Day 49

Feels like I am sleeping the days away at the moment, it was a beautiful day today and I wanted to get out into the garden but I slept through the middle of the day. I know I need the sleep. I keep thinking about people who refuse chemotherapy. I never understood why.. why deny yourself something that could save your life. But then you go through it a second time with no guarantee that it will work, it makes you feel worse and the hardest thing that I have had to deal with is that its stealing time with my son. I am a barely there mother sometimes and that breaks my heart. Yet there are times like today when I very badly threw a netball over the fence at his school to his teacher, he turns round and says that was a great throw mum, not everyone could hit the fence like that.. he makes me laugh and I realise what an incredible boy I have raised. I love him so much and I am so damned proud of him. So, back to refusing chemo - I can now understand why people do. To be able to spend your last moments walking in the sun with the ones you love, being in control of your own destiny...I am going to fight this don't worry. But I am more understanding now of of those who don't. I hope you always walk in the sunshine.