Day 1?

This time last year, on this day, I found out that the cancer had spread to my lymph nodes. It was my 13th wedding anniversary. I was yet to find out that it had spread to my liver and my right lung. I have just got back from seeing my oncologist. Ok, the good news is that my liver function tests are all showing normal, my ECG shows that my heart is normal and functioning well. The bad news is that my tumour markers are increasing again. When you have cancer, the cells put out a chemical that can be detected in your blood. Normal chemical levels are 0-50. When I finished my chemotherapy and had my check up in April, the markers were 9.7, well within normal boundaries. Three months later they have doubled to 17.4. What does this mean? Right now I don't know. They are going to refer me for another MRI scan. If this shows that the cancer has returned, I am looking at chemotherapy again. The doctor has told me this. He was also not overly concerned either. So how is my head feeling right now? Calmer than you might expect! I am not afraid of having chemo again (been there, done that!) and right now my body does not belong to me anyway. So bring it on. How is my heart feeling right now? It's breaking. The worst part about being ill is telling people that you are unwell, telling them bad news. I can put on a brave face, soften the blow, tell them that everything will be ok. This makes them feel better and therefore makes me feel better. All the way home all I could think about was my son and what I may have to put him through again. And of course all the other people around me that I love and who love me. I am not afraid. I never have been. But I still don't want to leave the party yet. I will keep you updated of course. You are with me all the way.

Journeys End?

Well I thought it was about time I brought you all up to speed with how I am doing. I saw my oncologist last Wednesday to be greeted with the news that all my blood results are now normal! I am still on the herceptin for now but they are looking at taking me off that. I have beaten this disease without any surgery or radiotherapy, purely chemotherapy and positive thinking and a lot of help from my friends. They are looking at keeping people like me on the herceptin now for 6 months instead of a year, I have already been on it for 4 months. My ECG's are also normal which means it is not affecting my heart. I think I have been extremely lucky. The chances of me getting this again is fairly high, thinking about it statitstically, if I was 70 when I first got this, I would only have around 15 years in which to get it again. As I was 34 when I got it, I am looking at potentially another 50 years in which I could get it. BUT! Beaten it once. Can do it again. I am still the postive person who started out on this journey but I am not the same person. I am stronger, calmer, fearless and I will never take anything for granted again. I have said it before, cancer can be a gift and it is up to us who have survived to make the most of our second chances.

New Years Eve

Well here we are, the end of 2007. It has been quite a year for me (think that is the understatement of the year!)but in all honesty, I can hand on my heart say that is has been the best year of my life. So much has happened to me but what it has all taught me is that I am finally where I should be - or getting there. I have ended two very destructive relationships, one with my ex-husband, the other with my own body and both experiences have shown me what I am capable of.

Those of you who have been travelling with me know how much I admire Lance Armstrong and his book about his own experience. He is just typical of the brave and courageous people who are living with cancer, whether they be sufferers or supporters. We are all brave and courageous, even if, like me, we don't feel it. I just want to give you a few lines from his book 'It's Not About the Bike' as I think he sums it up better than I could:

"The question that lingers is, how much was I a factor in my own survival, and how much was science, and how much is miracle? I don't have the answer to that question...What if I had lost? What if I had relapsed and the cancer came back? I still believe I would have gained something in the struggle, because in what time I had left I would have been a more complete, compassionate and intelligent man, and therefore more alive. The one thing the illness has conviced me of beyond all doubt is that we are much better than we know. We have unrealised capacities that sometimes only emerge in a crisis.

So if there is a purpose to the suffering that is cancer, I think it must be this: it's meant to improve us. I am very firm in my belief that cancer is not a form of death. I choose to redefine it: it is a part of life...the definition of courage is the quality of spirit that enables one to encounter danger with firmness and without fear."

Before I was finally diagnosed, when I was waiting for the test results, when I did not know that I had cancer, I was terrified. Once I knew what I was fighting, that was it. The battle plans were drawn up and I went to war. And I was never afraid. Of losing the battle or of dying. I made my peace with the fact that this could kill me. When I was told that the chemo was successful, that I was beating this thing, I cried my heart out because although I made peace with dying, it made me realise how much I really wanted to live, how much I have to live for. I believe that we all have to go through one life changing experience to make us realise what life is, to not move from one day to the next without experiencing how lucky we are to be alive. This has been mine. So perhaps life changing is the wrong word. Try life awakening. I have said it all the way through. I am incredibly lucky. That is why this has been the best year of my life and I could not have done it without the support of some very special people, my family, my friends, my son, the staff at the hospital and a very special man.

This is going to be my last daily post. It seems a natural conclusion. For those of you reading this who have been touched by cancer, fight the good fight and enjoy every day as much as you possibly can. I suspect you are already doing that. I hope that your treatment is as successful as mine has been. To my friends who are reading this, thank you just does not touch it. I will never forget what you have done for me without you even knowing or me asking. You just did it. For my son. I did this for you. You never knew how scared I was or that there was a possibility that I might not make it. I am sorry that at times I was tired and grumpy and tried to make you wear my spare hair. You can keep me. Listen to your angels darling. Mine told me I had nothing to be afraid of. And as for you hunny - you know it already. I did it for you too - did not want to get my backside kicked!

May 2008 bring you all good luck and good health. I am going to drop in once in a while just to keep you updated but for now, goodbye. Love to you all xxx

Day 166

Finally feeling physically more like the old me, virtually back to how I was before I was diagnosed. The breathlessness and dizziness has gone, feeling stronger every day. It won't be long before I have to use shampoo again! Sleeping all the way through the night and back to waking up around half six instead of wanting to sleep until 9am at least. Even the veins on the back of my left hand are looking blue instead of brown, recovering from the chemo. Rest and recuperation are working their magic. I am proud of myself, little achievements such as putting flat pack furniture together by myself really boost me. I feel capable of anything. If having cancer and getting divorced at the same time can't stop me from smiling, nothing can! I am feeling stronger not just physically but emotionally as well, less prone to worrying and more likely to confront any problems I may have. It is very true. What does not kill you makes you stronger.

Day 165

Feeling a little sleepy today, fell asleep tucked upon the sofa this afternoon which I have not done for a while. I had a fairly busy morning, took the Christmas tree down this morning and tidied up, getting the house back to normal. I do love Christmas but it is nice to get everything back ship shape again. It is nice to be tucked up and cosy whilst it is being so foul outside. I really am making the most of my holiday, resting up - it's good not to have to wake up so early on these dark mornings. I was sat here last night and I thought to myself, I do not have to do anything. First time for a long time, what with going to hospital, going to work and generally living from day to day. I can relax for the next few days and put my feet up. Bliss!!

Day 164

Nipped into work this morning for a little while to see the folks and to check that my desk was not groaning too much after a week. It was so good to see my friends. I logged onto the system and it was not long before people realised I was at my desk and the phone started ringing! One of my friends is back after being on a course for six weeks and it was really good to catch up. And my hair is slightly longer than his now! We compared notes on fuzziness. When I am doing my blog, I watch the 'blogger feed', that is all the photos that are being uploaded to blogs from all around the world. There is an awful lot of love out there! So good to see. Good to know. It really is what makes the world go round.

Day 163

I braved the sales this morning and I triumphed! Was in and out in an hour and a half with everything that I wanted to get. I am feeling about as well as I can do at the moment apart from a headache which I am having trouble shifting. My skin is starting to misbehave a little, the same as it did after my first chemo but nothing to worry about. It felt like I spent the entire night dreaming, woke up feeling exhausted. This is probably fall out from the stress that I have been under over the last few months, even though when I was going through it I did not feel that stressed. I am going to have a very lazy day for the rest of the day - I can feel a nap coming on!