Day 108

I had a good day yesterday, woke up around 5am and had to take some anti-sickness tablets but then slept through unti 9.30am. I braved the hideous weather for a quick shopping trip and then cosied up for the rest of the evening. I have woken up this morning and I don't feel sick but the pain in my legs is making itself known, it's almost like an angry animal waking up, at the moment it's still feeling dozy but I strongly suspect it will be wide awake by bedtime so I just have to try and manage this the best I can with my pain killers. This is the last time I have to go through this and I know that by Wednesday I will be feeling better, I am wanting to start getting back into shape but I know I have to take it easy for a bit. I have had virtually no feeling of pain from my liver area, hardly a twinge at all which implies to me there is nothing there to hurt anymore.. the acid test will be in two weeks time when I would have been having chemo again, that is when I have been feeling it a bit. I think I have whooped it this time. Feel more confident than I did last year. Still keeping those fingers crossed.

Day 106

I have done it!!! Completed my second course of chemotherapy. And bless her, the nurse got the canula in the first time. A perfect ending to a necessary evil. I am feeling just fine at the moment, if a little bit tired. I also spoke to the doctor, the swelling in my ankles and hand is down to the steroids, they have caused muscle wastage in my thigh muscles so I have to wait around 4 weeks to see if the pain goes off. If it does, it was the steroids, if it wasn't I have to go back to my GP as it could be something else.. oh I hope it isn't, not sure that I can take any more of my body being rebellious. I want to start exercising and getting rid of the weight that I have put on, also exercising is proven to assist with the recovery and remission of cancer. I am so relieved this is over. I will sleep tonight, I know it. As my friend Bryher said, tomorrow is the first day of the rest of my life - thank you my diamond friend. I am making plans for my future and looking forward to getting on with my life without feeling like a lab rat for a while. What a wonderful Christmas present.

Day 105

Feeling a bit more positive today thanks to some contructive advice from my friends regarding my upset about my collegue who passed away this week. Feeling upbeat about the fact that this is the last time I have to go through this. Feeling anxious about having the canula in again tomorrow. Feeling lots of pain in my legs already, it's the steroids, I have noticed it the last three rounds so I will take a pain killer tonight to help me sleep. Going up stairs is a real effort but the last two weeks I have found it hard to walk any distance as well, legs feel really heavy. I have cleaned the house, done the shopping and all my chores in preparation, the same way I have done every round as I know I will be feeling rubbish for the next few days.. then it will pass and I will be over it for the last time.. I hope. Then I can take a deep breath, face it head on and look forward to living again. It's been a long old slog, July last year was when I was diagnosed so been at this for 17 months now. Time for living.

Day 104

Had my last blood test yesterday! Only took the nurse two goes to get it this time as well, I knew it would be ok. Then got to work and had some bad news. A lady who works on another team passed away on Monday evening.. the reason it was so shocking to me was that she went to the doctor last week feeling poorly, was diagnosed with pneumonia and leukaemia. I just can't get that out of my head. As someone who has been given the chance to fight the good fight I feel cheated on her behalf. Leukaemia is treatable too, it was the pneumonia that killed her. Brought it home to me a bit, I have been quite dismissive of the fact that I am wide open to infection at the moment, even put off going to the doctors last week with a sore mouth. What a surprise, I am feeling down and its two days before my round of chemo! I have been like this before every round. I am not looking forward to the canulation or the pain that I am going to be going through soon, the fact that I am going to be feeling pants for my son's 11th birthday etc. But I am still here. Keep her safe for me.

Day 102

Sorry I have not been with you for a while, I managed to get an infection last week. I woke up Sunday morning with a sore tongue which I have had with the chemo before, but by the end of Tuesday my mouth was sore, it was spreading along my gum line and my glands were up on the right hand side of my throat. So I am now on antibiotics and feeling all better now. The doctor said that ordinarily it's the sort of infection that I would have fought off by myself but because my immune system is compromised with the chemo, it managed to get a grip. I have had lots more complications with this course of chemo, last year it was like a walk in the park. I really feel as if I have been treated this time. It also feels different - last year I didn't feel as if I had got rid of it, and I hadn't. This time I feel as if I have really kicked it into touch. Let's keep our fingers crossed.

Day 96

Brrrr its cold!! Having no hair makes all the difference, I just don't seem to be able to keep warm at the moment. It doesn't help that the heating at work is dodgy so I am sat at my desk in a fleece with my scarf on! I walked into town today, it's not far, but my legs ached so much. They feel really heavy, like my bones are made of lead. I know that's the chemo as it's my legs that hurt after each treatment. I had to finish work after lunch today and come home for a sleep, slept for 2 hours this afternoon but I feel better now. I have not been sleeping very well over the last few nights, just can't seem to settle which isn't like me. I am actually looking forward to getting my body back once the chemo has finished. At the moment it belongs to the doctors, I just do as I am told. My fingernails are just about hanging in there but they are looking really odd, all covered in ridges and the pink bit of my nail is receding. I know that everything will get back to normal though once the treatment stops. And looking forward to that. That is when the real fun starts! Cancer sufferers all say that when the treatment stops, that's when the real psychological warfare begins.. every ache is something else, is it coming back, have I beaten it, waiting on blood test results and so forth. I am prepared, I know it is coming. I think I can handle it.

Day 95

Spoke to my oncologist today regarding the scan and the cessation of my treatment. He told me that my biggest lump was just slightly bigger than a golf ball - it's now the size of a malteser! And the smaller one was 2.5cm big, it's now 6mm big... and this was only after 4 rounds of chemo. I feel so much happier. I also asked him about having more rounds of chemo, which he didn't deny was an option. However, he also told me that I can have docetaxel every 6 months if necessary. The problem is that prolonged use of the drug compromises my bone marrow, if I have a rest in between it allows my bone marrow to recover. I must admit, my legs are achey, I have noticed that stairs are an effort. I told him how well I was feeling and he replied with imagine how good you are going to feel once the chemo has stopped - good point well presented! I felt well enough to do a full day on my first day back to work after chemo. The new diet has begun as well, low protein, lots of fruit and veggies. I have got to give me the best chance to keep up the good work.