Day Fifty Two

Well, here I am. I have survived another round of chemo inducing angora knickers and sleepy head! Taking a valium at half seven this morning was a real eye opener - and then shutter! Totally chilled and relaxed. The valium stops the chemo from making you feel sick. I have just looked in the mirror, I am a whiter shader of pale and definitely thinning on top now, I look proper poorly but I don't feel it - yet. The disco dancing I had in my liver last time has not happened so much this time, but early days yet. I don't have to remove hair from under my arms anymore! Any hair that I have removed over the last week has not grown back. I went out today without my spare hair, just wore my funky pink hat that my angel bought me, hoop earrings and a bit of lippy and I was me again. She bought me another angel last night, a guardian angel crystal. Made me cry. I don't know what I would do without her. I've said it before and I'll say it again. I am a very lucky girl. I am protected, loved and very much at peace with what is going on. And I don't think it's the valium talking!

Day Fifty One

Feeling a little bit low today, not looking forward to chemo tomorrow. Also, hair loss is getting me down a bit. People's reactions have generally been good, but I don't feel like me anymore. If I wear my spare hair, I am very conscious of it. I walked into town today and the paranoia hit me - are people looking at me because it is obvious I am wearing a wig? Friends reassure me that it does look natural, but I don't like wearing it and I am not brave enough to go out looking bald. Listen to me, worrying about my hair when I have other things to worry about! But that's the thing, I am not worrying about that, just getting on with it. So perhaps I should listen to my own advice and just get on with it. I have asked my little person's school for some help - see, I can ask for help! I will need help over the next few weeks as my chemo progresses to get my little person to school. They sent home a letter yesterday to parents who live close to me, and today, three mums phoned me and offered their assistance. People are wonderful. I could not do this without people like that and my friends and family. Well, I shall do my best to be with you tomorrow, I am being zapped at 8.30am, I may be asleep all day, but I know you are thinking of me.

Day Fifty

Went to work today for the first time since shaving my head. I was not worried in the slightest, I am so at home there and among people who genuinely care for me. I walked in wearing my spare hair and got a wow. I took off my spare hair and got a bigger wow! I was told I look like Sigourney Weaver without and Cyndi Lauper with! Totally relaxed and comfortable not wearing my spare hair. I prefer to wear it outside, but inside, not at all. One of the guys saw me without it, then half an hour later with and commented that it had grown very quickly. Some of the guys even said that I should keep my short hair that way. Apparently I have a nicely shaped head! So feeling happy if tired, had more blood taken today in preparation for being zapped again on Friday. I don't like needles, but I suspect by the end of all this they won't be a problem any more. That comes from having my rubella injection on my 11th birthday and the nurse leaving the needle in my arm whilst she answered the phone!

Day Forty Nine

Braved the world with my spare hair! Put on loads of makeup, hoop earrings as promised and then popped it on. Took a bit of getting used to. Reactions from friends ranged from 'very sexy!' to 'wow!' and that I look better with straight hair. I like it, but I prefer not wearing it. I am back at work tomorrow so will have to see what my friends there say. I intend to go in wearing my spare hair and then take it off! It does feel so much better not wearing it. I didn't have a cold head in bed last night but my scalp is still sore. When I rub my head, the hair is still falling out, just shorter! I feel tired today, early night tonight I think.

Day Forty Eight

So much for clever hair! It started to fall out in a spectacular fashion in the shower this morning, so I have done it. I have had my head shaved by my best friend. There were tears to start off with but by the end, we were laughing! She threatened to take the hoover to my head, or a really large piece of sellotape! How do I feel? Back in control. It was awful seeing my hair coming away like that, now I have sorted it. My decision, not my hair's. And you know what? It feels fabulous. Really liberating. I put my spare hair on after having my shower, and it looks fine. But right now, I think I am going to be like Gail Porter and wear my cropped hair with pride. That was one of the bravest things I have ever done and now I feel all empowered! I prefer to still be me without my hair. So, lots of make up, large hoop earrings and away I go! I am still smiling.

Day Forty Seven

My scalp has been hurting the last two mornings when I washed my hair and this morning, loads of my hair fell out. Ok, maybe not enough to knit a vest, but enough to make a small spider bath ladder. Amazingly though, the rest of my hair still looks as thick and fabulous as yesterday. So perhaps I have a twofold thing going on here, the chemo has destroyed some of my hair producing cells and that is what has fallen out now, but as it's two weeks since my last session, the rest of it is compensating! Clever hair. Went to see 'Evan Almighty' today. If you have not seen it, Evan, a congressman, is instructed by God to make an Ark. Very funny, but what struck me was the message. Evan asked for an opportunity to be closer to his family, he and his sons built the ark together. Ark by the way stands for Acts of Random Kindness. Evan's congress manifesto was change the world. I wish I could change the world, or more precisely, change people's perceptions of the world. I want the whole world to realise how beautiful this planet is that we live on, how amazing we are as individuals and what a wonderful place it would be if we could all live in harmony. You know I am a hippy chick, now lets spread some love. If this is my opportunity to do it, it may be a little step but it's a step in the right direction. What was spooky though was when I came out of the cinema, it was just starting to rain and then when I turned my car stereo on, 'Keep the Faith' by Bon Jovi was playing. Enough said.

Day Forty Six

Slept really well last night, new bed is worth it's weight in gold. I am feeling fine, my eyes are tired but the rest of me is doing really well. I have been taking immune system boosting vitamins since Wednesday and I am not sure if it's them working or the chemo wearing off before the next session, but my hair is feeling almost back to normal. I was chatting with my neighbour this afternoon, she is only a couple of years younger than me, she was saying how shocked she was when she found out about me, but we chatted about loads of other stuff too and it was really good. I don't want my illness to be the sole topic of conversation at the moment - there is more to me than that! Her parting comment was if I need anything, I should knock. That has been everyones comment, it is good to know that there are people there for me should I need them. It's hard for me to ask for help, I am normally the one doing the helping, but if I need it, I will ask for it. That is what friends are for.