restart and not be infertile. Ok, so I don't want any more kids, but I also don't want early onset osteoporosis which can occur with early menopause. I have not stopped my periods, in fact, I am back to normal. If these are signs that my body is healing, I am feeling pretty proud of my body right now, feeling quite invincible! I hope this is my body getting back to normal. I am worried about the MRI. Up until now, all the signs have been outward ones. I hope the inside one are just as good. The chemo is not knocking me at all hardly, which is another worry. I feel as if I should be being as sick as a dog right now, but if I think logically, I am young, horribly healthy and I am eating well and taking lots of vitamins, perhaps I am just looking after myself properly. I am feeling strong and ready to finish this off.

Day Seventy Three

Successfully completed round three of chemo. It hurt a lot more this time, the vein is getting tired. I will have to have it another vein next time. Feeling tired but basically ok right now. There was another lady there - it's her 72nd birthday tomorrow- she had a routine operation to take her tonsils out and when they removed them, they found she had cancerous cells. Like I say, everything happens for a reason. She has had radiotherapy on her throat and the poor love could not eat anything. However, she also has not lost her eyebrows or eyelashes through chemotherapy so perhaps I am not so unusual and I don't need to worry that the chemo isn't working as well as it should be. I am going to take my knock out tablet soon and get lots of sleep. I have a funny feeling this round is going to knock me a bit more, but that is ok. I can live with that. Only three more to go. I am going to listen to my body and slow down a little, let the medicine work its magic. No pain as yet, but early days. Oh yes, my father has set up a direct debit to make monthly payments to Cancer Research UK. When I told him how much the Herceptin cost, £20k a year to keep me alive, he said I was like the Loreal advert - I am worth it. He did then go on to say that it was nice to see his taxes being used on a worth while cause. Thanks Dad xx

Day Seventy Two

Feeling much better today, nowhere near as tired as I was yesterday. Blood results were ok, no problem so all systems go for tomorrow. I asked the nurse when my appointment was for my MRI scan, just as well I did, there was no record of a request being made. Oops! Hopefully that will be sorted out within the next couple of weeks as I am supposed to have it before my fourth round of chemo. Looking forward to that, I am really interested to see what my insides look like! Wore my spare, spare hair today, the one that looks like my old hair and felt really good. It's so nice to be able to comb my hair while it's on my head! How many people can check to see what their hair looks like from the back by taking their hair off! Friends are saying that I am looking really good. I am a little bit worried. I did expect to feel a lot worse. I have a funny feeling I may regret that last statement tomorrow after having the next round! I have chicken soup and chocolate at the ready!

Day Seventy One

Feeling absolutely shattered today. I went to bed at half seven last night, slept dead through until half three, awake for about an hour then slept through until half six. Had blood taken at the doctors to check my white cell count then into work for half nine - I had to leave at half one. All the way home all I was thinking about was getting into my bed. I then slept from about two until half four. I got up then because I thought I would not sleep tonight, but you know what? I strongly suspect that I could sleep around the clock at the moment. I have pain in my liver area which as far as I'm concerned, is a good thing. I have had pain in my breast and armpit area and the lumps have diminished there, so logic says, where there is pain, there is shrinkage! I really hope so. For those of you who have been saying that I am looking too well to be getting well, the signs of battle are finally starting to show. No wonder I am tired, I am putting up a very good fight at the moment!

Day Seventy

Feeling a bit better today cough and cold-wise, but very tired. Sleeping like the dead at the moment which is not a bad thing, but I just can't seem to get enough sleep. I would love to go to bed about half seven, that's how tired I am, but if I do that, I wake up at 2am and then I am awake until about 5am. I find if I manage to stay awake until about ten, I then sleep through until about half five, sixish which is more bearable. I don't remember turning my bedside light off, I think I am asleep before my head hits the pillow! Apart from that, I am feeling generally ok. My left wrist is a bit sore, has been since the last round of chemo but that could be something else, have had on and off pain in that area for ages now. I still don't feel as poorly as I probably should, but then I don't 'do' poorly, just get on with it. As long as I listen to my body and slow down a little, I think I am doing ok. Having lots of cuddles certainly helps!

Day Sixty Nine

Woke up this morning and the cold that has been threatening for the last couple of days has finally arrived, with a little cough on top. Feeling not too bad but had the day off work today. The problem I now face is that on Wednesday I am having blood taken in order to ascertain what my white blood cell count is. I am at risk of infection at the moment and if my white count is too low, I cannot have the chemotherapy. And I want my chemotherapy. So I need to avoid coughs and sneezes to a certain degree. My friend from work actually phoned me up this morning to tell me that she had a sore throat - she was worried about being around me, bless her. Fortunately (or unfortunately, depending on your perspective!) I had already let work know I was not going in - so she was ok to! Sorry sweetie! I am not too worried about having the blood taken, there is nothing I can do about it. I either get my treatment on Friday or I don't, simple as that. Fingers crossed that I will be ok.

Day Sixty Eight

Feeling not too bad today, managed to sleep all the way through but I do think my body kind of gave up last night and said 'Enough! You are going to rest!'. Had a really lovely day today, a nice, lazy Sunday with excellent company and even had pudding after dinner, sorry, lunch! I know how to live dangerously! You can never have too much pudding. Recharged my batteries a little but am still going to take it steady - I have my instructions. It's difficult to slow down when you don't feel poorly, but I am still listening to my body. I am not going to push myself, I promise.

Day Sixty Seven

Very brief message today, just got in from a day trip to London so feeling totally exhausted but then I have been up since half four this morning, it is now 10pm so I think anyone would be feeling a bit jiggered now! Speak to you more tomorrow.

Day Sixty Six

Feeling fine today, considering it's the end of the week. This time next week I will have had round three of my chemo - half way there! The weeks seem to be whizzing by at the moment. I have more spare hair and this time it looks more like me. It's lovely. Actually wanted to keep this one on. The spare hair makes my head quite itchy by the end of the day, can't wait to take it off, like your shoes at the end of the day, or if you have a bra that's just a tiny bit too tight. Another thing I have noticed is that I seem to smell different! I mean my skin, not my nose! Just another excuse to have lots of lovely warm baths. It's funny, I used to have baths all the time but when I was diagnosed, I stopped. I think I didn't want to look down at my chest. Since I have been told it's shrinking, I have started having baths again. Daft, I know!

Day Sixty Five

Slept much better last night and feel fabulous today - my eyes are nowhere near as tired as they were yesterday, feel much better, more like me again. The love of a good man and Bon Jovi on my stereo, life just does not get much better than this! Happy girl!

Day Sixty Four

Feeling really tired today and have some discomfort in my liver area - a good sign I hope. Could not drag myself away from the office today, having too much of a giggle! Wore my new spare hair today, boys not sure about it, the girls loved it! I am about to go on eBay and have a look for another one. I prefer curls, feel more like me. Had a call from our Occupational Therapy dept today, asking if they could do anything to help. I was happy to tell them that I am tickety boo, that everything had already been sorted out already. It's good to know that they are there to help if I need them.

Day Sixty Three

Still feeling really tired - I had this last time. It's not my brain that's tired, it's my eyes. I feel as if I have been awake for 24 hours solid but my brain does not want to go to sleep. Feeling cold too which I usually do if I am tired. Autumn is really here now, good job I have new hair from eBay to keep my ears warm! I can have a different hairstyle every month for less than the cost of a haircut!

Day Sixty Two

Feeling really tired today. Had the first of my complementary therapies today. The hospital where I am having my treatment really believes in looking after you throughout your treatment. They supplied me with my spare hair and I also receive four treatments from an aromatherapist, so either massage or reflexology. I had a face and head massage today. It was really, really lovely. I have not had a facial for about fourteen years, so a real treat for me. I almost totally relaxed - those of you who really know me know that relax is not a word in my vocabulary! I felt disembodied, like my head was free floating and at one point I felt as if I was on a beach with a glorious sunset, then in that sunset. It was really different! I might try the reflexology next time, see what strange effect that has on me!

Day Sixty One

Still feeling good, if a little tired. The sick feeling has totally disappeared, I just have to watch out now for lurgies (another technical term). My parents came over today, Mum was shocked when I took off my hair but Dad took it really well. Apparently now I look like an evil mastermind out of James Bond. Mmmm. Mum is handling it ok most of the time, she is fretting a bit but it's her job. My friend found a strange mark on my head last night - no, it wasn't 666, but I am a bit worried about it. It looks like a brown polo mint for want of a better description. It may be a reaction to the chemo, I don't know, so I am going to get it checked out by the doctor as soon as possible. Wouldn't that be typical, the reason that I have had to go through all this is not because I have breast cancer but skin cancer and the only way for me to find out was to lose my hair! Oh dear! In danger of becoming paranoid here!

Day Sixty

Well, another first for me today already! I have just wet shaved my own head! I feel so much better now. The hair that was left behind was getting very tufty and it was rubbing inside my spare hair, so I took the shaving foam and razor to my head and now I am nearly as smooth as a baby's bottom! It feels really nice, smothered my scalp in moisturiser and now I am nice and smood. Smood is a technical term. When I was a little girl, I used to stroke my daddy's face after he had shaved and I would say 'Smood' one way and 'Not smood' the other. That's about as cute as I get! And I have just discovered wigs on e-Bay! I think I am going to keep my head bald and just buy loads of wigs! Really excited, the possibilities are endless, how many people can change their hair colour and style to go with their outfit?!

Day Fifty Nine

Really good day today, feeling more like myself. Pain has increased in the lump and there is a definite itching feeling now, like when something is healing. My doctor called, they are going to keep me on the chemo regime that I am on now - if it's working, don't mess with it. They will then start me on Herceptin in capsule form once that has finished. I am happy with this decision, the chemo is working so let it continue doing it's job. I have given you some music to listen to. The first track by Take That really sums up how I feel, about how this experience has shown me how wonderful people are and how lucky we are. The second track by Bon Jovi always makes me feel better and is along a similar line to the Take That track, and Bon Jovi really have kept my spirits up through this entire experience - thank goodness for rock and roll! The third track by Linkin Park really hit me hard when I heard it. I am a better person for this experience I hope. I am happier with me, I feel calmer and more self assured than I ever have and I have got what I asked for. I am protected and safe.

Day Fifty Eight

It was really good today to be able to tell people some good news for a change! I didn't sleep much last night, I was too excited! Makes a nice change. I had a check this morning in the shower, the lump has definitely shrunk - it is actually visibly smaller now and things are looking more how they should. I thought it had but you are too scared to think it in case you are wrong. Had a look at Herceptin on the interweb - some of those sites are really scary. Apparently I am one of only approximately 20% of breast cancer sufferers who are able to have this drug. It increases survival rates by an amazing amount. The type of cancer that I have is a nasty one, that explains why it has spread so quickly, but with this drug, I have better survival rates. I have said it before, and no doubt I will say it again, aren't I a lucky girl.

Day Fifty Seven

What a difference a day makes! Just got back from hospital and seeing my oncologist. The news couldn't be better. He examined me and said that my lump is now only 1cm big - it has shrunk by a third after two treatments! I can have Herceptin, which will be my maintenance drug for, as the good doctor put it, many years to come. And the chances are that I won't need to have the mastectomy. What a turn of events! He has another lady who is very similar to me who's lump has disappeared entirely with the chemo regime that I am on as well. They are going to give me one more round of chemo then give me an MRI scan because of the reaction I had to the contrast injection with the CT scan, just to see how my liver is. The plan at the moment is either to continue with my current regime and then Herceptin, or change my drugs to a more Herceptin friendly regime and then give me both at the same time. I had the BIGGEST smile all the way home!! I could have floated back to my car. I know I still have a long way to go, but the first indications are all good. It really picked on the wrong chick this time!! And thank goodness for rock and roll!

Day Fifty Six

I was ok until I spoke to my parents half an hour ago, then it all came out. Feeling very soggy and in dire need of my mother and father at the moment. I wish my parents didn't live so far away. Sometimes I feel very alone - not very often, but inside me right now is a very frightened child. It's all very well being the big brave me, I had to crack at some point. I am coping with this, I have no choice. The gang at work are being very supportive - you all seem to know what I need at the moment, it's like a pack mentality! You don't seem to like leaving me on my own, it's instinctive, making sure I know when one of you is going to be back. Thank you for knowing me as well as you do. Oh I am feeling very sorry for myself at the moment! I know that no-one can do this for me, I have to do this by myself, but not by myself. I am ok. Just a little tired and emotional - but think I am allowed, just this once.

Day Fifty Five

Feeling not too bad today, my arm is aching a bit from the chemo, but generally, not too bad at all. I am not feeling sick, but I do feel like I have eaten something cold which is sitting in my tummy. This feeling goes away if I eat or drink something, so honey on toast was the order of the day for breakfast. I actually feel well enough to be going back to work tomorrow, but as always, promise not to over do it. I am collecting my little person from the reception area at school so that I don't encounter too many little person type germs and I am giving him Omega 3 to help boost his immune system which I do every year anyway. Feeling much less conscious about my hair when I go out and somebody liked it very much today - knew he would. It looks better on me than it does on him!