Up... and down again

Hit the low today, same way I did after I was diagnosed last year. I handle the news full on and throw myself at it with all guns blazing and then I have to come down again. I had to go to the doctors this morning to have bloods taken for my last Herceptin on Friday (spookily it will be number 13)and the poor nurse asked me how I was - fatal. I ended up sobbing my heart out with her giving me a cuddle. But then dried my eyes and put that smile back on my face.. if I start to scream now I suspect I could crack the world... so instead, I take a deep breath, smile because if you smile on the outside you smile on the inside and those positive endorphins just love whipping the butts of cancer cells! I am fine now. I realised I have not had that pain at all in my side since Sunday so it's not all bad. I want to know my tumour marker results from the bloods I had taken today, I want to know if they have increased again. I suspect they will have but at least now I know why, where it is and what I am doing about it. And that means I feel calmer.

Work

First day back at work today after being told last Thursday - there was a part of me that didn't want to go in because I knew that I had to talk to more people and others would want to discuss it with me. I needn't have been worried. Yet again work are rallying round and it was actually really good to know where I stand and to be able to laugh with my friends. I really am being watched over. Cancer may have my body but my the rest of me is being looked after really really well.

Attack

I won't suffer, be broken, get tired or wasted, surrender to nothing or give up what I've started and stopped it, from end to beginning, a new day is dawning and I am full of life..I will attack.

'Attack' 30 Seconds to Mars.

I am at war. Bring it on.

Here we go again!

Ok constant reader, I have had the results from my MRI. The good news is that I have beaten breast, lung and lymph cancer!!! The bad news is I have got cancer of the liver. Bugger. I have two tumours on my liver, once is 3cm long and the other one is there but smaller. So what does this mean. Well, my liver is still functioning normally, bizarrely! Its not being affected by the tumours at all. I am now only dealing with one site not four. I am in a little bit of discomfort but its not continual. Next step.. more chemo. I am going to have another course of chemotherapy, a different one this time. It will make me lose my hair again (thats fine cos what I have now is sooo scary!!!) Then they will follow me up with different medication. The herceptin is not working. I told you I was an awkward customer!! I have told work I am going to have more time off this time - I only had 12 days off with the chemo last time. The chemo will affect me differently (well hey, why break the habit of a life time!)How do I feel.. now the initial shock has worn off and I have stopped crying and raging against the world (that was quick, only found out 4 hours ago) I feel calm and guess what.. bring it on. I am all fired up and ready to go. This chick is so not ready to leave the party yet.

MRI

I had a full body MRI on Thursday and they did my brain as well - not that they will find much in there! It's the first time I have been scanned since last October and since I stopped chemo in December. At the moment I am still waiting to see what the results are. Worrying about the results is not going to change them so I am not worrying. I think when I get the phone call from the doctor though my heart will be pounding and I will go icy cold. How do I feel in myself? Fine actually! I am a little more tired than usual, still get a bit breathless if I overdo it but I am not in any pain - the ache I have in my side is still there intermittantly but its certainly not constant - I am not in any pain right now. I am sleeping well, eating well and having so much fun with my friends. Life is good. I am looking at another autumn, not planning anything for the future still - my last herceptin will be administered on December 12th and that is when the scary time begins - unless the results from the scan dictate otherwise. I will let you know the results...

Day 1?

This time last year, on this day, I found out that the cancer had spread to my lymph nodes. It was my 13th wedding anniversary. I was yet to find out that it had spread to my liver and my right lung. I have just got back from seeing my oncologist. Ok, the good news is that my liver function tests are all showing normal, my ECG shows that my heart is normal and functioning well. The bad news is that my tumour markers are increasing again. When you have cancer, the cells put out a chemical that can be detected in your blood. Normal chemical levels are 0-50. When I finished my chemotherapy and had my check up in April, the markers were 9.7, well within normal boundaries. Three months later they have doubled to 17.4. What does this mean? Right now I don't know. They are going to refer me for another MRI scan. If this shows that the cancer has returned, I am looking at chemotherapy again. The doctor has told me this. He was also not overly concerned either. So how is my head feeling right now? Calmer than you might expect! I am not afraid of having chemo again (been there, done that!) and right now my body does not belong to me anyway. So bring it on. How is my heart feeling right now? It's breaking. The worst part about being ill is telling people that you are unwell, telling them bad news. I can put on a brave face, soften the blow, tell them that everything will be ok. This makes them feel better and therefore makes me feel better. All the way home all I could think about was my son and what I may have to put him through again. And of course all the other people around me that I love and who love me. I am not afraid. I never have been. But I still don't want to leave the party yet. I will keep you updated of course. You are with me all the way.

Journeys End?

Well I thought it was about time I brought you all up to speed with how I am doing. I saw my oncologist last Wednesday to be greeted with the news that all my blood results are now normal! I am still on the herceptin for now but they are looking at taking me off that. I have beaten this disease without any surgery or radiotherapy, purely chemotherapy and positive thinking and a lot of help from my friends. They are looking at keeping people like me on the herceptin now for 6 months instead of a year, I have already been on it for 4 months. My ECG's are also normal which means it is not affecting my heart. I think I have been extremely lucky. The chances of me getting this again is fairly high, thinking about it statitstically, if I was 70 when I first got this, I would only have around 15 years in which to get it again. As I was 34 when I got it, I am looking at potentially another 50 years in which I could get it. BUT! Beaten it once. Can do it again. I am still the postive person who started out on this journey but I am not the same person. I am stronger, calmer, fearless and I will never take anything for granted again. I have said it before, cancer can be a gift and it is up to us who have survived to make the most of our second chances.