Day 33

For those of you who need your daily fix.. here I am! I am currently at home with the sniffles, not feeling too bad but I don't want to make the problem worse so I am having a day at home with my blankie and some chocolate. Bliss! I went to work yesterday without my spare hair on and nobody batted an eyelid. Everyone knows at work and I feel comfortable enough not to feel conscious about the fact. One of my colleagues said it did not matter if I had hair or not I still look gorgeous. That was lovely. I have decided this year for Halloween I am going to paint my head green so that I can look like Yoda from Star Wars! One thing I wanted to tell you which I find very odd and quite unsettling now is that since I had chemo last time, when I cry, my tears are really cold. I really don't like it. I have been on eBay and I am buying lots of baker style caps - one needs a lot of caps to match her wardrobe! I am going to keep my spare hair for special occasions. Those of you who love me accept me for what I look like and I am becoming more comfortable with it too. My biggest challenge will be the first time I do the shops. People are bound to stare but hey! I am gorgeous! And it's not as if I am the only person in the world to have this. More's the pity.

Day 29

I dedicate todays entry to my dearest friend and addicted reader Bryher..you will never know how much support you have given to me over the last year or so, being able to hold your little finger in my mind when I have my chemo, just knowing I have a friend out there who really knows what I am going through because you have gone through it too.. you are my angel and if nothing else comes out of this dreadful experience..I have found you. For goodness sake next time can we both work in the same shop or something!!!!

Thanks to Bryher and the fact that I actually slept last night (bar the eating Weetabix at 3am as I woke up hungry) I have had a fabulous day. I am tired at the moment but its a healthy tired, I have not had any cramps at all today, a little pain in my liver area but I am feeling 100% better compared to earlier in the week. My scalp is covered in little spots at the moment - its the toxins coming out, that is why my head has been so sore. I have some on my chest as well but not as bad. Every day, as I lie in my bed, I think to myself.. have I had a good day? I was chatting with another friend today, she has a perma-grin - always smiling. She was almost killed in a car accident. We have the same mentality. How many of us go from day to day in the same routine just moving through the day without actually thinking. So every night as I lie in bed I say.. have I had a good day. And you know what..pretty much every night I say yes. I have laughed. I have loved my son. I have achieved something - even if its making someone smile who needed to. I have good days.

Day 28

Had those cramps again last night, its cruel, the moment I get settled and comfortable my right ankle and foot goes into spasm. I woke up this morning feeling more lethargic. However, as the day has gone on, I have been surrounded by friends, I have laughed lots and I am so very much loved. I went to collect my son from his after school club this afternoon and as I sat in the car, I thought to myself, right now, I feel about as beautiful as I can. I don't mean physically!! Inside. And the sun broke free and warmed me. I cried. I so hope that I am not going through this for nothing. I hope there is something for me the other side. But in saying that.. I think this is more about the journey than the destination. I still feel incredibly blessed. Its true, you never see more beauty than when you are suffering and you never feel more alive than when you are close to death. The leaves are changing, these warm autumn days are my favourite time of year and I am happy.

Day 27

Oh what evilness can by my body do to me now!! I went to bed last night feeling fine, not needing any pain killers.. got all comfortable and then it hit me - excruciating cramps in my feet and legs, was literally writhing around on the bed in pain. That really felt like a slap in the psyche, insult to injury. I woke up at ten to seven though and the pain had abated again. I feel more 'with it' today, able to hold a conversation. The only other thing that is getting to me at the moment is my hair or rather lack of it or I wish it would now just fall out altogether. My scalp is itchy and sore, the toxins are coming out through my scalp, my 'fluff' is falling out in buckets. It won't be long before I am as bald as a coot and then I will be able to rub my head and go aaaah!! I told my boss today that everyone will just have to put up with me looking poorlier, I cannot possibly wear spare hair at the moment it will be too painful. So flatcaps and a smile for now me thinks!

Day 26

Feeling a damn sight better today than I was yesterday, the pain in my legs (which I will tell you now was hitting 7-8) has abated down to a low 2-3, I feel like a baby giraffe a bit, like I have run a marathon, wobbly and a sense of relief in the bones. I slept much better last night, I took some fairly good pain killers and then just got as comfortable as I could. But I slept pretty much all the way through. It's incredible what pain does to your mentality. This time yesterday I was feeling very 'oh woe is me', today I feel more 'yeah come on then is that as good as you can give me?!'. Pain is a terrible thing. But sleep is a great healer. My mouth feels dry and yucky at the moment so I am drinking more which is a good thing, I have noticed that it's my organs that are protesting a bit more today - maybe they have been but the pain from my legs has been too much, my liver and my lungs feeling it a bit just now. But overall.. I feel calm, round two done, let me just brush myself off, lets start climbing that mountain.

Day 25

I have been awake for an hour now- just waiting for the medication to kick in. My ankles and wrists are killing me and I am feeling sick, so just taken some anti-sickness tablets. In fact, lots of my bones are aching, my right leg from ankle to hip, even the joints of my big toes. It has hit my legs. It is a known side effect of the Docetaxol and I was warned but right now all I can think about is this is going to get worse, I have only had 2 lots and I am already dreading the next round. I know I felt like this last time, I know I dreaded having to have the chemo but at least last time I wasn't in pain. I crept downstairs to get some money - I am on tooth fairy duty tonight for my son - and it was all I could do to get back upstairs. I am ok, not upset, just very matter of fact about this all. I can understand why people refuse to have the treatment - if I wasn't so bloody minded, determined and positive with the thought of coming out the other side...

It's now the morning - I am still in a lot of pain, mostly from my right ankle and left wrist but my mouth is hurting too. I have just emailed my dearest friend, Bryher, and I need to tell you too. I am glad that I am suffering because as you know, last time I had chemo I walked through it, it was almost as if I just had a bad cold. This time I am really experiencing what chemo is like. Last time I didn't get rid of all the cancer. You get my drift..?

Day 24

Feeling pretty pathetic at the moment.. everything seems a huge struggle. I slept better last night - I was right, it was the steroids that were keeping me awake, by taking them at lunchtime yesterday, I managed to sleep all the way through last night for 8 hours - but had to go back to bed this morning and then again this afternoon. I am ok, just feeling a bit sorry for myself. I know I am not doing this on my own constant reader and friend but I am sitting at the bottom of a huge mountain and the other side seems so far away. I know I felt like this last time - I am only feeling like this because I am feeling so totally wasted. Once I get sessions 3 & 4 under my belt I know I am on the home straight. Even thinking requires a massive amount of effort and right now I just want to close the door and get on with it. My little man is being an absolute star - I couldn't wish for a better child, he is being a real trooper and I told him as much today - I am so proud of him. Ignore the mood I am in friend.. I have no doubt it is only temporary.