Day 75

Today I dedicate this blog to a very good friend of mine, she is always there for me to pick me up and her little finger must be very sore because she holds mine in hers when I need it most. She sent me these words after reading my blog yesterday and I wanted to share them with you because yet again, she has made me feel better. Thank you Bryher.

Know you think that there is a high chance of you getting secondaries but remember that life is a gamble and that is what makes life not boring - you could live to be 100 and confound medical science; you could be run over by that bus you talk about - there are so many possibilities that can happen in life and we don’t know the half of them - better than we don’t I think! Just taking one step at a time is the major point in life; smelling the roses on the way and appreciating everything we see, do and live, as you say are the main things.

Life is the journey - not the destination and wow.. are we having a rollercoaster of a ride!

Day 74

I was chatting with my boss today (managed 5 hours today!) about how I am feeling, impending scan etc and I told him that there is a very high chance that I will get more of these secondaries (he enquired about radiotherapy but if they do that to my liver it would microwave it) and that realistically, my life expectancy has been greatly reduced and that I am never going to grow old. He looked me in the eye and said that getting old is overrated, who wants to end up dribbling in a bath chair. It would have been nice to have had a life before I got this but you know what - I have been given a chance that not everybody has. I have got a chance now to live my life to the full, to love as much as I can, to laugh, get out there and experience it because for me now, every day is a precious and a gift. Cancer gives you that gift. I could walk in front of a bus tomorrow and not have told my son how proud I am of him or how much I love him. Bitter sweet, this cancer lark. If I can see my son grow into the fine man I know he will become, I will be happy. How many of us walk through this life without living it until its too late. I have been given the chance to do that while I am still young enough to do it. And I am bloody well going to.

Day 73

I have to say I am amazed at how well I am feeling! I woke up on Wednesday and felt like a different person, my ankles were still very sore as well as my finger and toes nails (that's a new one, socks and shoes quite uncomfortable) but little or no chemo fatigue. It feels so good to be not feeling totally shattered, I have relaxed this weekend and I am feeling up to doing a full day at work tomorrow - I want to make the most of feeling well but I am aware of not kicking the backside out of it. I want to start losing the weight that I have put on through the chemo and the steroids so I can enjoy the summer next year (my winter clothes obviously shrank over the summer)and I really feel - better! I have my MRI on Thursday so we shall see whats going on and if I am right to be feeling as well as I am. Even now my fingernails are no longer hurting - text messages are fun to try and send when they are sore! But I do feel different. All those fingers being crossed out there are working. Thank you. Could not do this without you.

Day 68

Bit of an odd night, I kept waking up through the night saying "the fever has broken!". Very surreal. I finally fell into a deep sleep about 2am and then woke with the alarm at 7am. But I woke up feeling, well, better. My head was not fuzzy from the pain killers - which incidentally only just touched the pain last night. I have not had a nap to speak of today but my legs are really painful, from my ankles to my knees. Even having a warm bath tonight has not helped and I find myself looking forward to bed so that I can take my pain killer. But what I cannot get over is the fact that I feel really good considering I had chemo 4 days ago. Last year the doctor said the best indication of how I am doing is how I am feeling, was I feeling any worse or better. Today I feel better - the pain in my legs is just the side effects from the chemo. I have little or no pain in my liver area. If this is following the pattern it did last time, my breast lump disappeared between rounds 4 and 5 of chemo and had gone by round 6. Keep your fingers crossed for me.

Day 67

This is my worst day post chemo and oh boy don't I know it. I woke up this morning and my tongue felt as if I have been chewing on it all night, so sore. I am going to whinge which is not like me but I feel as if every part of me hurts, my legs, my neck, my finger nails, even my eyes. I don't want to take any pain killers until bedtime though so I am just putting up with it but I will be having an early night tonight. I slept for 9 hours last night but it took me a while to get off. I don't like to complain so I won't but I just need you to know I am feeling about as rough as I can be. I have even had to take anti-sickness tablets today. BUT! I am also craving potatoes. Now that sounds cryptic but I always crave mashed potatoes when I am poorly as I know its my get you feeling better food. I am not craving protein. I am following the same pattern that I did last time. I will know the results of my MRI by the 21st November when I go for round 5 of my treatment. I need to rest now but I will be feeling better tomorrow I am sure. I hope so!

Day 66

Slept all the way through last night from 10pm until 7am after having a pain killer last night. I felt my ankles starting to ache last night before I went to bed and sure enough as soon as I settled in bed my right ankle started to hurt - but all I had to do was wait for the pain killer to kick in. Beating this at its own game. The only downside is that I now have the side effects of the pain killer! I cannot believe that I should be taking 6 of those a day, I am getting by on just one a night but it leaves me feeling stoned. My breathing is heavier as well at the moment, I actually woke myself up because I was breathing as if I had run a marathon. If I move my head too fast I feel dizzy so I am going to take it easy today - I have no choice in the matter! Even typing this is fun! Mt left wrist is quite painful as well - that seems to be a left over from my first course of chemo as it used to hurt then too. I am ok in myself, I need to concentrate on getting better at the moment and I know that all those around me want the same for me as well so I better get on with it!

Day 65

Woke up in the wee hours this morning and did a body diagnostic as is my way! Felt ok at 4.30am today, no pain in my liver area, just felt a little nauseous but not enough to need tablets. I managed to get back to sleep for a few more hours. I feel sluggish and tired and the old brain is not functioning properly already. Struggling with conversations and having to really think before I reply to people. I am not in any pain yet in my legs but my liver is making its presence known but not too much. I do not feel the need to take any pain relief for that just yet but I think I will take some for my ankles tonight so I can sleep. I know that when I get into bed tonight it will start to hurt. I am ok..not worried about it just getting on with it in my own way and it works for me. I know I will be feeling better by Wednesday - getting to be an old hand at this now! And the fact that I only have to go through this twice more is really good. I will do whatever it takes to come out the other side of this. Rest assured.