Day 90

I feel fantastic today and better than last time yet again. No fatigue at all really and some pain in the liver area which is nice - those cells are getting a hammering again. I have some news for you so get comfortable because this one is going to be a long one I feel. I have received a letter today from my oncologist. Basically, he confirms that the treatment is working and the lumps in my liver are smaller in the scan than they were in August - hurrah!!!! The blood markers also reflect this. However, and this is where I came unstuck a little (but only temporarily), because the Herceptin did not keep the cancer away and because my cancer is not a hormonal one, there is no maintenance medication for me. I am to have my last round of chemo on December 12th and then... wait and see. The oncologist wants to see me in March. Ok, millions of things running round my head at the moment so please bear with me, I just need to get them out. Ok, if the Herceptin didn't keep it at bay in my breast, lymph and lung - that means I did! So what now for me. Well, as of now, I am at war. It is now my responsibility to give myself the best chance of surviving this and to do everything I can to beat this at its own game. So, healthy diet (not that its that bad at the moment), more exercise and more importantly - no more worrying. I was taught a valuable lesson when I was at school, I used to worry about everything. Then a friend said, if you can do something about it, do it, if you can't, don't worry about it. It has been my mantra ever since. In this case, I can do something about it, I can go and kick bottom. I cannot worry about dying - I certainly can't do anything about that! One thing I have noticed is that when I get upset, I get pain in my liver. So no more getting upset. I was right, laughter and love really are going to get me through this. If you are reading this, please, get out there and enjoy your life, grab the world in both hands and give it the biggest hug. I have been given this chance to do just that and I am going to. I am going to beat this. I know I am. I have the biggest smile on my face right now - can you feel it? I put my car stereo on today and 30 Seconds to Mars was on - Attack. Oh bring it on. I won't suffer, be broken,get tired or wasted, surrender to nothing or give up what I've started and stopped this from end to beginning, a new day is coming and I am full of life. Damn right I am.

Day 89

Another really rough night, the pain in my legs woke me up and I had to go downstairs to get more pain relief at 3am. The pain did not abate at all today until about 2pm when I took some pain killers - pain relief really is the correct phrase! I called the doctor with regards to the levels of medication I take to manage this and he said it's ok for me to try and bolster up my levels before I go to bed so that at least I can try and have an undisturbed night. The problem I have is that when I take the pain killers, my kidneys ache, regardless of how much I drink to flush them through. And I have had my first ever nose bleed today.. not an event I feel like celebrating but it shows the hammering my body is taking at the moment. However, I feel better than I did this time yesterday, can actually feel myself coming out the other side of this again, my body getting back to normal. Very Phoenix and ashes scenario! I will be better again tomorrow and the day after that. Difference being is that this time I know it's not been for nothing, all this pain and discomfort has been worth it.

Just thought you would like to know, its been 4 hours since I wrote that and I have come out the other side of the pain again - usually its the Wednesday morning that I wake up feeling better but I actually felt the transition to humanity this afternoon!

Day 88

Had a bit of a bad night, the new pain killers I have been given worked quick enough but didn't last as long so I woke up at 3am and my legs were painful. I am not complaining though as I have not felt the same whoozey feeling that I do with the other pain killers. My legs are aching lots as is my left wrist. I have bruised really badly after the chemo as well this time, four spectacular bruises on my arms from the cannulation. Yet again though I know this is only temporary and I will be feeling better by Wednesday. Craving carbohydrates this time as well which is another sign that I am healing - and no pain in my liver! Just felt a little bit tight this morning but have hardly thought about it at all today.

Day 86

Feeling ok-ish at the moment, didn't sleep very well last night thanks to the blessed steroids but managed to sleep this afternoon for a little while. What has gone though is the niggling voice in the back of my head that used to whisper "Are you going to make it this time?". I have been drinking lots to flush through the chemicals but I already have pain in my ankles which means I will have to take a painkiller tonight. I am looking forward to Christmas and New Years now for the first time, thinking about when to put up the lights, my works Christmas dinner and what to wear to it, that sort of thing. That is the biggest difference. I have got my future back.

Day 85

Well then.. what news do I have to tell you today.. let me see. How does the chemo is working grab you??!!! Saw the oncall oncologist this morning and initally he didn't have the MRI results which he was very disappointed about (as was I) but he let me see my tumour marker graph. When cancer cells grow they put out a chemical which they measure in my blood tests. In April that was 9.7, in August it had increased to 17.4 which indicated there was cancerous growth. When I started chemo it rocketed to over 60 - now this is normal, the cells kick out more chemical in defence. But my last marker before round 5 of chemo which I had today was 19!! That puts me back under normal parameters. In addition to this, my liver function has been normal all the way through - my liver has never known it's been under attack which is incredible. I then had my chemo and it was a nightmare getting the cannula in - 6 attempts. My arms are black and blue tonight. They have said that if I need to have more intravenous treatment such as the Herceptin they are going to put a permanent line into me under my skin so I don't have to keep being cannulated. It wasn't too bad today, just fed up with being a pin cushion - the nurse laughed and said I shouldn't have a bath in case I leaked! Anyway, I was sat there having my chemo and the oncologist came and found me - he had called the MRI department and they had told him there was definite improvement! I still haven't wiped the grin off my face. You have no idea how I am feeling, such a massive weight off me. I knew I was winning as I have been feeling better but to have it in black and white is fantastic. My phone was hot all this afternoon and to all of you who have been supporting me through this - thank you. You will never know how much you have given me. I can now start to live again, to plan things and isn't it just the best Christmas present ever!! I feel like me again. I was also chatting to another patient yesterday and he told me about his sister who had cancer 17 years ago and is still with them. I needed to hear that. Thanks friends. Love you all.

Day 83

I cannot believe how different I feel today. I have done a full day at work and bar a need for a cup of coffee at 2pm, I did not feel too tired. I also have no pain what so ever today. My boss cannot believe that I have done 2 full days at work, he is expecting me to be feeling worse. I needed a kick up the bottom yesterday and I got one, feeling much more positive again. I had a lot of things whirling round my head yesterday, feeling more settled about things, more positive and feeling more like myself again. I have a sneaking suspicion I was kicking bottom yesterday as well, that was the most pain I have felt from the liver area ever and then to get that hot, itchy feeling later on.. I have felt that before, when my breast lump was being beaten. It's that, plus the fact that I am feeling so good - as my boss put it, you can't be ill if you are feeling well - that has given me the boost I needed. I AM going to beat this. I better had!

Day 82

Had another rough day today. I am in quite a lot of pain in my side right now, actually considering taking a pain killer tonight. I know I am also feeling bad because its treatment day on Friday. It didn't help that yet again they had a hell of a job getting blood out of me for my blood tests. No joy with my arm so the nurse had to take it from the back of my hand and boy it hurt. She was fabulous though, she has given me some magic anaesthetic cream for Friday. I am just so fed up with being ill. I ended up in tears on my friend at work today, just bubbled up and I couldn't do anything about it. I am struggling a bit mentally at the moment. But as I went home today I turned on the radio and there was a song playing, Wires by Athlete..

You got wires, going in
You got wires, coming out of your skin
You got tears, making tracks
I got tears, that are scared of the facts

Well that got my attention.. I was crying by this point. Then the lines..

I see it in your eyes, I see it in your eyes
You'll be alright
I see it in your eyes, I see it in your eyes
You'll be alright

I needed to hear that. As I have been typing this, the pain in my side has changed. It got really intense about half an hour ago. I now have a really deep itchy feeling in my side. You know what - I am going to be alright.