Day 106

Paying the price for working a full day yesterday - I am shattered. Managed to work until lunchtime before having to go home and go to bed. I did not sleep very well last night either, woke up at half three and I was then awake until about half five, just managed to get cosy again and then alarm went off! Grrrr! Never the less, still feeling very happy, contented and full of life - I think I have an excess of life at the moment! Singing my heart out in the car at every opportunity and nothing is getting me down - not even grumpy ex-husbands!

Day 105

Managed a full day at work today! Feeling more and more like myself, my concentration levels are back up and I am feeling more in control. My arm is also not hurting as much as it used to, but still cannot straighten it out. Not feeling too tired. At present, am more fed up with soon to be ex-husband. Cannot wait to get rid of that malignant lump too! Sounds harsh but those of you who know me will know what he has put me through over the years. The light at the end of the tunnel is coming closer though, he is currently packing his things with the intention of moving out at the weekend. On a lighter note, a truly beautiful autumn day today, the leaves are all turning into their reds and golds, the sky was blue and it really does make me glad to be alive. I am looking forward to having my life back and sharing it with the people who matter the most to me.

Day 104

Really good day today, had my third free massage courtesy of the hospital - this time I saw beech leaves blowing in the wind and blue skies with fluffy white clouds - such a hippy chick! Loved being at work today with my friends. Also had a phone call from Karen, my oncology nurse. She has said that I don't have to take the steroids at all now as I am not being sick which is fabulous - they make me feel worse than the chemo does! And the icing on the cake? My doctor has said I will be starting on Herceptin on the 21st December. Why is that so good? A very significant day for me - it's the Winter Solstice. My life will be restarting on one of my favourite days of the year. In addition to that, I have been told that my Herceptin is going to be given to me with no limit on time - I can have it for as long as I need it. Fantastic news. I feel very protected and safe - someone is looking after me. Thank you.

Day 103

Another good day, drove back again today so arm feeling sore and tired, but apart from that, all well. Started to take my echinacea again today, have had a little break over the last couple of weeks. I have a bit of a cough but nothing to write home about, only to be expected for the time of year. I have had very late nights for me the last couple of nights but I am sat here now, not feeling tired at all. I think I will have an early night tonight though, don't want to kick the backside out of it.

Day 102

Feeling better and better every day - even my hair is making a firm come back! I can actually pull it at the back - and it does not come out! If it was not for my left arm hurting like a hurty thing - it feels like a chinese burn - I would be feeling totally tickety boo. But hey, this girl is not complaining. I must admit, I am really not looking forward to round five of chemo, simply because I know it is going to hurt and make me feel pants again, but in the same way, I want to get this over and done with now. I am feeling excited about things I want to do - I am looking forward to redecorating my house for example. I just want to get on with it!

Day 101

Generally feeling totally tickety boo - managed to drive for an hour and a half, go shopping for a good three hours and walk a really good stretch today without feeling too bad at all. Got a little breathless going up hill but nowhere near as bad as I was. My left arm is still really painful, driving that distance just about did it for me, but taking it easy now. I have had a really brilliant week, spent lots of time with the people I love and had the best news I have had in a long time. Still feeling very lucky and happy. I have a lot to be happy about at the moment. I had a good feel of the lump in my breast this morning, it's getting harder and harder to locate the edges and it's softer. I still have an ache in my side but that too is slowly going away, not aware of it as much. I am a very happy girl!

Day 100

I can't believe it has been one hundred days since I was diagnosed - it feels a lot longer. I am guilty of giggling in the night - could not get to sleep last night, I was swinging between giggling to myself to crying - emotional fall out. Feeling extremely lucky today. It was so good to be able to go into work and spread a little happiness and tell my friends the good news. Had a really good long chat with one of my friends, chatting about how this experience has changed my perspective on life. I am a different person now. I have had to learn patience for a start! I don't worry about trivial things anymore, I value everyone around me a lot more and I take genuine and total pleasure in the little things that are done for me and I feel so, so lucky. I am counting my blessings I suppose. I hope that I never take anything for granted again.

Day Ninety Nine

As I am writing this, I am totally overwhelmed with emotion. I have the results of my MRI today. The tumours on my liver are significantly smaller, the chemotherapy is working. I can't stop crying, I am so relieved, thankful and bizarrely, guilty. You see, a good friend told me last night that her husband has been diagnosed with bowel cancer. I feel guilty that I should be feeling this lucky. My thoughts are with you, now is your time to be brave too. I hope your fight is as successful as mine has been. The doctors words were "Good news from your MRI", after that, I don't remember much other than they are going to keep me on my current regime, scanning me again after the sixth chemo and then starting me on intravenous Herceptin as planned. Thank God. Thank you all of you too for your unswaying support, encouragement and protection. My fight has not been won yet but my troops are rallying, I am in it for the long haul. There are angels that walk among us, I am indebted to you forever.

Day Ninety Eight

Feeling better today, still want to sleep around the clock but my arm is less swollen and I am not feeling as nauseous. I really could sleep for Britain right now. My jeans are getting tighter - side effects of having steroids and eating what I am able to! But hey, I am entitled! It's only half six and I am ready for bed already, but I try to stay awake until about nine or I wake up too early. I try to hibernate this time of year anyway, swear I have hamster genes!

Day Ninety Seven

Definitely feeling worse for wear today. Woke up this morning and my left arm is killing me, got pain all the way down from my wrist to my elbow and it's swollen up like a balloon. I have been to see the doctor, he is not worried at the moment, I have a good strong pulse, it just looks as if the veins have been aggravated by the chemo. I have to keep an eye on it. Typical, my first visit to the doctor since starting chemo and it's for a sore arm! I have the familiar ice cube in my tummy feeling which is horrible and the cravings have finally kicked in - potatoes and sugar! I am craving carbohydrate which I always do when I am feeling poorly, I also want sugary drinks such as cola and ribena - I really have reverted to my childhood self medication - mashed potato and cola! To me that is a sign that my body is again trying to heal. I am feeling very tired, despite the fact that I slept for nearly twelve hours last night. If I was looking for signs that chemo is taking its toll on my body, I am finally getting them. BUT! Still smiling, not giving in to it altogether, still trying to keep things normal. I do need to rest this time, I am fully intend to or else I am going to get into trouble!

Day Ninety Six

Feeling a lot more weak today, which seems to be the pattern. Breathless and a bit more nauseous, lot more tired. If I take the sleeping tablets two nights in a row, which I have done, it seems to accumulate. I am not going into work tomorrow so I can have a good long sleep. My parents have got my little man for the week too being half term so going to take advantage and rest as much as possible. I only have myself to look after this week so can go to bed as early as I like if needs be. My appetite has not diminished but still not craving protein. Logic says that there is not so much to repair this time. I forgot to tell you about my blood results on Friday - had such a busy day! My blood results are - normal! My markers from my liver enzymes are 51 - normal is 0-50! My liver function is normal and for some reason, they have also been monitoring my hormone levels - I did not know they were doing this. They normally only do that if its a gynaecological cancer, but my hormone levels have plummeted too which may expalin why my 'monthly functions' are back to normal too. My platelets are also normal too. All really brilliant news. All I need now are the results from the MRI. I have no pain in the liver department at all now but my left breast is really painful. I had a feel of the lump this morning, its much softer apart from a hard bit in the middle, which I suppose is the core. Finding it harder and harder to locate the edges now, they are really sloping off. So, am going to have a lovely lazy afternoon, relax, eat lots of chocolate and watch mindless tv like a good girl!

Day Ninety Five

Feeling not too bad today, went to bed last night at half eight feeling pretty revolting, woke up this morning and no nausea at all! Those tablets I take are brilliant, sort me out good and proper. Have had a lovely day, spent most of it in the cinema catching up on films I want to see with my little man, which is actually a good way of getting me to sit down and do nothing, so not a bad thing. Have taken my steroids for the day, breathless and heart pounding but nothing too major. I am not craving anything at the moment food wise other than salt and fizzy drinks but that is to counteract the sickness. I read something today on the Macmillan website, apparently dairy products are not good for cancer. You can read so many different things, what's good, what isn't, but I am going to try and cut down on them just while I am having chemo, anything that helps has got to be good. I already have soya milk, my only vice dairy wise is cheese. I can feel the breeze in my hair! It tickles and its nice. I really am feeling better in myself, my body appears to be functioning more normally, my left breast is quite painful at the moment - car seat belts hurt but not complaining, tells me the good fight is still being fought.

Day Ninety Four

What a day! Got to the hospital for half nine for MRI appt at ten, only to be told there was an hours waiting time. Hey ho! So after dressing in some very fetching gowns (chilly!) was then prepped for the scan. It looks awesome, very Star Trek. I had to remove everything apart from knickers and socks, including my glasses and my spare hair. The team were wonderful, very caring. You have heavy plates over you, I got all four so they made sure they caught all of my liver. I had an injection then as well but its different to the CT one -it doesn't contain iodene which may have been my trigger for my allergic reaction last time. I was asked if I am allergic to shellfish, I can't eat crab so that may explain what happened last time. It is incredibly tight in the scanner, my right arm fell asleep as it was resting on one of the plates. I had my eyes closed the entire time, does not make you feel so claustrophobic. You have to hold your breath while the scanner takes the images. After an hour of controlled breathing, I was quite relaxed but exhausted. Then round to the chemo clinic for round four of chemo. Much more painful this time, that old vein is getting very tired so they will have to go in somewhere else for the next two rounds. Its so good to know that I have done four, two to go, downhill stretch now. There was another lady in there with me, she started her chemo at the same time as me. She left with a huge bag of medication, she is having problems with her mouth and wearing deodorant. I told the nurse that I have not actually been sick yet, she asked me if I was taking two other types of medication as well as the ones I am on, I replied no. She was really impressed, said I was taking the chemo really well. I have learnt very quickly how to manage my symptoms. I still say that being younger, fairly fit and healthy and having a very positive attitude goes a long way to my handling the chemo and then my recuperation. I suspect this time I am going to feel a lot more tired, going to take it easy. Can already hear my heart beating, need to take care of that too.

Day Ninety Three

My eyes are still feeling very tired but other than that I am ok - had my bottom kicked when I got into work today, had the "Yes dear!" conversation with my boss, but I still won't do as I'm told! He would not expect anything less. Thanks guys for looking after me. Phoned my friend in another department who asked me how I was doing, I replied fine and then he said "So why were you sent home on Tuesday!" No escaping my friends and their concern for my welfare. It really is the 'British' response. That's why I have my blog so I can tell it how I really am feeling. I am basically ok. Round four of chemo tomorrow and my MRI scan - or as my mother said, my MFI scan - Dad asked how I felt about being flatpacked! Not phased about chemo now and my friend has challenged me to fall asleep during my MRI - think it could be a strong possibilty considering I have to take my anti-sickness tablet just before I get in there, an hour in a warm cocoon might just finish me off!

Day Ninety Two

Feeling very tired today still, spent most of today in bed. Had bloods taken today in preparation for chemo on Friday, three weeks seems to go by so quickly! My eyes are so tired but found it difficult to get to sleep last night, brain was whizzing. Looking forward to half term next week, my little man is going to stay with my mum and dad so will have the house to myself so I can take it easy - no early morning starts hopefully. Have a bit of a rest.

Day Ninety One

Got a reminder today of how poorly I really am - my eyes started to play up today. If you can imagine a tv screen and the pixels are breaking up and you get really pretty colours, that is what I was seeing today. Really frightened me. It wore off after about half an hour and then I went home, hit the sofa and woke up an hour and a half later - I never sleep that long on the sofa. I would have slept longer if I had not woke myself up snoring! I said yesterday that my eyes were tired and I had a headache too, so lesson learnt. I must not kick my own backside or else I get it kicked. I am absolutely fine now, headache has gone, I obviously just needed the sleep. I must admit, I did not want to get up today, was all warm and cosy and wanted to stay under my duvet. Roll on the weekend!

Day Ninety

Feeling really tired today, but as always, it's just my eyes, not my brain. My eyelids feel really heavy. I have noticed that I seem to feel the most tired in the week before chemo, it's like everything catches up with me. Still managed to do nearly a full day at work and I slept extremely well last night, nine hours straight through so not too worried. Think another early night is on the cards tonight, my bed looks so inviting!

Day Eighty Nine

Took it a lot more sedately today, well, if you can call two loads of washing, stripping a kingsize bed and preparing a chicken casserole before breakfast sedate! Feeling a little tired now, but then I did go to bed at midnight last night, so I think that's justified. My hair is trying to grow back. If you look at it closely, it has a kink half way down the hair shaft and it changes colour - I can only assume that it's hair B.C. - before chemo and hair A.D. - after dripfeed! It's dark brown at the end and almost white blonde at the roots. I am saying white blonde in case I am coming back grey! My eyebrows are still hanging in there but they are very dry and nowhere near as scary as they used to be! I now know the ache in my side was more than likely muscular - I hurt it again yesterday lifting food shopping in from the car, but that is actually a relief. I am not using my left arm as much because it's still a bit sore from the chemo so I am over compensating on my right side. Perhaps I really am more of a blonde than I first suspected...!

Day Eighty Eight

Definitely getting my energy back, but aware that I must not kick the bottom out of it or I will be set back again. Have just finished tidying my garden for the winter, enjoying the autumn sunshine and generally feeling brilliant. Bumped into a friend who I have not seen for a while, had to break the news to her - we were both stood there trying our hardest not to cry. It really is the hardest thing about being 'ill', telling people. She is also waiting to see the doctor, she keeps losing feeling in her hands, so she is worrying that there is something wrong with either her spine or her brain. I told her not to dwell on worst case scenarios, it could be something not so nasty, she has been under a lot of stress lately. She said I was being really brave. I don't feel really brave. I think the people around me who are looking out for me from day to day are braver, I am just getting on with it from day to day. That's all I can do. But I am really making sure that I am getting the most out of every day. Not going to let this stop me from having fun!

Day Eighty Seven

Feeling really good today, had a good nights sleep although been awake since half four. I seem to be getting my energy back which is great, feel like cooking proper meals in the evening instead of settling for a jacket potato with cheese and mushy peas - my comfort food! My hair is definitely coming back and its really soft, like baby hair and my scalp is not hurting anymore with this regrowth so I am going to leave it alone. I have ordered a head massager, get the blood flow going round my head, see if I can't encourage it to grow a bit quicker! Another sign that I might take that I am getting better is my cat, Willow. For a while she had been my constant companion, sitting in the kitchen with me or permanently trying to get on my lap. She has stopped doing this and gone back to sitting on the window ledge again - they do say animals know more than we do when we are poorly, dogs can smell skin cancers. I am also feeling more like myself, more in control of my emotions and fears and feeling self confident, not worrying about trivial things. I just want to hold my head up high and take on the world!

Day Eighty Six

The ache in my side is hardly noticeable now, which is good. I spoke to my oncologist nurse today, told her about my worries. She said that just because I am feeling well, it does not mean the chemo is not working - I am just lucky. She says she knows of other people who have their chemo who are then at work like me, in the shops or whatever the next day. I told her that I think the lump is shrinking in my breast, that it's gone from a cough lozenge shape to a sucked cough lozenge shape - that made her laugh! She asked if it's feeling softer, which it is. It used to be bullet hard, which it isn't anymore. She went through my blood results again and she said that they are all looking normal and she also explained about Herceptin. Again, it will be intravenous, every three weeks like my chemo, but less damaging with no side effects. She knows of ladies who have their treatment and then go straight to work. It is also common for hair to grow back between sessions as my body recovers from the chemo. Feeling a lot less scared now. Also, if the chemo isn't working on my liver, which is what I am worried about, they will switch my drugs - there are loads of available chemo drugs at the moment and they may even introduce Herceptin straight away. I will be on that for at least a year, minimum, but they can keep you on that for years if necessary. The wonders of modern medicine! I don't like to think about the alternative, what I would be facing without Herceptin right now. I was listening to John Denver today - tell anyone and you're toast - and my favourite song, Annie's Song. There is a line in there 'Let me die in your arms'. Whoosh. Automatic tears. It's only to be expected, but the trick is not to let it get to you, just to keep on smiling and take each day, give it a good tickle and laugh! I am here, I am happy and I intend to stay that way.

Day Eighty Five

Feeling a lot better today, the pain in my side has eased off quite a bit. I spoke to my sister last night, she said she thinks it's me healing. I have been fortunate enough never to break a bone so I don't know what it feels like when something is repairing, which is what she thinks is happening. I was craving all that protein last week, which I am not now, and then I get this ache, which has dissipated today, so she may have a point. Had a really good day today actually, laughed so much today. Laughter really is the best medicine. A friend at work was thinking of ways I can shock people with my wig, such as getting it trapped in a door and getting it pulled off, or attaching a fishing line to it and dragging it across the floor! Had me in stitches! Laughter and lots of love are really the key to my feeling so great right now! Lucky me.

Day Eighty Four

Bit of an up and down day today. Visited my friends in the ICT dept today, I now have the capability to work at home which is brilliant, although they did say that knowing me, I won't need to as I am still going into work most of the time. Had them in fits telling them tales of hanging my spare hair out on the line to dry! Lovely people, very grateful for all the help they have given me. I went on the Macmillan website last night, left a few messages of support for other people and a few questions for me. There are some very poorly people out there, and there are some incredibly brave, amazing and caring people out there too. Angels come in many guises. I phoned their helpline today, had a bit of a cry. I am worried about this ache I have in my side. By the end of the chat though I was smiling again. Sometimes you just need to chat to someone who is impartial and have a good cry to make you feel better. There is one lady who replied to my post who is having the same chemo as me, she has not been sick either and she is putting on weight, two of my symptoms. She said the steroids made her feel worse than the chemo did, which is how I felt. She was having nightmares, I have sleeping tablets but I am having the most incredible, real life dreams at the moment, so that is another tick in the box. She said she felt achey too. I have some discomfort in my breast too and that is getting better. I had a good check this morning, dare I say it, I think the lump is less than 1cm big now. I feel as if I am in limbo, waiting for the results of this MRI. I am so scared that it's not working, that the cancer has spread. I know I can't do anything about it, so don't worry about it, that has always been my motto, but it doesn't stop you from feeling scared.

Day Eighty Three

I have got an appointment through for my MRI - a week on Friday, the 19th October at 10 am - an hour before my 4th chemo! Talk about by the skin of your teeth! I am nervous now, half of me wants to have the scan, the other half is terrified that it's going to show the cancer has spread further. Really scared about that. Actually, scared does not cut it. I know my blood results are showing an improvement but this is going to be black and white evidence of how I am really doing. Had my second free massage this afternoon and I didn't really relax, although I was getting lovely images of autumn maple leaves, all reds and goldens. Beautiful. I still have this pain in my right side but I am pretty certain it's over my ribs. I am going to look at the pictures from my scan this time, I couldn't bring myself to look at the ones from my CT - seeing it was acknowledging it was there. Daft, isn't it. Ostrich psychology! I am really interested to see the inside of me!

Day Eighty Two

Every day I am feeling a little bit better, the nausea has finally worn off, not feeling tired so making the most of it and catching up with the housework - what an exciting life I lead! I feel motivated, not wanting to waste the day lying on the sofa, which some would say is probably what I should be doing but hey, carpe diem. I don't feel brave enough to tackle the garden yet, my left wrist is still a little sore so not going to push my luck. Chocolate really seems to alleviate a lot of the symptoms - that is my story and I am sticking with it!

Day Eighty One

Feeling much better today, managed to go out and do some shopping with my sister - last time we went out I could only manage an hour, did nearly four hours today with breaks. Felt a little breathless and tired at the end but still managed to sing all the way home - we are both HUGE Bon Jovi fans! She had not seen me with my spare hair until now - she loved it. I showed her all the other ones too, we had some fun, she tried them on as well - they definitely suit me more though! We had some fun looking at more on eBay too - she has very striking auburn hair, lucky girl, she liked red wigs but I found a very pretty blue one which I might wear to my Christmas works dinner! Well, I think everyone will be so puddled they won't even notice! She took my no hair state very well too, it's good having a little sister!

Day Eighty

Nice lazy day today, just pottering about a bit. I phoned a support group last night, my worries got the better of me. I was curious about what the blood results actually meant. The nurse said that they check for certain enzymes produced by the liver when it is under attack, which mine has been. If these numbers are improving, it shows that my liver function is improving. Made me feel a little better. I have been put forward for an urgent MRI scan - hope it comes through soon. Still feeling a little nauseous today, it's the one symtom from chemo that is taking longer and longer to wear off. Apparently, the fatigue can take up to a year to go away - I hope not! I already want to hibernate in the winter!

Day Seventy Nine

Really feeling fab today, good music on the stereo, smiled all the way into work - hope I make people wonder what I am grinning about! Have so much to smile for, as people are finding out about this I am getting so many messages of support, it's very hard to get down about things. I feel so alive! The only thing I am sad about is that my boss has said he is moving onto pastures new - he has been more than a boss to me over the last few years, he has been an incredible support to me in so many different things in my life, the most recent obviously being my illness and my divorce. He is such a good friend, I know I am going to miss him terribly. BUT! We must do what is right for us, no matter how hard the decision is.

I have just had a phone call from my oncologist - my blood results are improving! In his words, if I am feeling well, that is a good sign. He says that patients are the best indicators of what is going on, blood results are just an indicator. He is going to book me in for my MRI but I will probably have my next round of chemo first. I am too scared to uncross my fingers. I think the pain in my right side may be muscular, it seems to be over my ribs. Logic says if I am feeling fabulous, I must be getting better. The problem is, I never felt unwell in the first place. I am not going to be able to relax until I have had the scan done, but if I tick things off, my breast is looking better, I am not having 'toilet' problems which I started to have, my last period was more like how I used to be, the lump certainly appears to be getting smaller and most importantly, my health is not deteriorating, it SOUNDS as if I am responding to treatment. Fingers crossed.

Day Seventy Eight

Feeling less nauseous today but more tired, listening to my body and not overdoing it. I definitely feel as if something is happening, feeling stronger despite the chemo. My lump has changed shape again, it's becoming harder to find the left side of it now, it's becoming flatter. And it is bullet hard again. People are commenting on how well I am looking - I have the chemo glow! Look like the Ready Brek kid! My skin is not suffering as much this time and I am craving healthy food, lots of protein. My taste buds have changed again, I had to throw out a veggie casserole which I usually love the taste of, I couldn't stomach it at all, but I am craving meat, especially chicken and eggs, seeds and milk. I will rebuild myself! Feel like I am building a suit of armour to protect myself.

Day Seventy Seven

Feeling a bit better today, craving protein on a massive scale - nipped round the shops and before I had even put the shopping away, had a fried egg sandwich on the go - organic egg cooked in safflower oil on seeded batch loaf I hasten to add! But smothered in tomato ketchup! Mmm! My body is trying to rebuild I guess. I was lying in bed last night dreaming about crispy duck! Oh dear, it's like being pregnant and having cravings! But it's amazing, as soon as I finished my sandwich, with a glass of cold milk on the side, I felt so much better. Listen to your body, give it what it wants, that's what I say!

Day Seventy Six

Feeling pretty hideous today, so tired and feeling really sick. Having a down day today, bit tearful. That's what you get for complaining that you are feeling ok! I slept for about nine hours straight through but then had to go back to bed about eleven for another couple of hours. Just taking it easy. I feel breathless and when I go upstairs, I can feel my heart pounding. But believe it or not, I feel better now about the treatment working - anything that makes me feel this bad must be making my lumps feel worse - I hope!