New Years Eve

A day when we reflect on the year that has passed and what a year it has been - again! I so hope that 2009 will be a smoother ride for me. I think it will be. Things are clicking into place one by one like train tracks and it makes me smile when I realise what is happening. And it also makes me think, why would that be happening if the end of my journey is near. I am back on track literally. So, I raise a glass to 2008, thank you for teaching me many valuable lessons, for bringing me more friends than I have ever had, for finally bringing me the peace that I have been searching for all my life and for all the laughs I have had. It has been a hard year for many reasons but as always, what does not kill us makes us stronger. I have cried lots this year as well but I have got plenty of people around me to make me smile again. Friends and family are precious. Tell them you love them all the time, remember to hug them often - random hugs are wonderful! This is my last blog for a while, as with last year, it seems a fitting place for me to end. As always, I will drop in when I have news but for now, here's to 2009. May it bring you peace, light, love and laughter. Thank you for travelling with me.

Day 124

Woke up this morning and thought to myself, this will be the first week since August last year that I won't be having blood taken or treatment of any kind. It's a funny feeling, being out here on my own. I knew it would hit me eventually. It did not help that I was lying on my back in bed and my liver reminded me it was there as well, not pain, just a tight feeling like I have pulled a muscle there. I had pain every time in the run up to having treatment except this time I am not having any treatment. I am not going to lie to you. I am terrified that it will come back and that it will come back quickly. I am not being checked now until March but if needs be I can have chemo again in June. That seems a long way away but in relative terms its not too bad. I will just have to keep a close eye on myself. I know the signs now, know if I am feeling overly tired or if I have pain to let the doctor know. I am a little afraid to get out there and start living, of coming into contact with people in case I am not around for very much longer. I know that is a horrible thought but I have to say it. On the other hand, I am determined to lose all the weight I have put on with the chemo and get my body back. Of course I am going to consider my own mortality, I have been walking side by side with death - and life - for the last 17 months. Makes me more determined to get out there and enjoy it - once I have stopped feeling so sleepy!!

My stars for today...Remember that fear of the future is not a healthy motivator. If you are scared, work on transforming your negativity into hope and love. Wow!!! Somebody was listening to me! Hehehe.

Christmas Day

What a wonderful day, possibly the best Christmas I have ever had. No stresses from an ex husband or other family member to ruin my day, I laughed so much this morning at my son opening his presents that I had tears streaming down my cheeks, it was one of those moments that you lock away in your head and keep safe. We have had a relaxed day, happy to do our own thing and also happy to be together, we have eaten lots and relaxed together. Exactly what I needed. I am thankful for being here, I am very aware that it could have been so different if I hadn't responded to the treatment not once but twice now. I suppose its days like these that make you sit back and think, to not take things for granted. I am not only a very lucky girl but I am a very happy girl, I am loved and I love and that is what Christmas and every day is all about. Merry Christmas xxx

Christmas Eve

My favourite day of the year, cosy and warm, tree lights twinkling, candles lit, watching Polar Express and drinking hot chocolate with my son.. this is my idea of heaven. For those of you who know me, I am a bit if a hippy chick and last night I did my rune stones. I have been doing them for years and mine are always spot on. I picked one stone, just to see and this is what I got - the start of a new phase, good health and advancement in my career (I go back to work full time in the New Year)...the outlook is particularly good for vitality and the return of health after a period of sickness! I couldn't believe it when I pulled that one. I was lying in bed this morning and I loved the fact that I have no pain in my liver, I can lie on my right hand side and it doesn't hurt anymore. I feel all calm and settled and its wonderful. This is going to be a truly magical Christmas.

Day 117

I shopped. I conquered!! All set and settled now for the festive period. Feeling a little bit tired but then I have had to do more this week than I would do normally if I was recuperating. Determined to have a wonderful Christmas this year, last year was horrible as I didn't have my son with me as he was at his Dad's but I have my boy with me this year, I am feeling better, I have a lot to be thankful for and I am happy. Feel peaceful finally. I had an awful dream last night, I dreamt that the cancer had come back on my right lung and there was nothing they could do for me. I know it was just a dream and it's my brains way of downloading. I am not going to think about it - to be honest I don't think about it at all now until I am reminded by my own body! Cross every bridge when I come to it and then face it head on as always.

Day 116

Feeling much more like me, getting my energy back slowly. It does not hurt as much to go up stairs but my ankles are still terribly swollen, in fact its my entire foot that is swollen. Will keep an eye on it, give it a little while longer before I see the doctor. My toes are still numb as well. On the upside though.. not feeling sick anymore. My body still feels horrible, I can't wait for it to be mine again. Put the Christmas tree up with the little chap this afternoon, took a bit of oomph to get it sorted but glad I have done it now, just got to do my food shopping and then I am all done - thank goodness! When I think how rough I was feeling this time last week, so glad that's all over.

Day 112

Still feeling twinges but a whole lot better today, it does seem to be taking its time to go away this time but I suppose the effects are accumulative. I have no feeling in my toes and my finger tips are still desensitised - cooking is fun as I can turn things over on the grill and I can't feel it! Only kidding!! Not sleeping very well at the moment so having to have naps at the moment but not worried about it. The best thing is virtually no pain at all in the liver area, I can sleep on my right hand side without even thinking about it. Managed to get around the shops alright this morning and even my walking is better already, able to stride out again but just being careful as too much still makes me breathless. I am over the worst of it, I know I am. So! The next big challenge is.. to finish my Christmas shopping, get the pressies wrapped and put the tree up! This time next week... and relax two, three.