New Years Eve

Well here we are, the end of 2007. It has been quite a year for me (think that is the understatement of the year!)but in all honesty, I can hand on my heart say that is has been the best year of my life. So much has happened to me but what it has all taught me is that I am finally where I should be - or getting there. I have ended two very destructive relationships, one with my ex-husband, the other with my own body and both experiences have shown me what I am capable of.

Those of you who have been travelling with me know how much I admire Lance Armstrong and his book about his own experience. He is just typical of the brave and courageous people who are living with cancer, whether they be sufferers or supporters. We are all brave and courageous, even if, like me, we don't feel it. I just want to give you a few lines from his book 'It's Not About the Bike' as I think he sums it up better than I could:

"The question that lingers is, how much was I a factor in my own survival, and how much was science, and how much is miracle? I don't have the answer to that question...What if I had lost? What if I had relapsed and the cancer came back? I still believe I would have gained something in the struggle, because in what time I had left I would have been a more complete, compassionate and intelligent man, and therefore more alive. The one thing the illness has conviced me of beyond all doubt is that we are much better than we know. We have unrealised capacities that sometimes only emerge in a crisis.

So if there is a purpose to the suffering that is cancer, I think it must be this: it's meant to improve us. I am very firm in my belief that cancer is not a form of death. I choose to redefine it: it is a part of life...the definition of courage is the quality of spirit that enables one to encounter danger with firmness and without fear."

Before I was finally diagnosed, when I was waiting for the test results, when I did not know that I had cancer, I was terrified. Once I knew what I was fighting, that was it. The battle plans were drawn up and I went to war. And I was never afraid. Of losing the battle or of dying. I made my peace with the fact that this could kill me. When I was told that the chemo was successful, that I was beating this thing, I cried my heart out because although I made peace with dying, it made me realise how much I really wanted to live, how much I have to live for. I believe that we all have to go through one life changing experience to make us realise what life is, to not move from one day to the next without experiencing how lucky we are to be alive. This has been mine. So perhaps life changing is the wrong word. Try life awakening. I have said it all the way through. I am incredibly lucky. That is why this has been the best year of my life and I could not have done it without the support of some very special people, my family, my friends, my son, the staff at the hospital and a very special man.

This is going to be my last daily post. It seems a natural conclusion. For those of you reading this who have been touched by cancer, fight the good fight and enjoy every day as much as you possibly can. I suspect you are already doing that. I hope that your treatment is as successful as mine has been. To my friends who are reading this, thank you just does not touch it. I will never forget what you have done for me without you even knowing or me asking. You just did it. For my son. I did this for you. You never knew how scared I was or that there was a possibility that I might not make it. I am sorry that at times I was tired and grumpy and tried to make you wear my spare hair. You can keep me. Listen to your angels darling. Mine told me I had nothing to be afraid of. And as for you hunny - you know it already. I did it for you too - did not want to get my backside kicked!

May 2008 bring you all good luck and good health. I am going to drop in once in a while just to keep you updated but for now, goodbye. Love to you all xxx