Day 45

I have woken up late this morning, slept really well apart from having my now to be regular early morning feed at 6.30am! Had some cereal with some anti-sickness tablets and then managed to sleep for another 3 hours. As I went downstairs this morning I felt the first warning twinges in my ankles - my left ankle more this time and my left wrist is a bit tender. However, I have just cooked and polished off a full english breakfast so I am obviously feeling just fine! I do feel fine in myself as well, I had loads of contact with my friends yesterday, they are around for me today and I don't have to do anything today so I am going to have a lazy one and rest up. My little fella is being a real star, letting me sleep when I need it. I am so proud of him. He still does not know that I am poorly, he just thinks that I have changed my medication. He is not asking questions and I am not going to tell him. I cannot wait for this all to be over so that I can get back to being his mum again and not somebody who is sleeping around the clock all the time.

Day 44

Not feeling too bad at the moment, the steroids have given me a rosy glow. I woke up at half six, had my first lot of steroids with some cereal and then managed to get back to sleep for another hour or so. I am feeling fairly tired at the moment,I took the little fella to the movies after lunch and could feel myself flagging on the way back to the car. I came home, did a little light housework and then crashed out on the bed for another hour. I did have to take anti-sickness tablets this morning but it was a case of prevention rather than cure. It's tomorrow I am going to be hit if its going to hit me. I am not worrying though. I know I can sleep as much as I want and will rest when I can. I also have the super duper pain killers to kick it into touch should I need them. Feeling calm and relaxed and ready for the fight.I have had no pain in the liver area at all yet, the dull ache that I had before has virtually gone. This is how it was when my breast lump was dying, I had two rounds of chemo and had extreme pain in the lump area and then it went off again. I do not wish to tempt fate but having been through this before its following the same pattern again. Feeling warm and protected.

Day 43

Round 3 over and done with. Bad side was that the vein they put the canula in first, in the back of my left hand collapsed whilst I was waiting for the meds and when they tried to push the meds through the pain was excruciating- made me cry! And you know it takes a lot to make me cry. But then they put in through my right arm and I did not even feel the canula go in. And I didn't get the irritating need to get away from the medicine feeling so much this time. So how am I feeling now? Very tired but then I was awake for a while last night thanks to the steroids, they do mess with my sleep patterns. I was eating cereal at 4am this morning because I woke up hungry! But other than that I am feeling fine. Just about to take my second lot of steroids for the day, I have to have more tomorrow and then thats me done. And no more chemo now for another 3 weeks! I am at the peak of the mountain, my treatment is all down hill from now on. My hair is growing back already and its not the baby fuzz I had last year, this is proper bristly hair possibly due to the fact that I am not wearing spare hair, just my hats and I am not wearing them all the time either. And its blonde. See, the things I go through to get blonde hair!!! Thanks to all of you who sent me messages of support today, they mean so much to me, just knowing you guys are rooting for me and thinking of me. Love you all.

Day 42

Feeling so much better today! See, I said I would. I took my steroids after breakfast and went back to bed, slept. I took them again after lunch and went back to bed and slept again! And I have not had the shakes and palpatations that I have had before because I slept them off! It is definitely the way to go forward. Curiously I had mild aching in my legs today. My blood results are normal yet again - I want to see my tumour markers now though. But I think I will sneak a peek after 3 rounds of chemo as the markers always go up initially and I don't want to scare myself. I went to Tesco this afternoon to get all my food in so that I don't have to worry next week and I have to say I had loads of smiles! Now some of them would have been uncomfortable smiles - I am just wearing my hat again but I have to say that I see a gentler side of humanity at the moment and it's beautiful. People do become incredibly protective when they see one of their own is 'suffering'. Now, to look at me, I am the least victim looking like person on the planet! But I still get the smiles because I smile at them first. And that makes me happy.

Day 41

Feeling a little better today but still feeling a little emotional. I have my friends around me again and I feel more settled but I found myself getting tearful again at work. I am so close to my friends there, it breaks my heart when I think that I may be leaving them. I don't want to leave the party. I know what this is all about. I have to have another MRI in about 4 weeks time and it will show if the tumours are shrinking. Everything seems bittersweet at the moment. I know its not in my nature to be maudlin and I have no doubt that I will shake this off soon. Please just bear with me. I am sleeping around the clock as well, I went back to bed this morning after having my bloods taken and slept until 1pm. There is part of me that just wants to shut myself away but then I know how much I would be missing out on. And thats the bit of me that is strong and keeps me going. There is so much for us out there. Open your eyes and see what is good in your life.. dont dwell on the bad.

Day 40

Feeling a little blue today although I am smiling on the outside. I rely and depend on my friends so much so when I turn around and they are not there because they are struggling with their own lives, I feel lost. I suppose because I cope with what I am going through so well, I forget that my friends may not be coping with their own problems as well as I maybe would. This is so hard and I know I cannot do this on my own. That scares me so much. I went to the doctors today and he has prescribed me some stronger pain killers so that when I get zapped on Friday at least I don't have to put up with the pain and I will be able to sleep. I feel so alone. My line manager came over to see me today for a welfare visit which was lovely, I have so much support from work. I know I am not alone really, there are still some of you rooting for me and letting me know I am ok. It just hurts so much when a friend cannot tell me why they cannot talk to me. I am not alright but I will be ok, the thing about friends is that it's a two way street.. just because I am living with this disease, it does not stop me caring about how others feel or being there for them. Deep breaths, hold my head high and try to keep smiling but sometimes its bloody hard.

Day 39

I went into town on Friday for the first time wearing just my hat, no hair.. and nobody looked at me as if I had two heads. It was fantastic and totally liberating. I nipped to Tesco to get fuel first, little steps, then went right into town. So I have cracked it as far as I am concerned. I could understand people who care not minding and I now know that others don't care either - the only person who had the problem was me. And now I don't! I had a fabulous weekend, very lazy and very comfortable with people who care about me. It was lovely. The only thing I am concerned about is that I have a few blotches on me at the moment, another side effect of the chemo sadly. I am at the doctors tomorrow to get some more pain relief, I am having chemo again on Friday and I am not going to have the pain that I had to put up with last time in my legs and wrist. I am not going to put up with it anymore. And a quick message for Lynn - hunny you sound so much like me! Your email made me laugh so much! Keep it up love, we are kicking bottom together.