Day Forty Five

My hair is starting to look a lot better, as is my skin. That is the thing with chemo, you start to look and feel better right before your next batch, and it knocks you back a little more each time. But all things considered, I don't think I have suffered too much at all with this last round. I am a little bit curious to see how the next lot will affect me. Part of you wants to be knocked back as you know that shows the chemo is working, the other part doesn't want it at all. I had a check on my lump this morning - it's bullet hard but it has not grown any more, in fact, I am little scared to say it, I am fairly certain it has actually shrunk. Just a little bit. I would not be writing this unless I thought it. I have just run my fingers through my hair, it feels like mine again. Well, this time next week I will have had batch two. How do I feel about that? Can't come soon enough. The faster I get this battle fought, the quicker I can get on with being me.

Day Forty Four

There is somebody reading this at the moment who is worried that I might not be telling them the truth about how I am feeling, somebody who I love very much. Please don't worry. Right now, I feel wonderful. I am about as happy as I can be. I might be tired, but I am feeling strong and oh so ready for what lies ahead. I am not afraid. I am actually looking forward to taking this on and kicking it's backside. You are stuck with me for a very long time. I am having altogether far too much fun to let this beat me! And it's Thursday, my favourite day of the week.

Day Forty Three

Feeling a little bit tired today but I have not been sleeping properly so that's hardly surprising. But my new bed has arrived! No more springs in ribs! So looking forward to a really good nights sleep tonight hopefully. I have just been speaking to my oncology nurse, Karen. I was telling her that the steroids made me feel wobbly but that I had hardly any sickness, so she has said that I only have to take the steroids for one day next time, not three days which is fabulous. I felt worse with them. They are supposed to help boost the anti sickness tablets, but seeing as I wasn't taking them either, I don't need them. Feel a lot better now about round two of chemo, I was dreading taking them again. She also said that the fact that I now have pain is good, it does show that something is happening. Another good end to a nice day.

Day Forty Two

My hair is starting to look very sorry for itself. I have noticed when I wash it in the morning that there is not as much to wash and when I blow dry it, it feels really light. I actually caught myself looking at my new hair this morning and thought that it looks nicer than my own does! I have decided that if mine does start to fall out spectacularly, I am going to shave it all off rather than wait for it to fall out. The plus side is not having to use as much shampoo, no hair down the plug hole and if my hair is starting to fall out, shows the chemo is working. All positive things. My sister gave me a lovely peaked cap which looks fabulous with my new hair. I think it will be a relief when it actually does go. And how about this for one of the most beautiful things anyone has ever done for me. My best friend, the friend who has attended all but one hospital appointment with me including my chemo session, has just bought me a present. She said close your eyes, and when I opened them, she was wearing a lovely pink hat. She said, "We are going to do this together" and presented me with one exactly the same - they are the new Cancer Research ones. I cried. Because of her and my other best friend, I have had a lovely day and I am feeling very happy!

Day Forty One

I can feel Autumn coming, it's my favourite time of the year. It feels like coming home, makes me feel peaceful. I have just been watching 'Ghost Whisperer', one of my favourite TV programmes. Apart from the fact that I love being scared witless by it, I also love the way Jennifer Love Hewitt dresses in it. So I am now in the process of going through all my clothes and sorting them out- feeling invigorated and inspired again! And more like myself than I have done for a very long time.

Day Forty

It's the tiredness that is getting to me a little. I am too tired to do anything more than a little housework, but not tired enough to sleep. I can't seem to summon up the energy to do anything, but when I have a lie down, I cannot sleep either. It's a horrible predicament! The toxins are definitely coming out of my body, my hair and skin feel greasy and yucky and I have the most amazing spots! I have had a headache all day today too. I really am feeling attractive at the moment! Filled my fridge with fruit and vegetables today to counteract the toxins and then treated myself to a face mask, hopefully I should see an improvement over the next few days. Hot bath and an early night are on the books I think! I tried my wig on last night - it's lovely. The initial shock of seeing a different me in the mirror soon wore off. A friend suggested I should wash it in the dishwasher or the washing machine - he was joking! I thought I should get a convertable car and go through the car wash with it on - certainly kill two birds with one stone!

Day Thirty Nine

I was reading Lance Armstrong's book at 4am today - I cannot read it without feeling inspired and there is a sense of pride from me towards him because of his strength of character. I have taken these extracts from it, I don't think he will mind. He is talking about the 'the obligation of the cured', the responsibility that some feel when they survive cancer to encourage and inspire others to fight the good fight.

'Dr Nichols told me that there was every sign now that I was going to be among the lucky ones who cheated the disease. He said that as my health improved, I might feel the larger purpose than just myself. Cancer could be an opportunity as well as a responsibility. Dr Nichols had seen all kinds of cancer patients become dedicated activists against the disease, and he hoped I would be one of them.
I hoped so too. I was beginning to see cancer as something that I was given for the good of others...all I knew was that I felt I had a mission to serve others that I'd never had before, and I took it more seriously than anything in the world...
I had talked to Steve Wolff about what I was feeling, and he said "I think you were fated to get this type of illness. One, because maybe you could overcome it, and two, because your potential as a human was so much greater than just being a cyclist."'

That is exactly how I feel. Everything happens for a reason. If I can take my experience and turn it into something positive that helps other people, I hope I will complete what is required of me. I also think I have been dealt this card for another reason. It has opened my eyes to humanity, what incredible beings we are with such amazing qualities including compassion, the need to survive, strength and support for others who need it, love for fellow mankind and protectiveness. If I had one wish now, it would be to show this world how amazing we really are, to put aside our differences and accept that we are all different, that is what makes us who we are. And we are amazing.

Day Thirty Eight

Went shopping with my sister today - I used to be able to manage marathon trips of seven hours or so - not today. I was flagging after an hour. The tiredness hits you like a concrete wall, just want to curl up in the middle of wherever and go to sleep. So I forced myself to have some chocolate and picked up just a little bit. My skin on my face is really suffering, it feels really greasy and horrible. Chemo works by acting on and destroying fast reproducing cells, which cancer cells are, but it also attacks the nice ones too such as in your mouth, skin and hair - that is why your hair falls out. So, I have no hair and spots to look forward to and bad teeth. I am going to look so attractive! Think I will start stocking up on brown paper bags now! Opened my new hair - it's really beautiful. That at least made me feel better. Oh well, if I am going to look that hideous I may as well go the whole hog and put weight on too - show me the chocolate!

Day Thirty Seven

I have noticed how I feel relates to what I am eating, or how much I am eating. Felt a little light headed today but as soon as I ate, felt so much better. I am eating a lot of fish which I don't usually like, but it's full of protein which the body needs to build. Chemo can change your tastes as well, my sense of smell at the moment is really acute, noticing things like the smell of coffee and chocolate more than ususal. Feeling a bit more tired at the moment but very happy, we have the long weekend now so I intend to sleep as much as possible. I dreamt last night that all my hair fell out when I washed it, it's obviously playing on my mind, and today my hair feels 'loose', it's the only way to describe it, as if a it's just going to fall out in one big go and then scuttle across the floor like a wild beastie! My new hair has arrived too, but I have not opened the package yet. Think I need to pluck up some more courage to do that, but I am going to make it my own, put curls in it and play with it until I am happy with it. Isn't it funny that it's the only thing about this entire fiasco that I am bothered about.

Day Thirty Six

Managed to stay a little longer at work today! Everyone there is being wonderful, making sure that I do not overdo it and reassuring me that everything will be ok from that perspective. I know I only have one crack at this, I am going to be sensible and not overtire myself, but if I do feel well enough, I will be there - knowing me, I will be doing overtime at some point! Spoke to my doctor, she could not believe I was at work so soon after chemo, apparently I am a bit indestructable. Let's hope so. I told her I was in pain now from the lump, and it's not just a dull ache, it's an angry I've got teeth sort of pain, and she said that was good, show's that something is happening. I like to feel the pain. I hope that lump is suffering and dying and I want it to have as painful a death as possible. Everything else about me is calm and focused, I have one goal and I am determined to achieve it.

Day Thirty Five

Went back to work today for a few hours, it was really lovely to be back and seeing people! I am feeling a little hot today and my chest feels a bit sore so hot bath and paracetamol for me tonight. Slept better last night and have not felt sick at all. I have stocked up on nuts for protein as I have cut out red meat from my diet - I did not eat a lot before but will now not eat any. Feeling tired right now so this will be just a short chat, hopefully speak to you more tomorrow.

Day Thirty Four

If it was not for the steroids, I would be feeling so much better now! Feel decidedly kitten like at the moment - and I don't mean playing with a ball of wool! A bit weak and feeble but only have to take two more tablets tonight and that is me done with them for this round. The jar of honey I was given has come in really handy, loads of it on toast for breakfast and I feel right as rain - until I take the blessed steroids! I have to take them to help with my immune system, they give it a boost. That and the echinacea, I should be ok. It's funny, now the treatment has started, I now have pain, which believe it or not, for me, is a good thing. It's telling me that something is waging war in there. So, I am going to stop complaining about the steroids, after all, they are helping me fight this, and will take my medicine!

Day Thirty Three

Feeling a lot rougher today, the sick feeling has kicked in and the steroids I have to take for the first three days after chemo are leaving me feeling cold and my heart pounding. I just have to rest while that happens and it eventually wears off. Not a good night, woke up at 3am feeling sick but managed to get back to sleep after about 2 hours. One thing did strike me yesterday though, when you have your lymph nodes removed from your armpit, that arm becomes untouchable - you are not allowed to give blood from it or have injections and you must take extra care of it when doing things like gardening, because you no longer have your infection protectors. I had my chemo put into my left arm because it would not go into my right. The alternative would have been a chest catheter which would be awful as it is prone to infection and clotting. Funny how things turn out, isn't it?!

Day Thirty Two

I am feeling really great today, slept for nine hours last night all the way through - no more 2am wake ups hopefully! I think I can put this down to the fact that I am no longer afraid of what to expect from the chemo. It really was not that bad at all. The back of my right hand is bruised from where they tried to insert the canula the first time - I bent the canula! Made of very strong stuff! The nurse was brilliant, very patient. You get to have a hot blanket over your arm to keep the vein open, cosy chair, soft pillows, everything. The dull ache has already gone from under my arm for the first time in weeks. My hair is feeling a little drier today but still there for the moment. Had a good talk with my little boy about it, told him what to expect. He thinks it's odd that the medicine is going to make me feel poorly to make me better, but other than that, he is fine. It's nice to know I don't have to go to hospital for another three weeks, that I can get on with my life in the mean time. I am not going to kick the backside out of it though or I will get my backside kicked!

Day Thirty One

A really, really good day! Have just had my first batch of chemotherapy and I am feeling fine! I had to have a valium one hour before the session and that has knocked me a bit sleepy, that and the fact that I have been up since 4am! They had problems finding a vein (like I said before, I know I am going to be awkward about this!) but once they got me rigged up, those beautiful chemicals started coursing through my veins. One of them gives you a funny prickly feeling in your bits, like wearing angora knickers! The other one made my wee go red! And the other one will make my hair fall out. But! Also chose my new hairdo today, I feel happier knowing that I am going to look semi-gorgeous over the next few months. Gone for something really girlie and it looked really good on me. That should be here within the next 7-10 days, fingers crossed. I have decided that when my hair does start to fall out, I am going to shave the whole lot off, G.I. Jane style! The feeling of relief is overwhelming. I am finally starting the treatment that will hopefully whoop the backside off of those little blighters! Bring it on!

Day Thirty

Last day before chemo starts, mixed feelings. Primarily, excited as I really want to start the treatment, stop the spread as quickly as possible. Relieved it is happening so quickly. Scared? Just a tiny bit. I have heard how horrible this is going to make me feel, but everybody reacts differently, I might be lucky and just feel tired, will just have to wait and see. If I expect to feel totally awful, anything else is a bonus. I think I am more scared about having the needle put into me than the actual treatment, but I know it's to make me feel better - ultimately. The thing that I suppose is upsetting me most is the prospect of losing my hair, but then it is quite scary now anyway so perhaps that is not such a bad thing. I am hopeful. I feel secure and protected and know that I can get through this, of course I can! I feel stronger now than I have done for so long and I can thank all the people who are supporting me for that. There are a few of you who have helped me more than you can ever know, who continually go above and beyond to put me first. I am a lucky girl. Thank you just does not say it enough. I love you so much. I feel so alive, I intend to stay that way.

I am going to try and update this blog every day while I can. I suspect there are going to be days when I am not able to, but I will be with you as much as I can.

Day Twenty Nine

Last day at work today for a little while, am feeling tired today but I have been waking up in the wee hours. I seem to get into the habit of that. Was expecting to feel tearful after leaving the office but I was fine, put some good music on the car stereo and sang my heart out all the way home! Had a phone call from my doctor, she does not appear to be overly concerned which is comforting. She said I was very good refusing the scalp cooling - when you have chemo, you can have your scalp cooled in a gel cap. It's supposed to stop your hair falling out so much but it also stops the chemo going all the way round your head. I don't want to be worrying in years to come that I could be getting a brain tumour, so I am letting them unleash the full artillery at me, no holds barred. I want to give my self the best chance possible. I am feeling brilliant at the moment, I know that will change over the next few days, but as long as I remain positive that I AM going to beat this, I will get through it. That and a little help from my friends. I am not scared. I am ready.

Day Twenty Eight

I am all buoyed up at the moment, just spoke to an oncology nurse about how much I am allowed to do whilst undergoing chemo, especially going into work. Ok, so I know there might be people out there who would relish 3 months off work, not this lady. You will probably already have gathered how much I love my job and the people I work with. If I am sat at home bored and bald I think I will become horribly depressed. The nurse said that if I feel well enough to go in, and work allows me to be flexible and go home if I am feeling tired, there is no reason why I cannot go in at all! That has really cheered me up so much, you have no idea. I was only saying today that the thing I am going to miss most is the office banter and my friends. Now hopefully I won't have to! Another nice gesture I had today, one of the guys from another section gave me a jar of homemade honey, not just any honey, but his own locally produced Starflower honey because he had heard about me. You could say that was the icing on the cake!

Day Twenty Seven

Still feeling very well - it seems mad that to get better I have to start feeling worse! With my job, we have twice yearly reviews of our work progress called Performance and Development Reviews, or PDR's. In them we list what we would like to do , such as training, and our bosses give us objectives that they want us to achieve, such as completing scanning projects for example. Today my boss turned round and said that he is only giving me one objective - to get better. Took a lot not to turn around and give him the biggest hug I could, that was so lovely. I have ordered a new bed with one of those amazing memofoam mattresses, stop that spring digging into my ribs. Really looking forward to getting that, slept on top of my duvet last night with my snuggle blankie on top and slept all the way through. Considering I was at work for 7.45am and it is now 4.20pm, I am not feeling too tired at all!

Day Twenty Six

I have to learn not to listen our take to heart what everybody says. It frightens the living cr*p out of you otherwise. Last night, somebody argued with me that the fact that I am not in pain is bad. They also said to me, don't become complacent about the fact you have cancer, I had to watch my father die of it. They meant well, but it really scared me. I now have this little voice in my head whispering "You have cancer". Well, you know what? It can just shut up and go and upset somebody else. Yes, I have cancer, but I also have a body which is about as physically ready to fight it as it possibly can, and my mind is set to get better. This person has made me scared of what I eat - don't eat red meat, or proteins like cheese and milk. I already eat healthily, and have switched to soya milk, taking echinacea and eating loads of fresh fruit and veggies, pomegranate juice and so on. I have enough inner demons at the moment to worry about, without other people adding to it. If I sound angry, I suppose it's because I am and I don't like to be this way. So, I won't be! Deep breath, put on a smile and just get on with the task in hand! Take that, you horrible little voice!!

Day Twenty Five

I was reading Lance Armstrong again in bed this morning, and there is a bit where he receives a letter from a friend telling him that people who suffer with cancer are the lucky ones. Lance did not know at that point what he meant. I do. I think I worked that one out straight away. Someone I love very much said to me the other day, isn't it a shame that when you die, you have no idea how many people come to your funeral or how much you are loved. I know exactly how much I am loved. More than I ever knew. I was feeling a little emotional today, think the stresses of the last few days have caught up with me. So I dressed myself to the nines, made myself feel gorgeous, jumped in my car, turned the stereo up loud and went for a drive. And it made me realise I am very lucky. There is no-one in the world like me, I am a one-off. I feel lucky to be alive and so very loved. I feel beautiful. I feel lucky. Lucky that I have people to share this with who I love as much as they love me.

Day Twenty Four

The end of a very emotional and tiring week. Lots of giggles at work, my friend asked if they were doing two for one on wigs! They always make me laugh, love them to bits. Had to tell two more friends that I am poorly. One is a palm reader, and told me three years ago that I should slow down or else I was going to become ill when I was 34. Straight up. It was difficult telling him that he was right, and that I should have listened to him. Had a bit of a cry when I told him. It's so hard. I want somebody to tell me that I am going to be okay, that I have nothing to worry about, I will be alright. He did also tell me that I would be in my 80's when I finally pop my clogs, but I will have lost my marbles by then so I won't mind! Well, he was right about one thing, let's hope he's right about the other. I have always said that I will be 84 when I go, around the 24th November. Let's hope we're both right. Being poorly has made me realise how much I love life and the people I am around. That is what I am scared of missing out on. My other friend told me she thinks somebody is looking out for me, due to the fact that I have found this before I am in pain. I think she is right. Thank you.

Day Twenty Three

Bit of a rough morning, had a bit of a cry this morning, but hey, I am entitled. Saw the chemo consultant, they are starting me on chemo next Friday, six treatments over 18 weeks. I am also booked in next Friday at the wig clinic! That will be fun! I thought I might go for the Marge Simpson look. Ok, they are still not 100% sure about the shadows on my liver, but without doing a biopsy, they won't know. So the plan is, two lots of chemo then rescanned. If it's shrinking or growing, they know it's cancer. If it's not doing anything, it's not cancer. Simple really! The consultant said my lump is small, I am not in any pain which is all good. I really am not in any pain what so ever - and I found out why my ribs were hurting, a spring has gone in my mattress and was digging into me when I was asleep! Just goes to show that once you know what you are dealing with, you can attack it properly. Before, every ache and pain I was getting was making me worry in case it was related. Now I know exactly what areas are affected, I can channel accordingly. Had lots of cuddles and giggles again this afternoon, just what I needed to make me feel better.

Day Twenty Two

Today I feel wonderful. Smiled all the way home from work, had Bon Jovi on the car stereo, the sun was shining and I feel brilliant. No pain at all. A friend at work bought me a present, a lovely collection of pampering stuff - I know you are reading this, thank you! It really is odd, people keep saying to me, why are you at work, you should be at home in bed. My response? I'm not ill, I just have cancer! I really don't feel ill. I know I am going to be once the chemo kicks in, but it is a necessary evil so I can get out the other side so bring it on! I am looking forward to starting my treatment. Another friend lent me a copy of Lance Armstrong's book about his fight with cancer. I was reading it last night in bed and already I can relate to a lot of the stuff in there. It was very inspiring and comforting. I had a real giggle at work today, and laughing is something I love doing, don't we all, but I think we need to do it as much as we can. That is why I am still at work, I am among people I love being with who make me laugh. And that makes me feel wonderful!

Day Twenty One

Hard to believe its only been three weeks since I was diagnosed, so much has happened. Back to work today, yet again, friends all rallying around and checking to see how I am. Said thank you to the guys for my card, told them how much it meant to me, they told me I need to get better because I am loved. I feel loved. One of my friends suggested looking on eBay for a new liver! No pain at all in the chest area, but aware of some discomfort in my tummy which was not there at all before. It's not pain, just an awareness. Spoke to my nurse today, Mary, she is wonderful. I am booked in for this Thursday at the chemo clinic to discuss my treatment. They have got me in early because of the awful day I had yesterday. I thought I was going to have the operation still until I asked for the results of my scans - that was when they realised I would not be having the op. I am glad I am being whizzed through, but nervous because I think I am going to find out how poorly I really am. But the mind is an amazing thing, and the power it has over the body is incredible. That is why I must remain positive.

Day Twenty

Not good news I am afraid, the cancer has spread to my liver. BUT! In true spirit of me, this is what I think. I am not having the mastectomy now, as they need to start me on chemotherapy as soon as possible. The lesions on my liver, although mulitple, are small, about 2mm. The liver is also an amazing organ, it is the only organ apart from your skin that self repairs and you can lose half your liver, and it will grow back. Isn't it funny that I have heard two people lately discussing their cancer in their livers? So, I get to keep hold of my boob for a little while longer, the chemo will hopefully stop any further spread. And the really good news, the news that has made me feel more relieved than anything else? My bones are clear and healthy. I know that my blood pressure today was 135/65, nice and low, and that I am not anaemic. My isotopic scan was clear. Thank God for small mercies. I feel so loved by my friends today, got some wonderful messages of support. I love you.

Day Nineteen

Slept really well, not feeling as tired as I was expecting and not in any pain at all from the breast area, but my left arm is hurting a little, probably because I am over compensating. Opened my post from yesterday this morning to find three get well cards, one from very old friends, one from a friend who I work closely with in another department and one from my friends at work. I love you all. I would be lying if I said I didn't cry, but only because it makes me realise how loved I am and how unfair this is. But you know what, it also makes me more determined not to give in to this! I am not crying any more, am being totally positive. I am very scared about tomorrow, going to hospital for my pre-op assessment and to get the results of the scans I have had. I hope it's not bad news, but if it is, just go with it and fight all the harder. I know I can do this.

Day Eighteen

Had a really good day today, went to London with friend and little persons to see the Star Wars exhibition. I have been a huge fan of Star Wars since I was a little girl, and now my little person loves it too. I have had no pain today at all, its's so peculiar - yesterday I was in a lot of discomfort, nothing today. It will be interesting to see how I feel tomorrow. There was a man on the train home talking, he was saying that he has got cancer of the liver and he will be starting his chemotherapy soon. It really makes you wonder how many people are ill with similar conditions to your own. His reaction to his news was to go out and get really drunk - I suppose that was his way of coping with the news. My way is to to protect and encourage healing as much as I can. I am not judging him, we all take that sort of news in different ways, I just can't understand the reaction. I hope both he and the lady I spoke with on Thursday have successful fights.

Day Seventeen

Had a bad night last night, ribs are hurting down the left side so found it uncomfortable to sleep. Spent today doing as little as possible and right now, I am not hurting too much at all. I really do notice the difference when I over exert that left arm and when I rest it. When I was waiting for my scan yesterday evening, there was another lady there who had bowel cancer. She had the tumour removed but then they discovered that it has spread to her liver. She was so brave talking about it. She told me one of her friends had breast cancer four years ago, a worse case than mine, and she is still around. It does help lift your heart a little. I have so much to live for, I know that, and keeping positive really does help. Having people who love you helps more. I do feel protected and not alone at all, I am very lucky. What this has taught me is to cherish every moment, remember the little things that make you feel happy and to grab each day. Carpe dentum - seize the teeth, as Mrs Doubtfire would say!

Day Sixteen

Had my CT scan today, now that was an adventure! Had to drink two pints of peach flavoured barium mixture before I went in. Then I had to have an injection that makes you go hot from the back of your throat all the way down your middle until you think you have wet yourself - not very pleasant but bearable. I then had the scan, which involves you lying still and holding your breath for a bit. Not too bad. Unfortunately, I then had an allergic reaction to the injection - I sat up and the nurse asked me if I had had the rash for long, I said no, and then realised I was getting very itchy and breathy. Scared?! Just a tiny bit. One anti-histimine injection and two squirts of my inhaler, a cup of tea and I was right as rain again. Typical me! Have to be awkward at everything! Glad that's all over now, this time next week the operation should be too, fingers crossed.

Day Fifteen

Feeling anxious today, worrying about the operation. Only a week away now. Spoke to another girlfriend last night, she was upset on the phone. Told her I am going to do do my eyebrows with green biro. She says I should be like Gail Porter and wear my bald head with pride - I don't think I am that brave. It's one thing to have this illness but I need to remain as normal as I can for as long as I can. I am scared, and tearful at the moment. Don't know if it's the time of the month or what. I am upset as I am spending time with my son and I am realising what a wonderful, beautiful, funny person he is. He is so smart. I don't want to miss out on him. I love him so much. This is so unfair. I need to be strong, but it's so hard being brave all the time. Inside me there is a scared little girl who just wants to be told that everything will be alright and it can be fixed. Must keep my chin up.