Day 64

Round four under my belt now! Went really well, the nurse managed to get it in first time which was a relief after last time. Also had to see the doctor as I have not seen a consultant since August. My MRI date is the 13th November and they cannot decide on my future treatment until they have the results of this but according to the doctor I have lots of options still. Even if the docetexel is not working there are other forms of chemo they can throw at me. She even spoke of me continuing on the herceptin after - but you can also have docetexel and herceptin together. She said the herceptin had worked because my breast lump has not come back nor the tumours on my lungs and lymph nodes. That made me feel so much better! Of course I am worried that the chemo is not working. That is only natural. I had quite a lot of pain last week in the liver area and then I woke up Thursday morning and I felt 'different'. I am not in any pain at the moment and I am buzzing from the steroids so I am actually feeling really good just now!

Day 62

Thought I better say hello constant reader.. at the moment if I am not working I am sleeping but I am surrounded by people who care for me. I have enjoyed being at work this week, managed to do what needed doing as I won't be there next week. Know it is in safe hands. My boss made me laugh today, as I left I said to him have a good weekend and he replied have a nice chemo! I know he meant well! Right now I am feeling like I want to shut myself away from the outside world a bit, it's ok, just not looking forward to Friday. Each time it is getting harder to get the canula in. I have terrible veins, so the wrong person for this disease! I want to wrap myself up in my duvet and stay there,just me. Don't worry, you know this is a temporary thing as do I, this time next week I will be bouncing again. Remember I told you that I wanted to put how I felt once better in a bottle? I did. And I remember how it feels. I reckon just a couple of drops of that amazing feeling will keep me going over the next week or so. One thing the chemo can't get rid of though.. I am still laughing with my friends. All angels suffer. But all angels have wings to keep them flying. This is me wrapping my wings around me. I will come out the other side smiling in the sun.

Day 57

Guess what.. still feeling shattered!! And have a pain in my right hand side now as well but I suspect this is due to the fact that I have been having cow's milk on my cereal for the last two mornings instead of soya milk- I have noticed a pain when I have cheese as well hence why normally all dairy is off my list at the moment. Have no fear I am back on the soya milk now. Even when I wake up from my naps I feel tired, it takes me 5-10 mins to actually get out of bed whereas normally I am a leap out of bed sort of person. But as I said to my son earlier, it's not forever and I will be feeling less tired after Christmas. I am looking forward to Christmas, this year I will have my son with me and I am going to make sure we have the best time. And I think I will be entitled to a nap after lunch!

Day 56

I walked into the office today and I have to say it was wonderful - my team has not been altogether for such a long time and we were nearly all back together today. And if that was not enough for me, the soft sods bought me a huge bunch of flowers. I really am the luckiest girl in the world. I have a job I love working with people I love. It was so good, sitting there watching them all as the banter was going around the office. Felt like being home. I slept again this morning and then managed to do all afternoon and I am not overly tired now so I think that is the way to go forward. Everyone is saying that there is no pressure on me going to work, that anytime I do is a bonus. The point is - I want to be there. Apart from the fact that all my friends are there, it keeps things normal and I enjoy the brainwork involved in my job. So I am going to sleep in the mornings and then go into work in the afternoon. It was good to be home today. Thanks guys xxx

Day 55

I am so tired! I slept again for ten hours last night, got up, made it into work for 2 1/2 hours and then came home again to sleep... which I did. It is beginning to concern me how much sleep I am actually needing at the moment, the fatigue is hitting me on a much larger scale this time. I had a chat with my line manager today, they are actually providing more funding for my job share - providing she can do the hours - so that I don't have to worry about coming in. We discussed me not coming in at all for a while and I think for the first time it's something I may have to consider. I definitely struggled to get in this morning. I am going to try having my nap in the morning and then going in the afternoons to see if I can manage that. Other than that I am feeling ok, I have noticed my eyelashes are starting to suffer a bit - I did lose most of them last time but my eyebrows are still going strong - I didn't lose them last time either. But still got my smile.

Day 54

Feeling a little better today, slept for ten hours last night but still went back to bed this morning and then fell asleep on the sofa this afternoon. I had fatigue last time with the chemo but not on this scale, I really feel that I could sleep around the clock quite cheerfully. Do you remember me telling you that my nails hurt on my first and second fingers of both hands - the pain has now gone but I noticed today I have now got purple moons on my nails, I can now see in my nails when I started chemo and the difference in the colour before and after. The dull ache in my side has virtually gone now, I get the odd twinge now and then but its not even a twinge, more like a low rumble. The difference in my attitude this time with having chemo is probably the biggest difference. Last time I was still trying to get into work every day, I know I pushed myself way to hard, even my boss said I was overdoing it. I took my body for granted. This time I am listening to my body and I am doing what I used to do when I was a child. If I was ever feeling poorly I used to take myself off to bed and sleep. Sleep is my healer. Ok, this is me admitting to myself - I am about as poorly now as I can be. So I need as much sleep as I can get. And I must stop beating myself up about it. I can stop sleeping when I am better.

Day 53

Woke up this morning feeling totally urgh.. to add insult to injury I have a cold. I managed to do the entire course of chemo last year without getting one cold, this is the second one I have had already this course and I am only half way through. Chemo knocks out your immune system so I am more susceptible to lurgies. I will be ok though in a couple of days. In the meantime just keeping warm, drinking lots and blowing my nose constantly - oh I look so attractive!!